POCD/Intrusive Thoughts /Compulsions/Pornography

This might be all over the place because *mod edit* but decided that because of how much it’s related to anxiety, distress, Pocd, hocd, it’s more fitting here, so gonna paste some bits. I’m not sure if the moderators will allow it here, but please understand this is not paraphilia related.

Please read further into this post, to understand the pocd aspect.

First, regarding porn. why does it feel so impossible to not give in, and feels easy/tempting to do again, even though we always have a choice in the present moment to do what’s right. How many times have I repeatedly made the same mistakes, and then posted it on here afterwards? How many times have I gone against my word, re-committed, felt motivated, clean, forgiven, and redeemed, only to give in over and over, binge, then repeat the cycle. After swearing pornography off for good, knowing how it’s been manipulating my own morals, thoughts, motivations, desires in an unhealthy, unwanted way

Btw, PMO means: Porn + Masturbation + Orgasm

Escalated to fetishes and content like bdsm, bbc, gangbangs, squirting, fisting, tiny teen, 18, petite, asian, cum, jav, etc. Only until after pmo’ing does the full on intensity/realization of anxiety, disgust, panic, guilt, shame, settle in. During the use I know it’s wrong, but when mixed with arousal it makes me feel like I’m kind of enjoying it, even though I’m not.

Currently I can’t look at anyone, I can’t look at myself in the mirror. I don’t recognize who I am right now. I can’t even think properly, and can’t even breathe properly. The constant anxiety, intrusive thoughts, questioning, overthinking and guilt feels overpowering. I’m so scared, I’m so shocked, I feel like dying. I feel so corrupted, tainted, and unworthy of love. Feels like I’ve ###$ my life up permanently over this pocd/intrusive thoughts/teen porn situation. It’s been feeling like a dark cloud following me that I can’t shake off, like I’ve scarred myself for life, even though I hope it was temporary, and hope I’ll forget it, not let it control me, and never do any of those type of things again, especially when those intrusive thoughts come up.

Porn has caused me to convincingly feel like I really am the absolutely WORST, EVIL, most ###$ up/unwanted things that I’m truly completely the opposite of, and would never do. I’m not a pedophile at ALL, and never in my life would I have thought I would ever feel the need to even say those words, but this whole #####& has caused me to feel like one, even though I do not want to be one ever. Look at the teen stuff I’ve talked about, the intrusive thoughts that come along with it, and how it’s showing up in real life. Also, I’m really not gay or bi yet look at all the bbc, ts, femboy, traps, noticing/focusing on dicks lately, perspective/sensation on how the girl’s possibly feeling, cum fetish stuff I’ve talked about. This is to far, how did I let myself get to this point. POCD and HOCD is at an all time #####&. Knowing all this, how tf could I have possibly given in again. It gets worse with every pmo session or reset. Porn makes ocd (pure-o) way worse. To the point of suicidal ideation, de-realization, numbness, and anxiety to the max

Especially POCD, due to what happens when I’ve viewed teen/petite genres where regardless even though the girl is attractive, sexy, seducing, alluring, beautiful, and an adult, I still instantly notice that some of them are TOO small to the point where they look underage and younger than teens, and I get intrusive thoughts.
The most ###$ up one was today, during one video (not saying her name here as it’ll trigger some people) I saw her, and compared to the size of the guy *mod edit* was like TF. Since she was very very petite, I think (don’t really remember) that I either thought or silently worded with my mouth non-chalantly and instantaneously like it meant nothing: “Oh wow she looks so small like a literal kid/young girl” then continued in full on arousal/pmo mode like it meant nothing. Resulted in taboo, shock arousal, etc.
The people who produce/advertise that type of content know wtf they’re doing. It’s not some healthy fantasy that they’re “legally” producing. They know her body is small like a child, and it’s a fact that predators and pedophiles are prevalent in that industry. Tell me why they portrayed that same girl with pigtails and a pouting face, and made it seem like she was a kid being scolded by an adult? why in some videos she’s playing with bubbles? Idk any adults that play with bubbles. And the ###$ up detail that bothered me was that, after the first pmo session yday, I knew something was up with that video when I said she kinda looked too young and too small. So, after obsessing about it, I went back for reassurance, clicked on the thumbnail and boom. there were a couple coloured kids toys on the couch next to her while she was getting ###$. Why? You tell me, what you think. The intrusive thoughts that came up were there because of all those factors tied. Now bear in mind, that girl is not a kid at all. She’s around my age now, and had to have been minimum 18 during that video, since it’s from one of those popular mainstream companies…

Edit: I wanted to “clarify her age” to feel relief in knowing I’m not a creep or predator (risky behaviour) so I just quickly searched it up, didnt see images, just read the date on google search where the links are, and it’s trippy because she has the EXACT same birthday as me, except is 1 year younger, 2001 instead of 2000…

In the pmo session(s) it seems I don’t care about it or reflect/analyze the process of thoughts that had arised until after busting, and then I get intrusive thoughts like: Did I enjoy that? Why did that type of thought arise while pmo’ing or even just looking at a girl in general? What does it mean? Was I aroused because she looked like a kid? Did I subconsciously fantasize that girl to fit the type of themes that the intrusive thoughts were saying? Does this have anything to do with intrusive thoughts at all? Am I in denial? Do I even have ocd? Am I a good, loving human being? Am I possessed by a demon? How did I get to this point? Is this even porn escalation? Will I ever be healed from this? Have I hit a point of no return?…. Thoughts like that. Irrational fears, but they feel real because of the ###$ ups and shituations I keep putting myself in. Which results in embeding and reinforcing them with each ###$ up/everytime urges are given into.

