Do you think it's HOCD + Straight, Bisexual, or Lesbian

Hi,

I want to keep this quick. I have had what I hope to be HOCD from 21 to 24. It has been the worst mental agony I have ever gone through compared to my other anxiety and OCD themes, and it is so central to my identity. I don't want to bore you with my life details, as I have posted on here before, so I want to run through some questions I have and hear your thoughts on what we really think this is from an outside perspective. I'll separate all of them into different categories, and let me know your thoughts.

Pro-OCD Side:
-Have had an anxiety disorder since I was 11 and other OCD issues before (nothing this intense, though)
-this is complete torture and agony for me
-the idea of getting it on with a girl or cuddling with one causes me an uneasy feeling and makes me feel disgusted, but I get a strong groinal response
-I spend hours online in forums and on OCD websites over this topic
-I have always crushed on men, had sexual fantasies about men, had many celebrity crushes on men, was one of the boy-crazy friends, and always envisioned myself marrying a man
-Everything LGBT-related never made me uncomfortable before this set in - I went to a pride festival before, I hungout with my gay family friend and her girlfriend, and I watched TV shows with LGBTQ characters without worrying
-I have a boyfriend who I deeply love, and we have amazing sex, but of course, In ocd fashion, my relationship is constantly picked apart
-I have been sexual with over 15 men - many of which were in college during my very boy-crazy phase.
-I have always loved flirting with men and male attention (sadly, this went away as the obsession kicked in)
-I get a groinal response even hearing the word lesbian or seeing a woman in a bikini which has never happened to me before and seems like a not-so-natural reaction of a true gay person
-all my childhood journals and diaries were writing about men (I compulsively dug them up to check)
-I get wet when I give my boyfriend oral sex
-the idea of going down on a girl makes me cringe
-I can't recall any girl from my HS or college who I had a crush on (my OCD really tries to find something but to no avail)
-I have been absolutely heartbroken over men and cried my eyes out about breakups and them not liking me back
-I compulsively knock on things 4 times to make sure I don't turn lesbian -stupid, I know
-I have had multiple breakdowns over this, and it haunts me every day. I really don't want to marry and start a life with a woman, but my brain says I will like it once I stop fighting it.
-I have not had one day since it started which I have had a break from these thoughts and desperately want the old me back
-I never had a problem with finding women hot or sexy because I knew I liked men and can appreciate beauty
-If I was to be gay I think I would always mourn my straight self and really would miss my old attraction and who I was
-lesbians have hit on me before and asked me on dates, and I felt uncomfortable and politely declined.

Possibly LES:
-I watched a lesbian sex scene in a movie as a kid and got really aroused -it was a dirty movie with straight sex scenes as well that made me aroused
-I get nervous now being nice to good-looking women in fear I may start liking them
-I get offended by gay slurs now that didn't bother me before
-my boyfriend has lesbian friends I get super uncomfortable around
-I watched girls kissing and masturbating to it at 14 and then switched to straight and lesbian porn. I thought it made me bisexual to do this but found out a lot of my friends watched it too later on, and they are all straight. I would also fantasize about men a lot during it.
-I'm way less attracted to men's bodies than I use to be
-I'm 90% less attracted to men than I use to be, which breaks my heart
-I worry I was almost so attracted to men to overcompensate for something (unknowingly) which I know sounds so stupid
-I worry if me and my boyfriend break up I will want to start dating woman
-I experimented with my friend at 13
-I watched videos on youtube regarding lesbian couples for one afternoon when I was in middle school
-One time, I went to a club with my friends and couldn't find any men, and then a girl came up to me and said I was pretty, and I joked to my friend that I should go home with her, which made me spike.
-I get an insane amount of groinal responses
-I one time got curious about lesbian Tinder and switched my profile and really didn't find any of the girls attractive, so I left.
-I never considered myself 100% straight but always knew I liked men, so it never bothered me
-I kissed my friends drunk sometimes because I love the attention from men - I was never thinking about them and always getting excited that men would love it.
-I one time was having bad sex with a man (around 19) and had the thought, "Am I a lesbian?" pass my mind, and then the sex got better, so I brushed it off. It seemed like an intrusive thought at the time.

