Harm Ocd- I need your help Snaga please

Hi Snaga and every ocd sufferer,
Long story short. I went on a holiday with my daughter. She has an invisible disability, she has MS and looks OK. Anyway, as we were walking along the tarmac, a worker was yelling" move " quite aggressively. We got on top of the stairs and about to go into the airport, we were off the tarmac and she was still yelling for us to "move". We made a complaint to another worker and the yelling tarmac worker was called up. She approached us with " what's the problem?" We said that she was rude and we were off the tarmac. And that my daughter has MS. She was snickering and smirking. And then I started to yell at her something along the lines of, " how dare you be so rude. Don't judge. Just because my daughter looks fine doesn't mean she is fine, plus we were already off the tarmac. I also cussed alot. I continued to say, not my problem you have to work a crappy job for crappy pay. She never apologised so that made me furious, hence my yelling. She them said, you need something and motioned with her hand that I needed a drink to calm down. I told her to eff off. My daughter was crying and we walked off. She then says, you're going the wrong way and I said , i will go where I wanna go. We sat down and i consoled my daughter. After a few minutes we had to walk past the horrible worker . My daughter was ahead of me and I was a few metres behind. I could see she was smirking and gossiping to the flight attendants. This is where my ocd comes in. One guy taped us so I'm embarrassed of that but I'm protective of my daughter. