I have given up hope POCD Trigger Warning

Bare with me, I have a lot to unpack.

I read some disturbing fanfiction as a teen involving children. One time I had a sexual fantasy (maybe a dream) about me as a mother being forced to have sex with a child. My memory is a little fuzzy on that, I think I was sexually aroused by the idea of being forced to do something taboo, and I think I stopped the fantasy or dream. Regardless, I know a one-time fantasy I had as a teen means nothing.

As an adult, I reread the fanfiction that I read as a teen to determine the age of the characters. In most of the fanfiction, the age isn't stated. But now I feel guilt over re-reading the fanfiction. This site will obviously remove any real CSEM that is reported to it, but it allowed authors to embed clips from porn into underage fanfiction, as long as the clips are 18+. I clicked on a few underage fanfictions that had clips to make sure that they were 18+. Obviously I can't know for sure, but now I worry that I viewed CSEM.

More worrying to me is the bestiality thoughts I have had. I once considered enticing my dog to lick me inappropriately as a teen. It scares me that I actually thought about doing it. I also read some bestiality fanfiction, and looked at some bestiality hentai. A few days ago I again fantasized about having sex with a dog. I think I was just curious.

I do worry about "losing control" and looking up CSEM, but I know that is just an OCD intrusive thought. I got drunk a few days ago and I worry I looked up something then. I was not blackout drunk, I remember everything I did, and I even left myself a note saying that it didn't happen because I knew it was going to be a trigger for me. Still I worry. That's OCD for ya.

What I am more worried about is how other people would see me. I just started a new relationship with someone I actually like for the first time in my life. I don't want them to break up with me because they think I am a sexual pervert. I don't want to be a sexual pervert.

I always thought I was normal, but all the research I have been reading says that less than 2 percent of the population has ever had a sexual fantasy about children, and only around 7 percent with animals. Which means I am a pervert. I just can't imagine life alone, without a family, that's all I want out of life. But with my perversions I don't know if I deserve that.

I try to remind myself that I everything I looked at was fictional, but what if those images in the fanfictions weren't of age? What if I did look up something while I was drunk? And I know that those thoughts are OCD. I know that I have to live with the fact that they might be true. I just can't, because if they are true, then I don't know how to forgive myself.

I know I could just not tell the person I am dating. But I feel like this is something they HAVE to know about me. I think because I am worried that someday I might "lose control" and do something bad. And that I keep thinking of myself as a pervert who doesn't deserve them.

Welcome.

Have you ever been diagnosed with OCD or any other anxiety disorder? Are you much older than a teenager now (you don't have to state your age). I ask because you said certain fantasies and other things happened when you were a teen.

From what I read, there seem to be two distinctions that can be made.

One, you have some issues regarding sexual fantasy, and your overall self-image (sexually). I am not saying if these things are right or wrong but you are at odds with yourself about it - that is where the "issue" is.

Two, you have anxiety issues that might be caused by your concerns about your sexual fantasies, or you have stand-alone anxiety issues (such as neurological), and your concerns are being used as fuel to worsen your anxiety. This is how it works (in general) with those of us who suffer from OCD.

Do you see a therapist? A therapist will be able to untangle and isolate the two and also show you how/why they are tangled. There are a lot of questions that need to be answered to get a better understanding of what is going on.

Regarding discussing this with your partner - if you have not been dating them for a good deal of time it might be too difficult to ascertain if you can really trust them to be sensitive to your needs.

I have been diagnosed with OCD. Most of the stuff that happened when I was a teenager was about 6 years ago. I honestly forgot about it until about 5 months ago, and now I can't stop obsessing about it.

I have realized through obsessive rumination that all the fanfiction I read about bestiality included an element of being forced. Ie, the person involved in the situation is forced into the act of bestiality. For me, maybe I was just attracted to the humiliation aspect of being forced into something taboo?

None of this matters to me, because more than being worried about actually being a pedophile or actually being attracted to animals, I am worried about being alone. I am worried about my loved ones leaving me.

I feel the most guilt over making sure that the clips in the fanfiction were of age, because if they weren't, I could have been contributing to the abuse of minors.

I feel guilt over fantasizing about the dog, because she is innocent. Just thinking about victimizing an animal makes me feel sick, and I can't believe I allowed myself to fantasize about that. Same with the fantasy I had last week. I don't know why I allowed myself to think that.

I feel some guilt over the fanfiction I have read in the past, but only a little, because I know that the fanfiction did not actually harm anyone.

More than the guilt, I struggle with the idea of being rejected if people knew. I am scared my boyfriend would break up with me, that my family would reject me, that I would be jailed, in-prisoned, registered, and have to spend the rest of my life alone.

I have always assumed that I was normal, that my experiences with fanfiction was normal, and that the few "weird" fantasies I had were just the normal experimentation that everyone does. I would say most of the fantasies I have are very typical for women. However, after researching fantasies and reading online posts, I realize that I am not normal.

Being normal or "not normal" is not like a light switch. It is not one or the other. Also, what is normal or what is not, is subjective.

Plenty of teen or older people have taboo fantasies. If it is affecting your behavior in the real world or it is stopping you from living a quality life then it needs to be addressed.

Knowing you have been diagnosed with OCD a lot of what you said, and how it is processed is not unlike many others who have posted here. You are not alone in your concerns.

ShameGuiltGoober wrote:I honestly forgot about it until about 5 months ago, and now I can't stop obsessing about it.

This tells me, and probably every other person who suffers OCD, that your anxiety is using your past to make things worse for you.

Do you see a therapist? Do you see a psychiatrist? Are you taking meds?

Updating this for anyone in a similar boat.

One thing I learned in therapy is to have self-compassion.

I wish I didn't read such taboo stuff as a teenager, but part of being a teenager is to explore your sexuality in weird ways. Part of being a human is having weird thoughts, and trying to determine if those thoughts are part of who are or not. Its okay to have weird fantasies and decide that they aren't something that you actually enjoy. Its okay to have weird fantasies that you enjoy and don't want to engage in.

OCD likes to put things into black and white categories. It is possible to have "abnormal" sexual fantasies and not be a pervert. There is room for grey.

Also, people lie, a lot, even to themselves. You might not be as abnormal as you think.