Dreams/half awake, mastrbtn HELP PLEASE

I didnt want tl come again here but i feel so down.
I'm going to be a bit graphic and I'm sorry, but I want you to understand what has happened and give me an answer with the details in mind. I already want to know if what I feel is real and take away any hope I have.
I was sleeping, dreaming that I was m##turbating. I felt it was a somewhat long dream, it felt real. During the whole dream I was doing that. But then I feel like I was conscious, I woke up and I was squeezing my legs to climax, that was in real life. In the dream, I was squeezing my legs, I couldn't finish. But I kind of went back to sleep and kept dreaming, and I was squeezing my legs. Again, I just wanted to climax. In my dreams, when I do that, images always pop up that I don't want, it's me fighting in the dream against those intrusive thoughts and doing compulsions in the dream. And then, (I don't know if I was dreaming at all or I was half awake/asleep) I purposely thought about my main subject of intrusive thoughts, because I wanted to see if I felt something, and I feel a strong groinal, but i didnt do it for sexual purposes and thinking that image was very graphic... it was all fast, and I was all aroused (bc of the dream I was mastbt then that image) and kept squeezing my legs bc I wanted to climax and I did all that happend when i was half awake... idk man.I didn't think that would happen or did I? I mean that strong groinal. It was all confusing, I wasn't fully awake. I felt a little anxiety idk, in the dream, the thought didn't feel bad, I knew it shouldn't, but I thought. It was also like I didn't care I had that disgusting thought, I was half awake/sleep and just wanted to release that tension (climax). why? I don't know and I want to kill myself for it. Also ive noticed when my bladder is full that smtimss happens. Sorry for my English, not my first language.

You know the worst part, I don't even feel bad anymore, just sad. I have become so desensitized to the thoughts that I don't feel bad anymore, I just feel very sad and want to end it all. I don't want to live like this anymore. It's all so confusing, I know it's not me, but why does it keep happening? I'm so tired, and about the thoughts I've already learned not to do compulsions when they appear.

Yes, I'm still a little afraid of sleeping and dreaming about things like that, I pretend not to be afraid, I guess my mistake is to give a lot of importance to these things and analyze why they happen, I always keep doing a little bit of compulsions. It was going well, I overcame something, but now new theme. It's funny. I feel very bad. Still I'm sure it's not me, I've never been like that, all this $#%^ started with those damn thoughts, I wish I hadn't done those rituals, it's only gotten worse. Before it was sexual focus, now romantic, fear of having romantic or sexual attraction, it's my brother. Just yesterday I cried a lot, I feel sad because we went on a family trip and I feel so rejected, so bad about myself. I'm very shy, I don't socialize at all, I'm boring, I'm very quiet and that makes me feel bad. The horrible thoughts and the way I am have me very depressed. I'm really not happy, not at all. And having these horrible thoughts make it even harder.It's horrible because I never asked for this, I never wanted to be this, think this, feel this. It's just not fair. To anyone who suffers from these things. I'm so sorry, I know how it feels.

I also feel like this is real. My biggest fear is already real and I'm so tired it feels like I'm accepting it, but I know, I've never been so sure in my life, that this is not me, but I keep doubting and feeling like it's me. I am 50/50.

Please give me an answer if indeed my worst fear came true or what. If it's still ocd I'm going to keep fighting, but if it's not, well, idk. I feel so empty. I would like some advice, something... Please and thank you. I hope you are well.

Update: now I feel guilty and very sad

Hope you're doing better with this OCD issue as well.
You truly need to stop looking to see if there's arousal when these thoughts pop in. You could so easily manipulate yourself into believing something is true about yourself. With OCD doubt is such a powerful force that you can come to doubt very concrete things. With OCD it would be easy when looking for something in yourself to convince yourself it's true. This checking to see if you're having some kind of response to intrusive thoughts is a terrible habit that you need to break. You owe it to yourself to break out of this cycle. An intrusive thought is just that - intruding on your mind. And it will continue to intrude on your mind as long as you react to it and fear it. Breaking out of that cycle will help you greatly.
All the best!

Hello, catnaps! Thanks for your answer. I didn't know j was doing checking compulsions. Till now. It felt automatic and I didn't feel it was a compulsions. I was really worried, now I'm worried about a thought I had. Idk, this is terrible

You are not your thoughts or feelings that pop into your head (ESPECIALLY for someone with OCD). You are what you truly believe deep down and nothing else. An intrusive feeling is not who you are. If a thought or feeling concerns you that it's true, then that's a good sign that it's not. If it was true then would it really scare you so much? For example, if you were truly racist, would a racist feeling that popped into your head really concern you? With OCD you can expect the things you doubt and fear to pop into your head and intrude on your thoughts.

Have you looked into OCD / Anxiety disorders much?

I confess to having woken up masturbating to taboo sexual themes, and I refuse to allow it to make me anxious. Even if I half-consciously continue. And why? because it's just a dream. Not anything I'd do in the Real World, or wish to do. We have all sorts of little Freudian things in our heads and sometimes they peek out, but they're not the last word on who we are, and how we really behave. I'd be very easy for my OCD to get hold of things like that, if I let it. So I don't let it. I just leave it be and pretty soon I've forgotten about the whole thing.

Catnaps and Snaga! Thank you so much for your answers! I really appreciate it. Hope you both have a good day/night. Tysm!

You're most welcome! Hope you're doing alright.