Hypothetical scenario, help please NEW thought...

Hypothetical scenario, help please

Hi. I've been doing much better lately with these terrible thoughts! I can finally say it wasn't me hahah. But this is so unfair. why is it that when I'm already getting better another thought comes to me? I was there thinking about smth and everything sexual or romantic (which was a case where a man cheated on his wife and I saw some pic the mistress sent to the husband) thought I have ocd distort and turn it to people who are family members. So when I was thinking about that, a thought came and it was like, "if your brother was not your brother, would you be attracted to him," "would you like to have a romantic or sexual relationship?" I don't know why it happened to me. I was so scared that I started crying and I couldn't help but analyze it. I tried to be logical.
In the middle of the analysis I felt that I would like to have a relationship if we were not related, the ######6 I don't want this, I will never do this. But then I analyzed again and I didn't like it. Why???? I don't want this. I feel so depressed and guilty. I was analyzing to see if I could like it and one time I liked it but then I keep analyzing and I felt like I was going to like it. I don't want to like it. Before this I never had this #######5 thoughts. I never had incestuous thoughts. I see family as family and also friends who are like family.What can I do? I can't take it. If he wasn't my family, would I want to have a romantic or sexual relationship with him? And in checking and analyzing I felt like I might like him, but then I didn't, I felt disgust. Idk man. Help me please. How can I keep living like this, I'm so tired. I'd rather be killed in the worst way possible as long as none of these things happen and that I hate with all my being the suffering of any living being. But I'd rather that than all these #######5 thoughts.HOW CAN I LUVE W THIS

Im okay now. It so hard to dont engage with these thoughts bc they feel so real and i jave that need to be 100% certain

You don't want to be 100% certain.

You want to be 1000% certain. A million percent. A certainty beyond The Universe. We crave that absoluteness, but it's not there to be had. I can't decide if anxiety disorders are like a drug, or if it's the reassurance in the case of OCD that is so much like a drug. But either way I've wryly noted to myself that we behave a lot like we're addicted to something. I know that's not necessarily true but we sure can't let go of the thoughts even though we just torture ourselves with them.

Want that certainty, and I think that's why sexual OCD themes are so pernicious. Sexuality and desires are so fuzzy sometimes. Someone can be 99-44/100 percent they are not something (in this case, incestuous) and you're going to chew on that remaining tiniest of slivers, because that's just how we roll.

For me, I think the thing is to decide to not care too much about this. Which is a conscious decision that required effort and practice. I mean, if I had a sister and she was attractive, well, being related doesn't make that go away, you know? And people being what they are, there's going to be times it crosses my mind, or I have a dream, or something Freudian slips past the filters. But that doesn't mean anything, it doesn't have to mean anything, and if I had a serious paraphilia going on, well I'd know it, and if I have to think and think OCD style about it, then probably the answer is no, and then it means something only if I let it. So I have to try to not let it.

I've never really had POCD, but that's a good example because it's something I have to keep a firm hand on, lest I start to doubt myself every time I touch a child. I know it's there, it's tickling my OCD, it really wants me to go crazy with that line of thinking, but I just don't let myself go there. I can't. I have to stay a step ahead of it and remind myself it's all bullcrap.

Youre right!! Thank you so much snaga! Ill keep this in mind