I'm afraid that I might be a pedophile.

Hello. I am perfectly aware that what I'm doing right now is probably just seeking reassurance; however, I'm unable to afford a good therapist (and the ones I have been able to afford are very subpar), so this is the only option I have left. I also sincerely and profusely apologize if this post becomes too convoluted or incomprehensible.

For a bit of backstory, I'm a porn addict. I suppose that I'm using porn to cope with underlying (and undiagnosed) mental issues, since I don't have any friends IRL and the circumstances of my upbringing... weren't exactly the best, to put it mildly.

I have frequently masturbated to fanart/softcore porn of underage fictional characters and continue to do so. I'm not even sure why I'm attracted to them - maybe it's their designs, maybe it's their personalities, or maybe it's precisely the fact that they are fictional, idk. Right now, I don't know anything about myself. I have also fantasized about said fictional characters participating in sexual situations and masturbated to a number of fan fics depicting the characters in sexual situations.

Recently, I started seeing a lot of posts on social media claiming that everyone who does the things I do are sick pedophile freaks, and that made me very anxious about myself. It's like these thoughts constantly gnawing at me - "What if you're a pedophile and you're just denying it or trying to resist your urges? A lot of pedophiles don't want to be pedophiles, feel guilty about their urges and use the stuff you are watching as an outlet for them, so that means that you're a pedophile." These thoughts are accompanied by vivid mental images of naked IRL children and graphic sex with them, which are... quite uncomfortable. Sometimes these mental images feature the fictional characters I masturbated to. I think It's important to note that I have only began thinking all that stuff after I saw the numerous social media posts; I didn't think much of my preferences in porn before because I was sure they don't reflect myself. That confidence... kind of dissipated after I saw the posts, I guess.

I think it's also important to note a specific incident that happened to me several weeks ago. I had to wait for a bus at a bus stop, so I sat down near a mother and her little kids. When I looked at them, I felt my penis slightly jerk upward. That also was quite the uncomfortable experience. People call it a "groinal response" and note that this is quite common for people with obsessive-compulsive disorder, but idk.

I spent the last several days obsessively reading about pedophilia in an effort to convince myself that I'm not a pedophile. I've actually encountered people with the exact same problems. Some people said that it's okay because it's all fiction anyways and some people claimed that the asker is a pedophile and should be put to death. Naturally, this has only exacerbated my concerns.

I don't remember ever feeling sexual attraction to IRL children before, and that also fuels my anxiety - what if I did experience sexual attraction to them in the past, and I just don't remember it? What if I will start experiencing sexual attraction to them at some point in the future? What if the thing I'm going through now is just me trying to deny my pedophilia?

Another thing worthy of note is the fact that I have already went to a private psych doc for intrusive thoughts about killing a family relative of mine and an obsessive fear of having schizophrenia. As such, I suspect that this may just be my OCD-addled mind picking something horrifying to torture me with, but I'm unsure.

Right now, I'm feeling... weirdly accepting of my situation. Even of the vivid mental images. It's like "Yeah, I'm a pedo. So what?" Again, I'm not sure whether it's my mind slowly learning to work around the intrusive thoughts to calm me down or me accepting that I'm an actual pedophile and that also makes me anxious.

One last thing worthy of note is that I've just turned 18 this July. This gives me reason to assume that whatever the hell I'm going through right now is just me still being overly hormonal. Once again, I'm not sure about anything right now.

Does anyone have any advice? Thank you to anyone who takes their time to read this.

Hey! I have had a similar experience when I was about your age. First up, fanfic and fanart mean nothing about your real world preferences. However, I would recommend staying away from them (or any of the sexually explicit stuff), especially if you have OCD.

I have also been obsessively googling....we both need to stop doing that. It's not going to give you a concrete answer, because what you did is not black and white. Some people will say its fine, some people will say it's a crime. People are judgmental, especially when it comes to anything related to pedophilia. I personally wish I never consumed that kind of content, but now I know better, and maybe I can use my experiences to help others.

 It's like "Yeah, I'm a pedo. So what?" 

^^This is good! I'm proud of you, this is EXACTLY what you need to be doing with those thoughts.

I wish I had more advice, but I'm in the same boat and haven't been able to get past it yet. People have done much worse and have found a way to live a meaningful life. Hoping the best for you, you are not alone.

This is very much OCD.

All the 'what if' doubts and fears, the obsessive googling and ruminating... all of these are the most OCD thing ever. I'm confident that if the fears/memories of all this were erased from your mind that you would go on living and never harm a child a day in your life.

I get the concern and the questioning about yourself, but intrusive thoughts are not you. They never will be you. If anything they are just a manifestation of what you're most scared of - so in essence, you are the opposite of what you fear. It's obvious you don't want to harm a child.
It seems to me like you just fell into a cartoon fetish while you had raging hormones, and then your OCD doubts got hold of it and now are running with fears about yourself. I think you have to be careful when it comes to OCD, because you can really dig yourself a hole with it. If you're always looking for any evidence that you're attracted to kids then at some point you're going to find something that your OCD will dig at until you've convinced yourself that you're a monster.
It's really hard to do, but you have to let it go. I think you should also change what porn you watch though. With porn you can go down paths that take you to further and further extremes and to unhealthy places. At the risk of sounding preachy, you're going to have to learn to take better care of yourself. And that means making the right choices on a daily basis; choosing not to ruminate, choosing healthy porn, choosing to be kind to yourself, etc.