Help with HOCD

I'm a seventeen year old girl and I've been experiencing HOCD thoughts since a year (actually, I've realized that I've been having intrusive thoughts centered on my sexuality since I was probably thirteen, without knowing it was HOCD).

I'm confident about my sexuality, which is straight, but it has been months since I've been experiencing discomfort/sadness regarding intrusive thoughts about being bi/lesbian (Note that I've had OCD since I was very little, around the age of six-seven. Plus, I've had HOCD thoughts about being demisexual, pansexual, aromantic, asexual and/or trasgender, so basically about most sexual orientations in the community).

Since I was little I've always had huge attraction towards guys, already having crushes and making up scenarios with them. Also while experiencing HOCD, I've never been comfortable with the thought of having a romantic or sexual relationship with a girl. I've discovered about different sexualities when I was thirteen, when a friend introduced me to the LGBT community. Since then, I already knew I would have been an ally, but I could not identify with them at all.

Around that age I've also started masturbating, watching different types of porn and reading smut. Whenever I'm not in the act of masturbating (where I basically find myself losing touch with reality) I have sexual fantasies just about the opposite sex, enjoying them very much and totally feeling the moment. Whenever I masturbate tho, well, I have every sort of fantasy, some of them which I find disgusting and not in alignement with what I feel whenever the arousal ends (I have/had straight fantasies, wlw, mlm, with eldery people, relatives, teachers, me as the opposite gender, even children twice). The sensation I feel whenever I have the latter(s) is feeling like being drudged or drunk, even if I've never experienced either yet. Like, it feels like I'm in a bubble that is much different from reality.

This especially happens with lesbian fantasies: after the masturbation, I usually find myself questioning what attracted me to it in the first place, since I don't find it particulary alluring (I don't read wlw or support actual ships like mlm ones since I don't feel paticulary engaged. Whenever I have those fantasies, I also feel like not actually focusing on women's bodies, but mostly on the sexual act itself (so never imagining kissing or any sort of affection during the act), which doesn't happend whenever I'm having straight or gay (man on man) fantasies. Also, a thing that I noticed (weirdly) thanks to my OCD is that I have lesbian/strange sexual fantasies only after an already existint arousal caused by a straight fantasy or because of anxiety. Another thing is that, especially if watching lesbian porn, I would wander "these women really are enjoying it, do they actually love the woman body that much?". Also, sometimes lesbian fantasies would come in as intrusive thoughts while I'm already masturbating to a straight one, making me feel discontent, since it comes to a point that I have to oblige myself into searching lesbian content for reaching an orgasm, even tho I don't want to.

When I was around thirteen, I would also install fictional dating apps (like otome games, anime dating games or sort) mostly with men love interests, but sometimes even with women. I would, tho, immediately lose interest in women after the arousal was finished, which led me to find them boring and not for me in a relatively short amount of time. I would also have lesbian sexual fantasies with friends of mine, despite having none attraction towards them in real life. I also started to feel there was something "obliging" myself to check out every girl/woman I saw and enjoy what I saw, even if in reality I didn't feel anything apart from feeling kind of puzzled (I think my HOCD started here)

Despite already knowing these fantasies are probably just kinks or fantasies inspired by the intrusive thoughts, I'm still scared of might being bisexual or lesbian. My HOCD became worse in september 2022 and led me to not wanting to go to swimming to avoid the changing rooms, checking out every girl costantly, always questioning whether or not I had repressed romantic feelings for every single friend/classmate of mine, all of this while I was having a huge crush on a boy I really loved, moreover. During these months I've experienced thoughts that have never crossed my mind and that led me through depression and a short period of eating much less than usual due to anxiety, such as wanting a romantic and sexual connection with a girl (thoughts that make me gag and feel disgusted, to not mention crying. I've also had a panick attack once). Also, I would usually pay little attention to women in general, like in books or series, just cause I find guys more appealing and interestint. But if I find a woman with a strong personality that I could identify with or want to be like, my mind would istantly go "you must like her, you are just denyint it".

I've noticed my HOCD becomes worse whenever I'm with LGBT friends. Like, my best friend has come out to me as bisexual, and of course I support her, she's one of my closest friends, I adore her. But she usually "jokes", as she says, asking questions such as "can I see your body?" or "why wouldn't you engage in activities with me? You might discover to be bisexual or lesbian". The worst thing is that HOCD makes me wanna accept whenever she asks those sort of things, even if I know I would not enjoy it.

I've been touched by this friend just once last year, she groped my breasts and I did the same to her. Whenever I remember this, I don't feel absolutely anything apart from discomfort (and also kind of regret cause I could have done that with one of her brothers instead).

Sometimes HOCD feels so real, that I feel like just accepting it and giving up. It makes me wanna come out, even tho I actually have no attraction/feelings towards the same sex. It also makes me think the opposite sex is unattractive, something that is absolutely NOT what I would usually think. It is also ruining connections with the opposite sex, I've been missing some chances cause I was in the loop of thinking "Am I liking him or is it just a cover so I don't have to be lesbian?". I feel bad for liking boys, I feel bad for wanting something with them, all because of HOCD. Now, a thought that usually comes into my mind is "But guys and girls are all people, there is not difference between the genders, why are you not comfortable with both?" when I fully know it is insane. (Same as a copule of my favourites: "but LGBT people might hate me if they know I'm both Christian and straight? Am I too boring since I'm straight?" Or "If I highly value my mother and love her, does it mean I'm lesbian?", "If I appreciate my own body and its features, am I lesbian?")

Like, I feel ashamed for my earlier teen self that approached sex in such an unhealthy way, feeling like I ruined my possible future relationships with the opposite sex. I questioned my sexuality different types, but not cause it was something that came natural to me, but because of "but if I have these fantasies even tho I feel nothing towards women, would people still think I'm bi?" (Curiosity, I've tried to take tests, they all say I'm either straight or bicurious, but still the questions asked would not take into account the one taking the test might have OCD, so the results might not be accurate).

I've also been to therapy, and the therapist has come to the conclusion that I'm in a loop of obsessive thoughts and influences from other people that make me question anything, not just my sexuality.

I just want to know if it gets better, or if I'm already gay but denying it, or if I'll suddenly change sexuality randomly one day of my life. I'm also scared God might want me to be gay and that I'm fighting against His choice, I'm scared I'll never have proper relationships with guys. I'm scared of ruining my life by accepting something that I highly feel I'm not.

I've also been experiencing self harm OCD, suicide OCD, religious OCD and relationship OCD, also along with obsessive thoughts about my morality and whether or not I'm a good person or not. Even about my hobbies and friendships! I would question every single thing in my life, and the worst thing is that the therapist said I already have all the clues to overcome OCD in general, but I still find it difficult to.

(Also sorry for some possible mistakes, my first language is not English)

Hi Lyv,

I hope you're doing alright. It definitely sounds like OCD. It seems like you're ruminating about everything in your life that has to do with this topic.
It's great that you're seeing a therapist. And I will say that OCD can definitely get better. I think you'll always have OCD tendencies, however it's very much something that can be mitigated - but it takes work to understand yourself, how your brain works, how OCD can both help and hinder you, and how to get out of cyclical OCD loops in thinking.

Sometimes, for myself, it helps if I address what the fear is underlying all the OCD ruminations. What is the true source of the anxiety if you follow it all the way down? From there you can start to understand why you're obsessing over certain topics and addressing that underlying fear.

Also, just please be kind to yourself. It sounds like you're torturing yourself over this. Would you do that to someone else in your situation? Or would you tell someone else to let it go?