by catnaps » Tue Oct 03, 2023 4:05 pm
The OCD mind can trick you into believing all sort of things that aren't true. This can be evident in looking back at something you used to be OCD about (if the subject of your OCD has ever changed). If you think back on it, you can usually see clearly that you were overly worried about something that was wildly unlikely or untrue. But then that's not always the case either, it reallly depends what your OCD is focused around.
Even if the above isn't the case for you, basically, who you truly are isn't a thought that pops into your head. There are literal books written on this subject. When it comes to OCD: You are not your thoughts. For example, even people without OCD will sometimes get bitter, resentful or hateful thoughts/feelings that pop into their head - but it's also not what they believe or who they are or want to be, so they dismiss the thought or feeling. People with OCD hold onto that thought/feeling and have a lot of fear and doubt that 'what if this thought is me / true about me?' They ruminate on it, which makes you scared of it being true and the thoughts come in more and more, and get harder and harder to dismiss. The doubt grows that maybe this terrible thing about yourself is true, and so a cycle of doubt and reassurance starts.
I feel like you probably already know that this thing you're worried about is not true. Though it's way harder to know that when you're tired or spiralling out in anxiety. In this circumstance it's literally a dream you're worried about. Which is just the brain randomly firing at night. I've had so many messed up and disturbing dreams that if I questioned if they said something about me I'd think I was a monster. In my experience and those of my friends, the first step to get out of this is to understand it. I'd urge you to read up more on OCD & Anxiety, and try to anticipate the traps your brain will fall into. In my experience it takes a lot of discipline and sitting through horrible anxiety without acting on it to re-train your brain out of bad habits and OCD patterns, but it's so worth it in the end.
Hope you're doing well.