Real Event OCD, POCD, Shame, Guilt, Feel so Disgusting

I'm currently not having a good weekend and I'm really upset with myself. I'm constantly feeling guilt and shame for my low self esteem and my intrusive thoughts about real events and POCD. I also have problems with harm but not as much as the two I listed above.

I use an app for my intrusive thoughts and it helps at times but at other times like these it can be really triggering and I just feel really horrible in the end. There was this post that involved an adult woman with a foot fetish and she felt a lot of anxiety because she came across something that has to do with a teenager's feet. She told me she didn't do anything to it and she was really worried about it but also knows it's an older video and the person she was talking about was way older. To me she sounded like someone who was going through POCD and I actually have several things in common with her. I also have a foot fetish and have unfortunately encountered similar scenarios where I felt worry. However, when reading about who she was I couldn't help but get this extreme amount of arousal because a woman around my age or older with a foot fetish is one of my biggest turn ons. I hated to see her struggling with this and since she deleted her post and probably her account, I just feel bad.

After this, someone who claimed to be a friend of hers posted this same story and I responded to it to know if she was okay and that from what she told me, it was all OCD and that she shouldn't worry. Then that person deleted the post and now I'm just confused about it all but I also feel really bad. I feel bad that not only this woman is suffering like this but I feel bad because I got so much arousal from this at the wrong place and wrong time. The arousal lasted for the entire night and then I kept fantasizing about the idea of meeting a woman with a foot fetish (not her specifically) and it just felt like I took advantage of this whole situation even though I can't help with what I'm attracted to. I occasionally went back and forth on the app to check if she replied to see if she was okay and had more to say but my mind is constantly twisting this by thinking I wanted to take advantage of this and I got thoughts of us talking about how we have this in common. This didn't happen and I didn't want this to happen but I just kept thinking about it and the arousal behind it would not go away at all.

I was NOT AT ALL aroused by the fact that she came across a teenager. That's sick. I had a nightmare about something that was like this with a woman that I thought was an adult initially on a news story completely naked and showing her body, but it turned out she was 16 and I woke up with disgust and shame but with groinals. I had told her about it and how much I hated it. I was just aroused because of the initial person she was. I feel so bad about this and I couldn't sleep or get through the morning today because of what had happened. I just hope that she's okay and she isn't sent into a panic over what had happened to her and whatever her OCD is saying.

I feel like a scumbag. I feel like I'm gross and I'm so ashamed of having these feelings and how it escalated to a seperate fantasy that I almost got off to. I can't stand that it aroused me so much and I hate that it did because that person was struggling with this and I feel like I took advantage of this whole thing even though I didn't tell her anything about this or how I felt about her having a foot fetish. It wouldn't have related to what she was going through and it would have been weird. It would have been pointless. I'm trying to tell myself that OCD is twisting things and that I can't help what I'm attracted to but it's hard. The feelings are still here and I feel disgusting about it.