Did I kill her and forget?

Hey Snaga,

I was gonna go as in "end it". I still feel like crap. Totally convinced I am a murderer but have somehow forgotten this murder I committed in broad daylight. Waiting for the cops to come and they haven't come and it's almost been a.month. I don't know what to do.

Sue

What to do, is make yourself not worry about this until they do show up. I mean, you went to hospital, and you weren't arrested then. I don't claim to be any sort of expert, but search my replies in harm OCD topics- well, other topics for that matter, because I mention my harm OCD in some of them.

Try searching the keyword 'harm'

snaga-u261876/posts/

I've had harm OCD intrusive thoughts on and off since.... I'm going to say since probably around 1975. I mean, when you're a child, and you get those intrusive thoughts, they're terrifying. I thought I was possessed. They came and went in waves. Now, that's plenty of time for me to have acted on one of them. But, I haven't. And finally it dawned on me that none of those thoughts can make me do anything I don't want to. I surely would have, by now, many times over, otherwise.

It doesn't matter what you have convinced yourself of, in the absence of proof from someone else- the cops- then it hasn't happened. Worry about it, when it happens. It's doable. If I can do it, anyone can. It just takes stubbornness. You have to out-stubborn the intrusive thoughts. Think of it like this. OCD is an imp, living in my brain, rent-free. It's a squatter. A little demon. It feeds on fear. The more fear I give it, the stronger it gets (and can make me have more and more fear). Well, the more I can deny it that fear, the weaker it gets, until it can't do nearly as much as it did before.

I don't mean that literally- I mean it could be that literally, but it doesn't have to be, it's just an illustration. You have to break that positive feedback loop that keeps amping up the anxiety. It took me perseverance and practice. And now I don't often get those intrusive harm thoughts that I'm going to do something, or did do something. And when I do, I know how to handle them- very carefully, not letting myself dwell too much on it, because the moment I do, I'm liable to then have to act on the compulsion part of OCD. If I don't mess with it, it goes away. It's hard to get started, but it's not really complicated, or magic, or anything special about me. It's just practice to disregard such thoughts, and make the conscious decision that I will not care about if I'm going to murder someone until I've actually done it. I will not care if I accidentally (or not) hurt someone until the police come and get me. Until then, all I have are my thoughts, and no tangible proof anything bad was ever, or will ever, be done. I've had a whole lifetime to have acted on them. Obviously, they can't make me do a damn thing I don't want to, and I don't want to do any of those things, so I think I won't worry about it. Don't put the cart before the horse. I defer my anxiety until later.

Oh Snaga,
You don't realise how much you help me.
But I should've read your answer before I did something stupid, I called the cops. Thankfully they realised I was mentally ill and I didn't get into any trouble. But a few hours passed and they rocked up at my door, 2 constables. They were doing a " welfare check " on me. I felt mmense relief but at the dame time.was embarrassed by it all. I know my psychologist won't be happy with me. Anyway, I can't always keep calling the police. This has been the second time.in a few years.
The thoughts are distressing but what is worse for.me is when I think I have done.something and forgotten. I don't trust my memory. I will need to trust my memory. I know you have had these thoughts for most of your life and you have come to the conclusion that you haven't done it by now.so you never will. They are just thoughts. I am going to take your advice on board. I was in a very dark place and went to the extreme of calling the cops. Yes, I still have these thoughts so it's ocd. That's the illness . It is $#%^.but thanks for your reply and I will take on.your advice. I feel heard. Thank you snaga
Sue xx

Notmythoughts wrote:what is worse for.me is when I think I have done.something and forgotten. I don't trust my memory. I will need to trust my memory.

Screw your memory. Don't even go there. You can't afford to worry about your memory.

