My anxiety has peaked again...

First I would like to start off by saying I am finally able to afford help so I am going to try and get some appointments going ASAP for this it has gotten so bad this week and I would really appreciate some help getting me through this even if it seems repetitive.


This recent spike happened because I was watching a romcom anime and I wasn't able to insert as the mc like I believe I was able to in the past. However, I grew attached to the characters and I am unsure if I genuinely liked the female characters or not I also worry that I was jealous of the female characters. There was also a femboy/trap character that I worry I was attracted to more on this character later.

When the anime ended is when the problems really started to get much, much worse. I immediately started to flat out feel depressed and started wishing I could just go back to "normal" if I was ever straight to begin with. I started getting really depressed thinking about the main female because think I found her attractive, but I just don't know and thinking about it just hurts.


I ended up testing again and again and eventually, it led me to hentai of the femboy and the mc and I never orgasmed or anything, but I think I felt some kind of arousal? Anyways, I was masturbating using my fantasies instead of using porn and it felt really difficult to go anywhere and then my mind switched to a panel of the hentai of the guys penis which was stupid massive and it instantly sent me to the brink of orgasm which I did. I also tried to just masturbate to porn like normal the next day and it was going ok and the same thing basically happened where a bunch of penises appeared on screen and it made me orgasm.

I also have had some forgotten memories re-emerge that is making this much worse too. I can remember when I was in I think 2nd grade a boy from my class was having to stay at my house for an extended period of time and I got excited and ended up kissing him and I don't remember if it was cheek or lips. I can also remember at one point feeling a friends erection on my butt and I felt like I enjoyed it. I was also into some really weird things when I was younger like for some reason the scene in rambo 2 when he had the leeches on him turned me on. Another thing was me and a group of friends were playing around in a basement and can't exactly remember what happened, but I remember being made fun of for "humping" someone.

I also made the discovery that I have always kind of had a fear of being gay without knowing it and would try my hardest not to expose myself to anything that could prove it to me and this also worries me that I have been repressing it in some way this whole time.

I don't understand why I chased after girls and longed for them was it because of compulsive heterosexuality? What? I feel like I've been living a lie and everything I thought I knew about myself has been wrong and that I will never be with a girl and have a family... This was a really long post and I apologize for that, but any help with these things would be very much appreciated while I try and get professional help I really feel like I'm at my wits end here.

-- Tue May 23, 2023 2:27 am --

I should also add that I am always getting jealous of other guys for their bodies and looks and I read somewhere that its common among repressed and in denial gay men to do that.

I even had the urge to seek out girls when I was a preteen and would often try to and would get shy and bashful when one would talk to me. Hell, I even remember when I confessed my feelings to a girl when I was 16 and I felt so many butterflies and all that and was super excited when she reciprocated and I felt like I was on top of the world. Would a repressed/closeted/in denial gay guy do any of this? What if that was all just some twisted form of compulsive heterosexuality or heteronormativity? Ugh I'm in such a mess right now and I almost want to cry, but I either can't or won't. No offense to the LGBT community, but I really don't want to be gay and am terrified of the thought...

Again I apologize for the length and ranty nature, but I really feel like I need to get this out there and off my chest and I hope I get a good therapist that wont cause me to have a breakdown.

One more thing before I go to bed. If I am gay and have been this whole time why don't I want a relationship with a guy and why don't I fantasize about all that comes with it