Masturbated after groinal arousal by instrusive thoughts

Hello everyone, I am 18 years old. I just created an account here bc I'm feeling so guilty and down. I have been having obsessive thoughts since 2020. I experienced several themes, harm, health (fear of having cancer) and sexual ocd, I guess. The one that has lasted the longest is sexual theme. I would switch from one theme to another, first I would be with the health one and then I would "get over it" and then the sexual theme would come, I would get over it and go back to the health one, it was a cycle.

Since the end of the year I have had a really bad time, because now I only have sexual obsessions with a relative that I admire and respect a lot, one of the most important people. Also with a fictional character (it's stupid, I know and I'm sorry) but I love that character very much and it's like he's me, I identify with him. Before, he was the focus of attention with sexual thoughts about his person, and with him I experienced for the first time the famous groinal response, that day was one of the worst. I tried to check if I felt the groinal response again and many times I felt it, I also tried to replicate it with other people, but more with that family member to see if I felt it too, and few times I felt it. I think that now I overcame the obsession with the fictional character, I remember that I used to test myself to see if I got groinal with him or not.

Now the problem is my relative, he is my older brother. I have something that when I masturbate, sexual images or no sexual of my brother come to my mind, and no matter how much I don't want to think about them, they always come. So I think them, bc it seems impossible to not think abt them so I modify his image and turn him into another person or he becomes a shadow and that shadow is me. I control the image because I always had that fear that his image would come out of nowhere and make me feel more aroused, I did that with the character too. Too many things have happened to me with the subject of my brother. Many compulsions. I spent hours in my room doing compulsions, and cried a lot. Bit well.

What is killing me now is that I had a sexual thought of my sister-in-law having sex and as always everything I think the image of my brother comes in, and that thought of my sister-in-law turned me on. And then I thought and wanted to see and test, will I feel the same if I think about it with my brother? So I put it to the test and I felt arousal, I didn't want to leave it like that, so I thought again the same act with another person to check if I could feel the same arousal, and yes it happened, not so much, but I felt it. That calmed me down. The thing is that I spent a some minutes imagining the sexual act to check and my body turned on. So again THE PROBLEM, real one, lol, is that I masturbated after having that groinal response and arousal that I felt from that instrusive sexual thought from my sister-in-law and then test myself to see if I felt the same with my brother, and I felt groinal and arousal, and that made me feel bad so I rethought it with another person to see if I felt groinal response and arousal and I felt it too. Not as much similar as from my brother, but I felt groinal response and arousal to that person too. Then my body turned on with all this testing/checking idk. I think I went to the bathroom and I had this habit that every time I went to pee I masturbated, I stopped doing it because I didn't want to have images of my brother anymore. But following what I said before that time I wanted to masturbate because I wanted to get rid of that arousal feeling and I told myself that I hadn't done it for days and I really wanted to get rid of that feeling that was provoked by thinking and checking sexual scenarios with those people because of that instrusive sexual thought I had. And I did it, I masturbated, and of course, the cursed images of my brother appeared. So I did what I did before, think his image deliberately and modify it into another person or a shadow. It's just that images of him always get into everything, I hate it so much. No matter how much I push them away, they always come. And after I did that, I thought about it with other people, while I was masturbating, other family members, and I felt it too. That calmed me down. But then I felt that I didn't do it right and I spent a long time thinking about my brother, and family members to see if I felt the same. I did feel that of being able to climax. I felt so bad after. I spent almost all day ruminating, it exhausting.

Please someone tell me this is part of that disorder or confirm if I am already a disgusting degenerate. It's horrible, these sexual thoughts even in my dreams come out, even in my dreams I'm there and these thoughts come and I do compulsions in the dreams. It's horrible and I'm afraid to sleep because I don't want to dream that. I even felt like I was masturbating in real life when I dreamt something like that, but it doesn't matter that much, I think, I've seen it happen to other people and well, I don't know. I don't know. I hope someone can give me an answer about that too. PLEASE ANSWER THIS? TOO

Sometimes I would like to die, I really want to live, but not like this. It's not fair, I just wanted to have a nice healthy relationship with my brother. I feel like I shouldn't be loved for what I think and have done. I feel like I don't deserve to be loved. I feel very sad and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't cry. Once I even made myself throw up to distract myself from what I was feeling, it was horrible, it was the only thing I could think of, I couldn't stop crying and once I even forced myself to watch real gore to traumatize myself with it and distract myself from the thoughts.

Now I go around reading and watching videos on how to overcome this, some days I do well, others I fall back down the rabbit hole.

But these two days I have improved little, sometimes I start to ruminate without realizing it, but I try to do it less often, as a specialist in this advises. But what I'm telling you, it happened 3 days ago and no matter how much I look for someone who has had the same thing happen to them, it doesn't calm me down, I have already found two experiences like mine and that before it calmed me down and now it doesn't! I go back to think about it and analyze it and feel that it feels "right". Then the same thing happens again, it doesn't calm me down anymore and I still don't know what happens if it helped me before. I would really appreciate it if you could answer me and thank you. Or if anyone has gone through the same thing, even if it calms me down but I think I will feel bad afterwards and look for more things to calm me down, it seems like the same cycle. Any advice or anything please. I am begging you guys. I also hope you guys are doing better, even a little bit and if not...don't give up.