I've.. I'm not going to go into detail, because OCD just loves new ideas to glom onto, and I'm not in the habit of giving OCD folks new things to get uptight over, but for a while I thought I might have reason to question if I were always in the driver's seat, so to speak, or if I could honestly account for all my time. Well, I stomped that idea down in a hurry. I could see continuing down that garden path was going to give my OCD something to jump all over like a pack of starving wolves. So again, it's like, screw this crap my memory's what it is and if I do something terrible well I'll find out about it sooner or later- until then? Oh well, I can't be bothered to care about something I have no idea if I've done, and as a logical extension of that line of reasoning, had no control over. I'll worry about it, when I'm shown the receipts. Show me the receipts. Without evidence I've done something, I haven't done it.

That's the attitude I have to take. Which isn't the same as not caring if I hurt or killed someone. Of course I care- I wouldn't be so OCD over it if I didn't! The idea is horrifying. But I have to cultivate this deliberate attitude, that I'm not going to worry about it until it's proved something happened. Which goes to the extreme of cultivating an I-don't-care attitude whether I even do something terrible. I can't care if I hurt or kill someone, because I can't afford to. Not without driving myself mad. I'll care only when it happens, not before, because I have no choice if I'm to function.

Otherwise I'd never get anywhere some days, because that pothole I hit might have been a pedestrian. An invisible one, on a totally empty road. But tell my brain that, yeah? And some days, it's really hard for me to not go back and check. It's even worse when I do pass a real, visible person walking or cycling- because then I feel I need to go back and check I didn't hit them, but then when I pass them again, it resets! What if I hit them THIS time! Or they might think I'm stalking them! OMG!!!! It would never end, if I gave into it. Eventually you have to be like, enough I ain't got time for this.

So I have to make myself not go back and check, because where's the proof? I mean, I've run over animals before by accident, you run over something, you know it. And that's not the same as a rut in the road. I have to make myself not act on that compulsion to check. Because I know that I know the difference between a pothole and even a little animal, much less a whole human being. If I hit something the size of a person, I'm going to damn well know it, my car is going to know it, the world is going to know it, and there's going to be no doubt. Until then, it's all in my head. And I have to remind myself of that, and I have to make myself not care about it because there's nothing to care about because there's nothing I can point at and say 'I did that', and if there's nothing I can point at, something in the observable universe, then it's all in my head. I've heard stories of motorists hitting people and not realising it was a person- but they knew they'd hit something!.... there's damage to the vehicle, you can point at it, it's a receipt!- eventually, they bloody well figured it out because well, the world darn well knew, and it's going to be on the news and everything else and then they're like, 'oh crap'. Because there was something they could point at, and put two and two together and realise it was them that done it. In other words, they had the receipts, they had multiple receipts.

Until I have the receipts, then I can not trust my mental illness to tell me I've done things and simply don't remember them, because that's precisely what my mental illness will do all day long if I allow it to. OCD is called 'the doubting disease' for a reason.

I agree Snaga. I am going to take on the approach that if I don't remember doing something.horrific, well that means I didn't do it. It's just my brian talking sheet. But how sneaky is ocd?!
So I woke up this morning with a new thought. So the cops was just a brief reassurance seeking moment. So now my brain is saying that I black out and kill people when I'm alone
So if I'm wiry kids or husband I'm nit doing anything but apparently when I'm grocery shopping.etc. I am.a serial killer. A serial killer that kills and has no.memory of it. God ocd is so relentless. So I am goo to use the strategies my psych told me. Proof for the thought and proof against the thought.so I have no evidence for the thought. I have evidence against it- I wouldn't murder anyone,I would remember, it would've been on the news- crazed middle aged woman killing people and then goes home to hlbea wife and mum ( like as if I have another entity). Cops would've caught me
Blah blah blah
So yes, now I'm supposedly a serial killer. Been killing people for years and unaware of this other " entity" oof me. So I am also going to take your advice Snaga. What do you think of this new tought? Ridiculous hey!

The idea of losing control and not being conscious of what you're doing is one that's hit me before. I would imagine it's pretty common with Harm themes.