I can’t even remember what was real and what wasn’t. It’s clear that I’m addicted to porn rn, and I’ve “failed” multiple reboots one after the other. Enough is enough. How many times have I said enough is enough, that’s it, lol. I will get through this, I know this as god is my witness and it’s our divine right to experience freedom from #####& that can be avoided based off our decisions and actions. These type of things are in our hands, and we can make a difference. The end result/consequences of our own actions can either be perceived as positive or negative, you decide. I will not allow any slips, because I know what just one peek will do to me.


I knew I was gonna pmo 30 mins before I even was conscious of doing it. Then as I walked to the washroom I knew this feeling as I’ve done it like this many times, it’s a toxic cycle. I was aware I was gonna regret it, and that it wouldn’t be worth it. I remember after the 1st or 2nd session today, I looked up in the washroom and said so sadly why, why, just stop, please why am I pmo’ing again, i need to stop. But that wasn’t enough. A little while later I was right back in it again.

It’s like the decision was already made. Once the first search on google images of that girl was made (in the washroom, red flag) I was lostttt, full on lost, taken over, drooling, beating off to pixels on a screen of beautiful women, in sexual provocative contexts, super aroused, then I wanted to see explicit videos/images instead of just the clothed, ahegao faces, cleavage and bikini stuff.


Horrible decision that was, as I know that anytime I’m in that situation it always ends with full on pmo then regret, then binge, then finally reflecting on what I just did. Rinse-repeat. I’m ending the cycle for good, because I can’t handle this any longer. This pornography+Pure OCD specifically pocd/hocs $#%^ is like dark black hole evil energy rippling negativity and destruction like a butterfly effect towards every aspect of my being. I can’t ###$ myself up like this any longer, especially after today and the thoughts that came up, plus $#%^ I watched, plus acts I did. I was a spineless, pathetic, loser.


In less than 6 months I’ll be 24. I’ve been hooked on this $#%^ since 8 years old, and it’s only been getting worse, and worse, escalating/moving into even more dangerous territories I WOULD NEVER act upon, would never truly enjoy, or do in real life. That porn $#%^/mindset and ego-dystonic behaviours/intrusive thoughts are now showing up some ways in real life, and sometimes I think it’s made me think something along the lines like I feel like I’m “fine” with it or that I “enjoyed” it, but I swear I ######6 don’t. No joke. I’m writing this with certainty, from a place of being grounded and with pure conviction. I’m not writing out my intrusive thoughts. These journals and words help me express how I feel, whilst knowing that the intrusive thoughts/unwanted feelings are not innate and don’t define me or my desires.


Is this what addictions do? Warp you, manipulate you, and destroy you to the point where you’re feeling fragmented like a husk/shell. This $#%^ is crazy. An example I resonate with, is organically from an energetic pov, originally being like a pure angelic being , that’s having/had fallen-angelic satanic demonic experiences. Once slightly corrupted/fallen, one can always rehabilitate and redeem themselves, and heal for good. There is no point of no return, and it’s never too late.

There’s more In detail I wanna add on that emphasizes and clearly shows signs of Pure-Ocd, and describes a little more about these situations but I’ll save that for later in the comments probably.

Side notes:
Pure-O Subtypes and description of mental issues I’m experiencing (Self-Diagnosed btw): POCD, HOCD, Intrusive thoughts, Unwanted feelings/sensations, groinal responses, Distorted perceptions, False motivations and False desires

- Struggling to heal from porn addiction for good right now, in a toxic cycle that consists of binging, escalating, suicidal ideation, reassurance seeking online in forums, compulsions in my head, mentally saying and sometimes even whispering MULTIPLE times in a day: I’m not gay, I’m not bi, I’m not a pedophile. I’m a heterosexual man and happily always will be” “ I’m not gay”, “ I’m not bi” “I’m not a pedo” “###$ you intrusive thoughts” “###$ off” “Shut the ###$ up” …. Thoughts like that are just a few

UniqueJustLikeYou wrote:It’s clear that I’m addicted to porn

Yes, you are.

UniqueJustLikeYou wrote:Is this what addictions do? Warp you, manipulate you, and destroy you to the point where you’re feeling fragmented like a husk/shell.

Yes, very much so.


I'm not sure if you have any other issues besides porn addiction and anxiety so we will address these two things only (and there really isn't much to address in a post). Porn and anxiety go hand in hand perfectly. You will find MANY posts here with that combination. Porn relieves (momentarily) anxiety and then LOADS you up with more. And so it becomes a vicious cycle. The more you watch the more taboo things you need to be involved with to get off.

If you can find a therapist to handle the porn and anxiety issues that would be great.