New fear creeps up to haunt me. Fanfiction past.

36(m) here. I’m in a bit of a panic right now. I remember reading a fanfic like 8-9 years ago about two anime characters from my childhood. It was smut and featured a character who is a male kid, like 11 in canon, and an 18yo gal. I didn’t even really care for the story, but I put myself in place of the kid, almost like an age play fantasy or something. I didn’t masturbate to the story or anything, but I feel abjectly terrible that I did this. I remember just being bored, or something. I can remember one other incident years before the one I describe above featuring the same characters. I don’t remember what I was thinking, but now I feel ashamed and like I don’t ever deserve happiness again. How can I overcome the guilt and shame of these memories, these fleeting events in the past? Please, someone help me.

SadKnight wrote:36(m) here. I’m in a bit of a panic right now. I remember reading a fanfic like 8-9 years ago about two anime characters from my childhood. It was smut and featured a character who is a male kid, like 11 in canon, and an 18yo gal. I didn’t even really care for the story, but I put myself in place of the kid, almost like an age play fantasy or something. I didn’t masturbate to the story or anything, but I feel abjectly terrible that I did this. I remember just being bored, or something. I can remember one other incident years before the one I describe above featuring the same characters. I don’t remember what I was thinking, but now I feel ashamed and like I don’t ever deserve happiness again. How can I overcome the guilt and shame of these memories, these fleeting events in the past? Please, someone help me.

Hey, man. I'm sorry that you feel this way towards yourself. I also read up on problematic fanfictions and indulging in very problematic pairings but I remind myself that fiction doesn't equal reality. I've been squicked by the fictional taboo and learned to accept that I am ok with it. That I do not enjoy those things in real life.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this but please don't be hard on yourself for reading that fanfiction and you're not a bad person. You DO deserve happiness and it's ok to feel the way you do but not to the point that it becomes debilitating. You must think "You know what? Yeah, I read it. The past is in the past".

Cheers!

coolbreeze wrote:

SadKnight wrote:36(m) here. I’m in a bit of a panic right now. I remember reading a fanfic like 8-9 years ago about two anime characters from my childhood. It was smut and featured a character who is a male kid, like 11 in canon, and an 18yo gal. I didn’t even really care for the story, but I put myself in place of the kid, almost like an age play fantasy or something. I didn’t masturbate to the story or anything, but I feel abjectly terrible that I did this. I remember just being bored, or something. I can remember one other incident years before the one I describe above featuring the same characters. I don’t remember what I was thinking, but now I feel ashamed and like I don’t ever deserve happiness again. How can I overcome the guilt and shame of these memories, these fleeting events in the past? Please, someone help me.

Hey, man. I'm sorry that you feel this way towards yourself. I also read up on problematic fanfictions and indulging in very problematic pairings but I remind myself that fiction doesn't equal reality. I've been squicked by the fictional taboo and learned to accept that I am ok with it. That I do not enjoy those things in real life.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this but please don't be hard on yourself for reading that fanfiction and you're not a bad person. You DO deserve happiness and it's ok to feel the way you do but not to the point that it becomes debilitating. You must think "You know what? Yeah, I read it. The past is in the past".

Cheers!

I know. It just is so against my core values. At the time it felt like such a total non-event. I dunno, it probably still is. I think I might also be blowing it WAY out of proportion. I need to live in the now, but the parts of my past I am not proud of are so, I dunno, loud I guess. Why can’t happiness be so persistent, ya know?