I have POCD AND I've done bad things

I've had POCD and other forms of OCD


I began to have intrusive thoughts of masturbating in the same room as my younger brother who was asleep when he was 6—8. We were in seperate beds. I would have not made any noise. I often looked after my younger brother and put him to bed. I only have memories of that one instance and nothing else and it's what kick started my POCD. I have no idea on whether this event actually occurred or not, and whether it's actually a false memory. At the time I was scared of being arrested and charged for it and still am to this day as well as feeling immense guilt.

I was in the midst of an eating disorder where I was obsessed with trying to gain weight and the stress would make me vomit after every meal. I was struggling to keep anything down.

*mod edit*

I was in an incel discord server (I am a femcel—an unattractive woman who's never had any kind of relationship experience). It was a bad place filled with lots of bad people and I wasn’t myself in that environment. I have BPD and it's as if I was possessed or manic in that environment. I was sending nude pictures of my breasts to lots of people because I wanted validation and attention. I would ask people if they wanted to see my boobs and if they said yes I'd send them a picture. Every time I got a good response it felt like a high. Everyone I sent pictures to was 18 and up but there was one guy who I asked if he wanted to see my breasts and I didn't know what age he was. He said yes but I never sent the picture as I just didn't want to. Afterwards I discovered he was 17. My POCD often warps this memory telling me he was younger and/or that I had sent the picture.

I was on TikTok and people were talking about some videos that had gone viral of some influencers and from the description it sounded weird, hence why it had gone viral. A LOT of people were talking about it. I can't remember if I knew if it was of a sexual nature or not, earnestly. What I didn't know was the age of the person in the videos. In the comments on one of the TikToks someone linked a Twitter account that had the videos. There were two. In the first it was clear the person was masturbating whilst clothed and once I realised what it was I didn't watch that one. I watched the second video in which the person did the strange behavior that made the video go viral in the first place. They were naked and basically filmed their butt including the hole and smacked it. I watched out of morbid curiosity to see what people were talking about as they were making fun of the person and calling them gay and felt instant regret which I know does not excuse my actions. I don't actually know how old the person was but they were a male and could have been anywhere from 14—16. I know some other adults also watched the video which again doesn’t excuse my actions. In my country viewing content of that nature of anyone under 18 is illegal. I neither downloaded nor shared the video.

The other bad thing is that also when on TikTok a video had gone viral again. This time there was very little description and again someone posted the account in the comments. On looking up the video within seconds I realised it was 2 teens having sex (could have been anywhere from 15—17) and immediately exited. I was very upset that the situation had happened again and I vowed to no longer look up videos unless I know what they're about. Again I neither downloaded nor shared the video.

Nothing of that nature has happened since. I did not seek out the videos based on the premise that the people in the video were underage, I simply wanted to know what people were talking about. I have been reading up on a website which contains the details of sex offenders who've been convicted of looking up indecent imagery as well as indecent actions with minors that contain details of their crimes and I simply can't fathom their actions. I don't feel like I'm like those people at all. If the police were to know of these particular situations it's unlikely I'd go to prison but I'd be cautioned and have to go on the sex offenders list for 2 years which would ruin everything. I have lots of neices and nephews and already don't see them regularly because of my POCD. If I get in trouble I won't be allowed to be around them which would make the POCD worse as it would affirm the belief that I'm dangerous and can't be around kids. Family members would also want to know why it is that I can't be around children and I'd essentially be blacklisted from the family. I doubt my family would ever trust me to be around their children after such a thing which I would be completely understanding of.

Anyone reading is probably wondering why I'm panicking now and not when the events occurred. I have a habit of repressing my emotions and at the time that these two things happened I was being intimidated and harassed by a neighbor (unrelated) and that took up most of my focus. I think the memory of both things have popped up into my head over the years, not in a reminiscing over the content way but in an acknowledgement that that's what I had seen and subsequent guilt. When that happened I tried to simply tell myself that it wasn't that bad for the above reasons i.e. the fact that other adults had watched the first one and the fact that I exited out of the other video once I knew what it was.

The way my OCD works (I have various themes as well as POCD) is that it will fixate on a subject from anywhere from hours to days to weeks then move on to another subject.

These two events are my current fixation especially as I feel they have the potential to ruin my life. I feel disgusting and that I have to reveal these things to every person I meet in life otherwise I feel like I would be deceiving them.

I've never been in a relationship and feel like I never will be because of these things. I've had few friends in life and currently have none and feel I can't have any more. I'm scared I will go to prison over the videos and the situation with my brother.

In general my POCD makes me feel out of touch with reality as I can never tell what's real or isn't and it warps the things I believe to be true. My POCD mainly centers around false memories. I feel like I'm an unreliable narrator and don't know what's going on in my own head. I can't remember the person I used to be before I had OCD although I know I was unhappy because life has always been stressful, and ever since I've had OCD my gauge on morality has been all over the place. I try to have a neutral view on most things because I have a condition that twists my mind and to be accepting of what it does to my brain feels to be accepting that I'm a bad person.

