POCD turned in real pedophilia?

I am M17 and I think I have been suffering from POCD since the beginning of July (not diagnosed, the symptoms described my condition very well). There was a trigger for this that I was aware of. At first it was like many people have, compulsions, unwanted thoughts and anxiety. Before it all started, everything was normal and I was interested in women of the same age or older and had no pedophilic fantasies or anything like that.

But now it feels so real, like I'm just in denial. This thought, however, scares me extremely. Even writing all this I am afraid that I am in denial. I avoid children for the most part because whenever I see them a shudder goes through my body and I am afraid. Even hearing them or childhood memories trigger fear and sometimes a slight tightening in my body. If I don't avoid them I'm afraid that I'm a pedo and I want to get close to them.
I also have intrusive thoughts but they scare me and i dont want them. But sometimes they arouse me and i have the urge to masturbate, I know the symptom of groinal response. But to me it feels so real. I also sometimes have the feeling that something is stirring there without me really fixating on it when these thoughts come. Can it still be a groinal response?

I often have an extreme fear of masturbating because these intrusive thoughts come especially often. I'm afraid that I'll give in and want to masturbate to them and that I'll be a pedo or that I'll really enjoy it because it feels like that sometimes. Most of the time these thoughts are about a child that I know. But I don't want to have these thoughts and sometimes I get very sick out of fear and I cry. Also I often can't sleep because of these thoughts.

Sometimes I ask myself when I have these intrusive thoughts that I would actually like to masturbate to it. I never do it but I think it would make me "want" to. I don't know how long I can go without doing it. The thought that I could do it and be so close to it scares me. It's like I'm a pedo with OCD. Is that still POCD?

I never had these thoughts and desire before all this started. It's like I discovered that I enjoy it and that I am a pedo.
But sometimes I catch myself thinking: "even if you are one, it's not a big deal" or "just accept it, it's not a big deal". Then I quickly realise what I'm actually thinking and worry about why I thought that. Can this still be POCD?

When I'm well or have a brief moment of clarity, I often think to myself that I'm not and I know that. But then the fears about the intrusive thoughts come back and the questions about whether I like them or not.

I just want to live like I did before, I had ideas of how I would have a family with a wife of the same age and possibly children. But these ideas have been totally destroyed by this fear.

The fear soon eats me up and I sometimes wish I wasn't there.

Is this still POCD? If so, can I do something about it?

Sorry for language mistakes, my mother tongue is not English.

I'm not going to offer reassurances, because that is like a drug (as I have been experiencing over the past couple of weeks). No matter how many people tell you that you are not a pedophile, you still will have that doubt in your mind.

The truth is, that you will never be 100% sure, because there is no "proof". We are talking about something that only exists in your mind, how do you prove if it exists or not?

The only thing you can say is "Maybe I am a pedophile, maybe I am not."

^^This sucks. You will feel anxious, and icky, and have compulsions to reassure yourself, to check if are attracted, to review who you have been attracted to. Don't do them. If you find yourself doing them, say to yourself "I might be a pedofile."

Think of OCD like quicksand. The more you struggle, the deeper you will sink. If you lay back and float, you will eventually be able to get out of the hole.

The thoughts will always be there, but their importance will fade, and you will eventually be able to focus on other things.

Not going to lie, this is going to be hard. People with other types of OCD will sometimes wash their hands until they bleed. We are doing the same thing, only internally. All we can do is have faith that it will get better. Live with the uncertainty.

For more information you can check out my previous post.

I am M 17

Meanwhile, I sometimes feel no fear and disgust at all at the intrusive thoughts. This worries me. I sometimes don't feel anything anymore, such a numbness. I am not as attracted to my peers or older women as I used to be. I feel like i turned into a pedo. Is thid still POCD?

I See a lot of people saying that if you are a p then you know it. It feels like I know it and just have fear. I read also that some P's also have fear and so on. It feels like I am one. I have fear and panik right now. Please help me. It is so bad right now. Sometimes I know also i am not a pedo. It feels like i've got a pedo through POCD.



When I have anxiety, which is still relatively often, I am very afraid of masturbating to these intrusive thoughts. I'm also scared that I might fall in love with a child and scared like a pedo that I'll be alone forever. It feels so real sometimes that I am convinced I am one. Is this also POCD?

When I masturbate I sometimes don't know what I masturbated to afterwards and I'm afraid it might have been children. My brain sometimes convinces me that I did it, even though I know I didn't do it.
I just want to be normal again.
What can I do about this?

Thank you