Try pretending you're someone else, and read your post.
Do
you think that person is a lesbian? Do they sound even remotely like one, other than some insignificant messing around and watching porn? Which is fantasy. Which people are allowed to have, you know. Fantasy, that is. And fantasy isn't always an indication of what you'd be willing or want to do in real life. I fantasize about things that I definitely would never want to do or have happen to me.
hocdgirl1313 wrote:It's either I'm straight, or I am a full-on lesbian.
I'm Bisexual, and I've never had HOCD but yes OCD is like that about sexuality. Every so often I go though the same histrionics with myself. Rarely, now- because I made the decision what I was, based on my behaviour and desires. But every so often I have to remember that I'm definitely not straight, but I'm not Gay, gay gay gay gay and more gay, either, because I'm most definitely not that, either. I may be screwed up, but I can look at myself and know what I'm not, and I'm not all one thing, or the other. But OCD tries to do that to a person. Even if I've never had 'HOCD'- never just was terrified of being gay. Despondent over the idea, but not scared oh no my life is over kind of thing. Because I know what gets my motor running and what doesn't. And it seems pretty clear what gets your motor running, so the idea causes you rather more distress, don't you think?
I really think most people are almost but not completely straight or gay. And mostly straight- that's the normal state, that's the majority of humans. And well, I think most people shrug off that little bit of them that might think about getting a little freaky, or it comes out only when intoxicated (as you have confessed). I sometimes watch videos by an anesthesiologist and he mentioned it's not only very common for someone hopped up on surgery drugs to express undying infatuation with their surgeon/nurses/anesthesiologist in the operating room, but not uncommon either for it to be aimed at someone of the same sex- because inhibitions go bye-bye when you're gassed up. And that's normal behaviour in those circumstances- embarrassing, but normal (assuming a person even remembers it afterwards).
But, OCD. So maybe you might be capable (but not longing) of messing around with a girl. Mountains out of molehills is what we do best. Your brain blows it way out of proportion and makes it into a monster that it just really isn't, looking at it from the outside.
To me, folks have to make the decision to not care if their OCD-fueled fear comes true. I have harm OCD. I have to not care if I hurt/kill someone. That is to say, I have to cop that attitude. I'll worry about it, when it happens. Not before. What hasn't happened, doesn't
exist. When I do something heinous, then I'll freak out. Then I'll worry. Not before. No compulsions, no doing things to make myself 'safe' from acting on an intrusive thought, nothing. Just forced trust in myself that my intrusive thoughts are just thoughts, and thoughts can't make me do or be something I don't wish to. Thoughts about being lesbian, do not make you one, and they can't make you one, and if you
were the lesbian your brain is screaming at you, you definitely wouldn't get so wet for your b/f, now would you?
Well, no.
I think the thing to do is try to look back on those past experiences, and think (as if you were not you, but someone else looking into your mind) on things like lesbian porn and stuff, and make a deliberate decision what you is. 'Well I might do this or that with a girl but I really like guys'- as an example. And make that your story, and stick to it when OCD screams at you 'Lesbian Lesbian Lesbian!' Well, no- because b/f and wet. And if that decision you make is that maybe you're a little flexible, then you might also find yourself reminding yourself 'well, not quite straight, either'. And you'll feel a lot better about yourself, because you nailed yourself down to something that when OCD tries to give you fits, you can point to and say 'nope, I'm THIS, don't try to BS me'. At least, that's how I do myself. Again, never had what I'd call HOCD but that doesn't mean OCD won't make me angsty about sexuality if I let it do so- been that way plenty of times and I finally just had to mentally write it down on paper what I am, and doesn't matter if I like it or not that's how it is, that's what the evidence points to, and OCD can go to Hell when it screams at me I'm gay- or when it tells me I'm straight but have put myself through histrionics for nothing. I tell you- being for real somewhere in the middle is not fun when you have OCD, because as you've noticed, your brain wants to make everything binary. Got to be 1000% this or that, and while most folks seem to be 99-44/100% straight, that .0066 not-straight is going to give someone with OCD who has the misfortune to just once think 'omg maybe I'm not straight' absolute fits. You so don't seem much like a lesbian to me but that little bit of 'I kissed a girl and I liked it' in you is going to get so blown out of proportion thanks to OCD. Which is the cue for you to beat OCD over the head with your boyfriend and your physical response to the thought of him.
Don't you think?
hocdgirl1313 wrote: Do you think women have a higher tendency to be bicurious?
I think that women are slightly more flexible. I've read about some research that seems to bear that out, but even then it seems that to actually switch teams required real and sincere motivation to make the switch from just being a little bicurious, to full on Lesbian. You just don't wake up one day and be like 'oh I'm a Lesbian now'- you'd have to have a compelling reason to do so. Guys aren't wired that way, according to the same research I've heard about- we're much more nailed down. I'm about 50/50 and like it or not, I'm pretty much stuck that way, yay me. But again, even with girls, to turn Lesbian seems to require motivation and the desire to switch. You think you got that? I have my doubts, you like dudes too much. I also think in the context of 99-44/100% straight women, being a tiny bit Bi doesn't carry the social stigma it would if you were a guy. I mean, not to be unnecessarily crude, but I can tell you as a guy, I don't mind seeing two cute girls kiss each other. I mean, back in the day (I'm pretty old) if I'd caught a girlfriend/wife messing around with another girl, it's be a tossup between 'you cheated on me, dammit!' and, '
you didn't let me watch, Goddammit!'. That's a guy thing for sure- willing to bet a lot (most?) of us are wired that way. Now how many women think it's so hawt when two dudes that have had a few too many Bud Lights get kissy with each other? I've known women (online) who say they think it's sexy, but damn if I've ever met a girl like that in real life. Um, betting that's not a near-universal, like the other way around is. So actually you have the freedom to get just a little bit of freak on, and dudes don't. No, we most definitely don't get to play that game without getting instantly labeled.
As for self-forgiveness, is it necessary? What have you done that's so heinous? How's a young person supposed to figure out what they are and what they ain't without the freedom to experiment?
Any gay thought before this I ever had didn't matter to me. I knew I liked men and was sexually attracted to them. I remember one time me and my friends all got together, and someone initiated the conversation of sexuality. Some of my friends said they only watched lesbian porn, and a lot of them revealed they didn't consider themselves 100% straight. Do you think women have a higher tendency to be bicurious? I use to not worry about this stuff at all, and it didn't matter to me that I wasn't 100% straight because I knew I had a strong preference towards men. Now everything past thing I have ever done has come to attack me. Even one of my straightest female friends admitted once, she and her friend in middle school would practice kissing with each other. (THIS IS WAY WORSE THAN MY EXPERIMENT) 
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS Feed