I tried to get through everything, and that's most of it. Let me know what you think sounds like OCD and what doesn't. Even typing this out made me feel a little better because it made me realize a lot of the things on the lesbian side were fairly small events, but I would love to know your thoughts.

hocdgirl1313 wrote:Hi,

I want to keep this quick. I have had what I hope to be HOCD from 21 to 24. It has been the worst mental agony I have ever gone through compared to my other anxiety and OCD themes, and it is so central to my identity. I don't want to bore you with my life details, as I have posted on here before, so I want to run through some questions I have and hear your thoughts on what we really think this is from an outside perspective. I'll separate all of them into different categories, and let me know your thoughts.

Pro-OCD Side:
-Have had an anxiety disorder since I was 11 and other OCD issues before (nothing this intense, though)
-this is complete torture and agony for me
-the idea of getting it on with a girl or cuddling with one causes me an uneasy feeling and makes me feel disgusted, but I get a strong groinal response
-I spend hours online in forums and on OCD websites over this topic
-I have always crushed on men, had sexual fantasies about men, had many celebrity crushes on men, was one of the boy-crazy friends, and always envisioned myself marrying a man
-Everything LGBT-related never made me uncomfortable before this set in - I went to a pride festival before, I hungout with my gay family friend and her girlfriend, and I watched TV shows with LGBTQ characters without worrying
-I have a boyfriend who I deeply love, and we have amazing sex, but of course, In ocd fashion, my relationship is constantly picked apart
-I have been sexual with over 15 men - many of which were in college during my very boy-crazy phase.
-I have always loved flirting with men and male attention (sadly, this went away as the obsession kicked in)
-I get a groinal response even hearing the word lesbian or seeing a woman in a bikini which has never happened to me before and seems like a not-so-natural reaction of a true gay person
-all my childhood journals and diaries were writing about men (I compulsively dug them up to check)
-I get wet when I give my boyfriend oral sex
-the idea of going down on a girl makes me cringe
-I can't recall any girl from my HS or college who I had a crush on (my OCD really tries to find something but to no avail)
-I have been absolutely heartbroken over men and cried my eyes out about breakups and them not liking me back
-I compulsively knock on things 4 times to make sure I don't turn lesbian -stupid, I know
-I have had multiple breakdowns over this, and it haunts me every day. I really don't want to marry and start a life with a woman, but my brain says I will like it once I stop fighting it.
-I have not had one day since it started which I have had a break from these thoughts and desperately want the old me back
-I never had a problem with finding women hot or sexy because I knew I liked men and can appreciate beauty
-If I was to be gay I think I would always mourn my straight self and really would miss my old attraction and who I was
-lesbians have hit on me before and asked me on dates, and I felt uncomfortable and politely declined.

Possibly LES:
-I watched a lesbian sex scene in a movie as a kid and got really aroused -it was a dirty movie with straight sex scenes as well that made me aroused
-I get nervous now being nice to good-looking women in fear I may start liking them
-I get offended by gay slurs now that didn't bother me before
-my boyfriend has lesbian friends I get super uncomfortable around
-I watched girls kissing and masturbating to it at 14 and then switched to straight and lesbian porn. I thought it made me bisexual to do this but found out a lot of my friends watched it too later on, and they are all straight. I would also fantasize about men a lot during it.
-I'm way less attracted to men's bodies than I use to be
-I'm 90% less attracted to men than I use to be, which breaks my heart
-I worry I was almost so attracted to men to overcompensate for something (unknowingly) which I know sounds so stupid
-I worry if me and my boyfriend break up I will want to start dating woman
-I experimented with my friend at 13
-I watched videos on youtube regarding lesbian couples for one afternoon when I was in middle school
-One time, I went to a club with my friends and couldn't find any men, and then a girl came up to me and said I was pretty, and I joked to my friend that I should go home with her, which made me spike.
-I get an insane amount of groinal responses
-I one time got curious about lesbian Tinder and switched my profile and really didn't find any of the girls attractive, so I left.
-I never considered myself 100% straight but always knew I liked men, so it never bothered me
-I kissed my friends drunk sometimes because I love the attention from men - I was never thinking about them and always getting excited that men would love it.
-I one time was having bad sex with a man (around 19) and had the thought, "Am I a lesbian?" pass my mind, and then the sex got better, so I brushed it off. It seemed like an intrusive thought at the time.

I tried to get through everything, and that's most of it. Let me know what you think sounds like OCD and what doesn't. Even typing this out made me feel a little better because it made me realize a lot of the things on the lesbian side were fairly small events, but I would love to know your thoughts.

