reality makes no sense anymore

i just want the truth, but the longer i live with this kind of brain i realize the truth is always changing. reality changes sometimes every hour or minute. i don't know if there's one "real" truth or "true" reality. i just hope it's the good one. i want it to stay good. when the good one is real I'm so happy, or at least I'm content, and feeling that way compared to now is like total ecstasy. right now it feels like it will never be good again. that maybe the bad truth is real now and it will stay bad forever and never let the good be true again. when i look into my mind over and over i see that it doesn't have to be this way, but being alive with this kind of brain makes it feel impossible to manifest good for any time at all. it feels like this brain will always make the bad real to me, no matter how long I keep it good. i just want it to stay good. or even just okay. i could still feel content in a neutral world but this one is a nightmare. im beyond believing in ways out they never last. it gets to me eventually and takes over my world and every bit of happiness inside me is destroyed. i wish it would last

There are a lot of things that don't make sense.

In what way does reality change for you, make no sense for you? Is this related to your thread about gender OCD? Or something else?

I'm surprised you remembered that, but I remembered you snaga, so I guess there's stranger things. no, I don't experience gender OCD anymore, haven't for years. and that's a really good thing, isn't it? all the stuff it made me worry about never came to pass. but it's different now. no longer about silly things like that. I've become attuned to some facts about the nature of things, or how my nature affects the facts. my thoughts truly have the ability to change things. they actually do. or maybe I can just sense it when they change. but I know it when they have. there's a correlation between the innards of my mind and real events.

I'm not about to debate if the chicken or the egg came first, because you don't really think about things like that when they start pecking out your eyes. it's always horrible things. really bad things. very bad truths. i try to get things to switch back, but I'm not always sure how. there's some things that are beyond me. some end up okay, because I figured out how to fix it. controlling my mind seems to be the trick. but sometimes things just break, and I can't figure out how to solve it. i don't want to make the bad things happen, so i have to try really hard to fix it. because sometimes I fail and I can feel when I've failed. and when I feel things they are the truth.

the not making sense comes in when it gives me conflicting signals. it's like your eyes not agreeing with your ears. as if you're seeing yourself sitting calmly but every other sense is telling you you're plummeting in a freefall. which am i supposed to trust? it gets so confusing. so I've gone to assuming any sign means I should prepare for the worst. i know what I can do, so I need to be really careful. people's comfort feels so useless when they don't understand that (but I still crave it), they don't understand what I can sense that they can't. the confusion over it all is unbearable. have I fixed it? will I fix it? is there even any hope? i don't know. it's an impossible problem

Can you give an example? If you're willing to, that is.

yes, i think so, i was a little nervous about saying at first. and I still am, but i feel very safe here, so I'll try to give the best example I am.

i don't think or have false feelings about events. everything that is there is in reality. i just know it is. and i think it's because i thought it so I brought it so. like for instance if i think well of a friend that is good, they are good they are safe and they will continue to be. but if I have thoughts of harming them or other bad ones they are in danger, are in the process of being harmed or will be because of me. and switching back and forth so rapidly is so confusing to me. terrifying.

when I have all these feelings and thoughts that conflict, neither can be false, so they have to be true but then that doesn't make sense how can they both be? how is it possible? are they safe or is it dangerous? is it bad or good? can't be both. and i don't know how to stay out the the bad. I can't tell if it's taking over and that will be the truth or if it will never ever happen. but i have to control my brain, I can't just not try and then I cause it, even if i can't stop it. and that's getting so common lately the failures just pile up. the guilt is getting me. it's getting me hard. i need to make things right in my mind but I'm getting worse at it

Okay I think I understand. You are saying you're convinced your thoughts are affecting reality about you.

Tell me about your earlier posts in this forum- the OCD. Did you ever see anyone for that? Is there a formal diagnosis of OCD? Also do you mind if I ask how old you are?