Harm ocd yet again. I can't go on like this

It's me again.
I saw my ex high school bully in traffic. I beeped my horn and flipped the bird and yelled profanities at her. Not a proud moment of mine but in the past she has assaulted me. I remember my heart racing but feeling good for getting back at her eventhough it wasn't face to face. I was in my car. I don't even know if she saw me. She drove off and I continued to turn right on to a d8fferent road. I dropped my daughter off at the train station. I do feel bad yelling abuse in front of my daughter. Now my brain is saying I got out of the car after I dropped my daughter off and killed this woman. But how? How when she drove off and I continues f9r about another 500 metres before I dropped my girl off. Then I poured gas. Then came home. How and when did I kill her? She also lives a street away yet my ocd isn't getting better. I parked my car a few doors up from her place to see if she comes out of her house to see if she's alive. What do I do?

You don't stalk her and you make yourself ignore the thoughts. When I think I've done something, I make myself ignore it.

But Snaga, how do I know I didn't kill her? My heart races when I wake up. I feel sick. I can't ignore the thoughts cause I believe the thoughts. I spoke to my psych who said that I need to distract myself. I've been going to the beach, gardening etc and she's on my mind. She lives a street away. Do I sit in my car and wait for her to leave her house? This is killing me

You know you didn't kill her because you didn't kill her. You'd know if you'd done such a thing, and likely everyone else would know it by now, as well.

I don't remember how I killed her which means I mustn't have done it. It's been a week and I'm still scared and thinking the police will come.

And they haven't, so....

Thanks for your quick reply. I guessing worried about going to jail. It's part of my harm ocd. I keep telling everyone I know to just knock.on her door and see if she's ok but they won't do it. I guess they know she's fine and it's just my ocd that's talking sheet!
I'm sick of being scared. I need to trust my family and my psych and ignore these thoughts. Like you said, ignore them.

Like anything, it takes practice, and you practice it by doing it.

So I gave in to the thoughts. I parked a few doors up from her house. Waited 2 hours and didn't see her come out ,gave up and drove home. I broke down at home and told my family where I was. Just sitting in the car, scrolling instagram. I wasn't acting suspicious but I won't do it again. Don't want to be accused of stalking even though it's a public road. Many people sit in their cars to talk on their phones, smoke cigarettes etc.

Now my thought has changed. Did she come out and I blacked out and did hurt her? For goodness sake, I was in my car. I didn't leave my car. Noone came.to my car. I didn't see her. I think it's best I didn't see her. I'm not going to park in her street again

I know it's hard but you have to let it go. I had a situation just other day while driving that triggered my OCD and I had to ask the other person with me 'did I hit them?' and ofc the answer was No, but I had to ask twice before I got it out of my system just enough to beat down my OCD from letting it continue. And I had to fight myself from the urge to go back and check. While all the time I know if I'd hit something I would have known it you don't hit something big and not know it. Not even something little, you know it you feel it. I know that rationally but OCD is not rational. So... I sucked it up and I let it go. You GOT to let this the hell go. Just stop it.

I've been through this kind of thing for me it's when driving. One time saw an unexpected pedestrian late at night, then worry I hit them, then circle back around to check and of course that means I see them again and then what? They realise it's the same car and think I'm stalking her? Did I hit them this time? Do I check again? Will they get my tag number? Will the police come to my house? What if I don't check?

And every time you check, it creates a new instance to worry about having done something. And before you know it you're telling me you're stalking their house for reassurance. If you're that concerned about it go knock on the door and under the guise of apologising for yelling and giving them the middle finger (because you need something other than 'my OCD is acting up), and if that isn't to your taste then the only other thing is to let this madness go and decide to stop it now. And that's the better solution because as soon as you get through with your 'apology' you'll go home and then worry you blacked out and killed them at the front door. And then you'll need to check again. And again and again and again, until you do what you know you need to do and tell yourself This Ends Now. Worry about having killed them or hurt them, after you've been arrested, not before. Defer the anxiety. That's what I do, I defer my anxiety. I'll worry about hurting or killing someone, when the law shows up at my door. Not before. I'll have plenty of time to panic about it then, why should I do it now when I don't even have any proof I've done anything? So stop giving in to this madness and start making yourself let it go. It's hard, very hard, but it can be done, and the more you do it, the easier it gets to do it.

You really have no choice, every time you do something to reassure yourself, you're just digging yourself a deeper hole to have to get out of.