Do I have POCD?

Hi, I just want to know if I have POCD or not. When I was taking Dexedrine in particular (but possibly Adderall instead at times) and in a terrible depression, I basically would use it to get high a lot of the time and feel euphoria, but I kept taking it because I felt it was the only way for me to control my ADHD symptoms and it would let me forget my troubles. But when I was taking it, it twisted my sexuality. In my early 20s, I would use the internet and check out pictures of teen girls from their social media – I never did this when I wasn’t using the drug. I used a website where people that are genuine pedophiles would also do this. At the time I thought it was harmless.

While masturbating, I would sometimes rotate the pictures so that I’d look at even young girls like around age 8 possibly, and think about them. But after I stopped using the drug and possibly when my depression also improved, I stopped doing that. I don’t do that anymore and think all of this is absolutely vile. Sometimes due to my life being so terrible and not being able to function, I felt the need to take the drug only to do work, but the sexuality wasn’t twisted anymore. I didn’t want to use the website or even think about girls like that. Also, when in the presence of children, even back then, I wouldn’t and currently don’t feel attracted at all – sometimes I have intrusive thoughts but not actual sexual attraction. I’m being treated for OCD and have classic symptoms for it like the need to repeatedly wash hands and be germ free, and to repeatedly check if the front door is locked at night or if the stove is off.

And all my psychiatrists act as if I have OCD even though I don’t believe I’ve ever been formally diagnosed. I think my sexuality was also twisted because back then, I had never even kissed a girl before when I was young or kissed a woman when I was a young man, let alone had sex with a woman. I think this screwed up my psychology and contributed to me doing this. I didn’t have much positivity in my life back then either – I couldn’t hold a job, didn’t have friends, and lived with my parents. I don’t use the drug anymore though, and have switched. I don’t need it anymore and have no plans to take it again.

However, at one point when I was a kid like age 12, I thought about exposing myself to a girl who was 9-10 that was in my bible study class that my parents would take me to at the local church. She would go to the back sometimes to do work for the teacher and I thought about doing it then, and would sometimes get up to, but I never did, and I think if I actually went up to her, I wouldn’t do it even if we were alone and in close proximity back then because it wouldn’t feel right – however at the time it felt like I did want to, I just don’t think I would back then or now, if I put myself there with her alone.

My opinion is that the hormones during that time confused me, and that the drug I was taking in adulthood brought that confusion back. I never did anything at all to anyone and know all this is evil, and I don’t have any intention of ever doing anything like that ever again, or worse. I know it’s terrible and I’m completely against it. Even when using porn, if the people look too young, or could possibly be too young, I don’t watch, even if they’re labeled as 18. And sometimes in real life, when with kids, I get intrusive thoughts about sexuality or their bodies but I don’t want that at all. Lately that’s been going away. If I had a switch, I would use it and turn all of this off for good.

All this said, I’ve never knowingly watched child porn videos or images. Even years ago when I was taking Dexedrine, that is a line I would never cross.

I’m genuinely sorry about all of this. It’s terrible and a complete stain on my character.

But what am I? Do I have POCD? Or is it something else?
And do you think I should tell anyone about any of this, ever? Like anyone I get close to – a close friend or a potential partner? I’d feel guilty if I didn’t tell them, otherwise.
How guilty should I feel about all this?

There is nothing in what you wrote that indicates you are a Pedophile. From what I have read in this forum - and I have read a LOT of POCD threads - POCD has a very direct and easily spotted set of expressions (symptoms).

Your post is a mixed bag, much of it involving sexuality. I'm sure that having an anxiety disorder doesn't help but there seem to be other things you need to work on as well. If you don't have a therapist, it might be time to get one. You should speak to the therapist first before you speak to people close to you. I say this because if you tell them in the same manner as your post, they might get confused. Once it's clear to you and you can express it clearly then you can discuss it with someone you trust and who you feel would understand and have compassion for you.

Otter wrote:There is nothing in what you wrote that indicates you are a Pedophile. From what I have read in this forum - and I have read a LOT of POCD threads - POCD has a very direct and easily spotted set of expressions (symptoms).

Your post is a mixed bag, much of it involving sexuality. I'm sure that having an anxiety disorder doesn't help but there seem to be other things you need to work on as well. If you don't have a therapist, it might be time to get one. You should speak to the therapist first before you speak to people close to you. I say this because if you tell them in the same manner as your post, they might get confused. Once it's clear to you and you can express it clearly then you can discuss it with someone you trust and who you feel would understand and have compassion for you.

So you think I have POCD? Also, I don't know what kind of therapist I can speak to because some have been judgmental to me in the past regarding other things that aren't even this huge. I've never even talked to one about this.

Maybe what it is, is that attraction can come on but it's not something I would ever do anything with. And I have no intention to ever let it come back again. This is what I feel is true.

To me you don't sound like a pedophile. It sounds like you were influenced by medication and have OCD. I think if you could forget all this then those thoughts wouldn't pop into your head at all.

EVERYONE has things they regret. So don't think you're some bad person in a world of good people. This is not even close to being beyond forgiveness and you should be kind to yourself.

It will be hard but I think you need to let this go and let yourself move on so you can live.

derekt83 wrote:So you think I have POCD?

"Having" POCD is not like having a cold. It is not a virus. It seems to me that you have high levels of anxiety, which can lead to POCD symptoms. But it can also express itself in many different ways, changing all the time.

I'm sorry that therapists have been judgemental in the past. You have a lot going on. Maybe look for a new therapist. My fear is that you will go on and on, chasing your tail. The hardest part of these kinds of disorders is getting ahead of the symptoms rather than being trapped inside them.

I have never met someone who can "think" their way out of severe anxiety. It always takes a healthy plan and then executing that plan and remaining faithful to it.