Hello, I'm a 36 year old man that's suffered from HOCD since age 19. This obsession first hit me in May 2006 and burdened my life for over a decade. However, the obsessions have largely subsided over the past 6 months or so. I recommend that you see a therapist that specializes in OCD. This is an irrational fear that feeds on doubt. You have to challenge these thoughts everyday as they're invalid.

Hi,

I'm having an awful time this week. I live with roommates but actually had to go home because of how bad it got. I kept having panic attacks where I practically convinced myself. I've ruminated so hard to the point of severe headaches and now can barely remember my past and what it felt like to be attracted to men. (BUT I WAS) When did you start therapy, and did you do ERP? Did you ever have weeks, too, where the fear felt so real, and has the OCD affected your memories? Everything seems like upside down and like left is right. I feel awful this week, and this is the worst my mental health has been. My brain also feels like a sponge-like where everything I read suddenly applies to me. I have no idea who I am and who I use to be. Also, the groinal responses have stopped me from wanting to go to the grocery store, being around my roommate, and looking people in the eye. I feel like I'm constantly noticing the same sex. I practically feel like I'm going crazy. How did you cope with your really really bad weeks. I've had this for three years, and it hasn't felt this bad since when it started. I'm starting to loose insight.

hocdgirl1313 wrote:Hi,

I'm having an awful time this week. I live with roommates but actually had to go home because of how bad it got. I kept having panic attacks where I practically convinced myself. I've ruminated so hard to the point of severe headaches and now can barely remember my past and what it felt like to be attracted to men. (BUT I WAS) When did you start therapy, and did you do ERP? Did you ever have weeks, too, where the fear felt so real, and has the OCD affected your memories? Everything seems like upside down and like left is right. I feel awful this week, and this is the worst my mental health has been. My brain also feels like a sponge-like where everything I read suddenly applies to me. I have no idea who I am and who I use to be. Also, the groinal responses have stopped me from wanting to go to the grocery store, being around my roommate, and looking people in the eye. I feel like I'm constantly noticing the same sex. I practically feel like I'm going crazy. How did you cope with your really really bad weeks. I've had this for three years, and it hasn't felt this bad since when it started. I'm starting to loose insight.

Sorry for the delay. I'm glad I checked this site though. I'll answer as best I can

1. I started therapy for OCD in 2012 and 2015. However, I did not seek treatment for HOCD until 2019. My therapist used Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) during our sessions. However, I would expose myself to images of attractive men to dismantle the intrusive thoughts. There is a difference between checking to satisfy the obsession and exposure to treat the disorder.

2. I've had weeks where I thought the thoughts were real, particularly when this obsession first hit me in 2006. OCD caused me to question multiple memories to look for evidence of homosexuality.

3. I haven't had bad weeks, but certainly bad moments or days when the thoughts seemed too real. In the early days (2006-2008) I visited OCD sites and chatted with people suffering HOCD as it provided reassurance. However, I lived with the thoughts and the impact and spikes slowly subsided over the decade. I now have far fewer spikes, though they still occur. However, I've nearly conquered my HOCD.

Do not give up and keep practicing your mental exercises. You can beat this irrational obsession.

To me the fact that you're writing all of this and analyzing it to death + how much agony it's causing you is clear indication that this is OCD. I'm intimately familiar with OCD, unfortunately, and this screams of it.

The obvious answer here is the one that everyone else will see, but will be impossible for you to. I know this because I've been caught in the grips of OCD before and have a good friend who has been too.
The obvious answer is that you've taken nothing and blown it up into something based on anxiety and fear. And the answer is that in the end it doesn't even matter either way. (not to say that it doesn't matter to you, or you don't matter - but that in the end it's fine whatever sexual orientation you are, whether gay straight or somewhere in between).
This truly shouldn't cause you agony. And given that it does and how much you're overthinking this, I believe that this is an OCD reaction of you being scared you might not be straight or might not know your true identity.
I've had similar OCD spirals and I feel like whenever I get out of the thing I was spiralling on, I look back later and it seems so strange that I spun out on it for so long. But it's hard to see the truth when you're so deep inside of it. The best way to find the answer to this is to not worry what the answer is, then it will become obvious to you. But trying to solve a problem while you're still spinning out in the problem is near impossible. A healthy lifestyle (eating well, working out, therapy, friends & family), time and distance will give you the answer. Analyzing it to death will not.

Giving you love and wishing you the best!