Also when I go to sleep those thoughts flood me, and sometimes I'm tired of pushing them away. So I pay a lot of attention to them and I think about them and that makes me feel bad, I don't want to think about them but they are still there and I don't know what to do. It's like a rubber band, I think about it, I don't want to keep thinking about it, I walk away and I think about them harder and I stay there because it's so hard not to think about them and that makes me feel very very bad. I feel like I want to think that and I like it. I have also felt desire and that I like the thoughts, but I saw that it happens to others and it is a symptom of this apparently. And this only happens when I go to sleep. Any advice for this?

I don't know if I have anything to do with it, but I have always felt aberration towards sex. I don't know if it was because my little brother's dad used to touch my parts when I was a little girl, I think I was about 5-6 years old? And that makes me feel guilty because I didn't stop him. But I know it's not my fault, I recently understood that, it still makes me feel really bad. When I was happy, my happiness didn't last long because that memory would come to my mind and make me cry and feel guilty. I am afraid to be happy, because if I am happy I feel that something bad will come and take away my happiness. I haven't been happy for days, I don't feel like doing anything, it's hard for me to take a bath. But I always try to do things that I like, for example taking care of plants, plants give me reasons to get out of bed and water them, and see how they grow. Some things that make me happy. This #######5 disorder has taken away everything that made me happy, now I can't even read books or comics or series because those thoughts are there, or listen to music because they make me think of my brother when I don't want to think of him. It's the worst. And im really jealous of people who do those things without those damn thoughts tormenting them. Plants and writing is the only thing that hasn't taken over. I don't have much left, but oh well. Thanks if you read all this, it means a lot to me.

I missed a lot of things during this, but the ones I mention are the ones that are worrying me a lot, alsooo I haven't been diagnosed with this $#%^ disorder, I doubt that I have it, it's kind of clear, but I want to be diagnosed, I want to feel better, I'm trying rn by myself. I do those compulsions of searching if others have experienced same things like me to see if I have ocd haha :c and make sure I'm not a bad, disgusting person. Id rather die than having those kind of acts with my brother, when I see him I want to cry, i don't feel any kind of attraction towards him, I don't like to hug him or physical touches bc I don't want to feel something but maybe I do ill bc this $#%^ condition can make you feel worse and worse so ill try not to care but yeah. I'm really sad, I wish I could have a nice relationship with him, good siblings relationship, maybe someday haha

I want to clarify that I don't use my brother image to fantasize or smth like that... I've never done it

This is kinda funny because rn what I pósted doesn't worry me lmao. Now another thing is worrying me but we'll, I'll try to disregard

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.
From someone who has suffered with OCD, this sure all sounds like OCD to me.

I think deep down you know all of this isn't you. Especially since you go through cycles of ruminating over completely different things. It sounds as though your obsessions have latched on to things you fear: cancer, sexual deviancy -and then sends you down a spiral of doubt & intrusive thoughts regarding these subjects.
Once you dig a hole with OCD it takes time to work your way out of it. Re-frame your issues in your mind as an OCD issue. This isn't about your brother, or you, or cancer, or anything sexual at all - this is an OCD thing now. And when it's an OCD thing, you can start working towards mitigating it. And I can tell you that even taking your OCD from 90% to 60% will drastically improve your life, with eventually getting it down to like 5% of what it is now as the goal.
With OCD it will always manifest itself in some ways, but quality of life can GREATLY improve if you learn to manage the illness and stop chasing each thing you're ruminating about. There's a lot of great online resources, books, therapy, this site, trusted loved ones to talk to about aspects of it, etc.
You can definitely dig yourself out of this hole, though you will need patience and determination to keep at it especially when you're anxieties are spinning out and there's nothing you want to do more than go ruminate on something. Ignoring that feeling can be the hardest thing in the world. But then the next time it's less hard. And less hard. And then a year from now your OCD is 10x more manageable. After another year it's 100x more manageable.
Who do you want to be a year from now?
For years I ruminated about the same things. At a certain point it helped to make a resolution to myself that I wasn't going to ruminate on any aspect of something anymore, and then when the doubts, fears and anxieties came in, I'd think about who I wanted to be by this time next year to stay true to my resolution. It's so hard in the moment, but the feeling is temporary. And then it gets easier.
That's what worked for me, though everyone is different.
But I think the main thing is understanding that the true issue here is OCD, not the things your OCD fear is spinning out on worrying if it's true or not.
All the best.

Catnaps!! Thank you so so much for your answer. Im going to do that. Wish you the best and tysm for your words. Hope you have a great day!

Happy if that helped you in any way! All the best!