I believe in the psychodynamic theory of OCD; that it stems from inward subconscious beliefs that translates into conscious thoughts and behaviours and I feel that I've always felt disgusting and this core feeling of disgust has formed the basis of various forms of my OCD. My contamination OCD started with me washing my hands with bleach as a teen because I had discovered masturbation and felt dirty and felt like I was spreading my bodily fluids on people. I'm unattractive and have been bullied frequently throughout life. I'm tall for a woman, have small breasts and no curves. I've never felt feminine and up until very recently would never wear skirts or dresses or nail varnish because it would make me feel physically nauseous. When I wear these things I feel disgusting and perverse. I've been treated like I'm disgusting especially growing up by my peers because I deviate from beauty standards.

I also think I have ADHD or Autism. It doesn't explain or excuse my actions but I think it can make sense of the way I think and some of the odd things I do. I have severe executive dysfunction which I also had as a child but got better in my teens before getting bad again as an adult. I have so many issues going on it's hard to establish cause and effect.

I just feel terrible and like my life is over. I feel suicidal and like I'm a burden on my family and that they'd be better off without me. I'm just tired.

Hello, and welcome!

I've moved your post from the original destination, to OCD- I feel as if this is very much about the OCD, and think it fits better in this forum. From the outside looking in, I just don't see the reasons for remorse or guilt- except of course, OCD. That's reason enough for how you're feeling about this.

Honestly, I see little in what you wrote that would give me pause if it were me in the story- definitely don't think you a bad person! The masturbation episode with your brother in the room can be summed up in the word 'adolescent'. The 17 year old, well, you didn't send the photo. It's not as if you were intentionally trying to target someone under 18.

I'm honestly not trying to reassure you here- I stopped doing much in the way of reassurance long ago in this forum- reassurance is cotton candy- it tastes good but isn't nourishing. But I mean just saying that I don't think there's much to see here as far as any kind of proof you're terrible. Far from it.

I hadn't heard about the Psychodynamic theory of OCD. I'm not too keen on it as I read the description- that inner conflicts such as aggression or sexual conflicts vs social constraints cause OCD behaviour. Now, if you just are saying that you thought yourself disgusting and that caused your OCD, yeah I don't know. I'm more in the Biological camp. I practically emerged from the womb with anxiety issues, and after a mystery infection at a very young age, well, I've been slightly neurotic ever since. And there are some theories involving strep/strep-like infections and OCD behaviours. Also while I'm still OCD, I am on an SSRI for general anxiety and I've noticed I don't have quite the OCD spikes I used to, even though OCD wasn't even in the conversation with my GP.

By the way, if I'm reading it right about executive dysfunction, I can sympathise. But then I am pretty sure I'm ADD- I'll leave the 'hyperactive' out of it- that implies bouncing off the walls, and I was never that. And it was worse as a child- having to stay late after school to finish my tasks was a regular occurrence with me. Mind you, this was the start of the 1970s and pumping the kiddos full of Ritalin wasn't a thing yet, so undiagnosed, unmedicated, I dodged that fad.

I regret the quiet nature of most of the forums here these days- but in regards to your self-image the moderator in me would mention we do have a BDD forum if you want to post about that subject in there. One thing I'll say without getting too off-topic for OCD is that from teenagehood well into adulthood I had a very poor self-image and feeling of attractiveness. With age I partly at least got over it, although I'm sure I still have some very deep seated ideas that girls (I have a pee-pee) find me disgusting or unattractive- which is demonstrably not true, but it's hard to rid oneself of things that were either hammered into us (or we hammered into ourselves, I suspect usually a combination of both) in the adolescent years.

Worried36848 wrote:I just feel terrible and like my life is over. I feel suicidal and like I'm a burden on my family and that they'd be better off without me. I'm just tired.

Very OCD. In my opinion. Take what I write with a grain of salt. When my anxiety spikes, well, I get suicidal ideation free with my breakfast cereal. Most of the time it's just so much white noise to me. Those feelings are as common as dirt in the OCD forum, thinking we may as well kill ourselves is like an OCD superpower. I think it just comes from this desire to escape our brains and run away from everything, not a genuine suicidal tendency. If it was, half this forum would be dead. I can (and have) thought the same or similar things all day long and yet I'm still here. I think you know your family would be devastated, hurt- I honestly can't think of anything more hurtful and selfish- even hateful on a certain level- than suicide. I think that last bit- I'm just tired- says a lot about why those thoughts would come to you. I mean, with OCD we're all-or-nothing and we automatically seem to go to the extreme conclusion, the worst outcome, the most extreme remedy. In our minds, anyway.

Have you spoken with anyone about all this? Therapist? General practitioner?