NSFW POCD RealEventOCD Fanfiction Past

I have been reading fanfiction since I was in middle school. When I was a teenager I started reading explicit fanfiction. A lot of the fanfiction I was reading involved teenagers. However, I read a few explicit fanfictions that involved a lot younger characters (I found one that I remember reading where the character is 8 ). Some of the fanfiction involved non-consensual activities with characters who were probably around 13.

I don't think I was really thinking about the ages at the time I read them, but now I'm terrified that there is something wrong with me. I was old enough to know what I was doing was wrong (17).

I see a lot of people obsessing over reading fanfiction about teenagers, but I feel like what I did was a lot worse.

What sucks is that I know that I have never actually had any thoughts and urges to hurt children, and that I was probably just a stupid teenager that wasn't thinking critically about the content I was consuming. However, I still feel like a monster and a creep, and like I am the only person who has done something this bad.

I think you're making a lot more out of this than you need to be doing. You were still a minor, yourself, for starters. And stuff like that is sort of a grey-area, it's not as if you were consuming things that actually exploited real-life people. Kids do weird things because teenagers are generally pretty horny little creatures- I know I for sure was. With age comes maturity and the brain gets developed enough you start thinking 'hmm is this creepy'? In the end it's just fanfic, if explicit, and you're not the one who wrote it, and you find it outside of your comfort level now. My rule of thumb for grey-area stuff like that is that if it makes me uncomfortable, I decide to not look/read it. As I age, that bar gets lowered and more stuff feels creepy, because I don't want to be a creepy old man. You're not an old man. You were a teenager, doing teenagery things that didn't harm anyone.

I don't know if this might help someone in the future, but here have been some of the intrusive thoughts I have had and practice ERP (TRIGGER WARNING);

If I read explicit fanfiction about children, what if I'm attracted to children?

(So what? That doesn't mean I would have to act on it. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not)

If I read explicit fanfiction about children, what if I could have looked at images of real children?

(Maybe it could have happened, maybe not)

I didn't have any younger of siblings, but if I did, what if I experimented with them?

(Maybe that would've happened, maybe not)

If I have kids someday, what if I do something inappropriate to them?

(Maybe that will happen, maybe it won't)

If people knew, would they think I'm a sex offender?

(Maybe they would, maybe they wouldn't)

Still haven't been able to feel normal again, and I have days where I feel too sick to leave the house. But it's a marathon, not a sprint. One compulsion I have not been able to break has been obsessively googling. Definitely not helpful. (Speaking of which, if you are reading this, STOP DOING THAT )

Anyone who is in the same boat, hang in there, you deserve to live again.

I hope this is okay, but I think I'm going to treat this thread as sort of a journal of my progress. Hopefully if someone else has the same problem, this might help them.

My anxiety has lessened, and so have my compulsions somewhat. But I don't think it's because of ERP (I have been a very bad client and haven't been doing my homework).

I just feel tired. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but I haven't been able to concentrate on anything. I left the milk out for hours, left laundry in the apartment laundry room for days, and literally left the vacuum running with out realizing, all because I was so focused on what was happening mentally.

Other people have noticed too. I haven't told anyone what I'm experiencing because I'm scared, but when I'm at work or with my boyfriend, people will ask me what I'm thinking about. My guess is that I just have a blank stare on my face.

The obsessive googling needs to stop. So I'm making a pack with myself to stay off Google (and this forum) all day tomorrow. One day, no googling. I might have to throw my phone into the river.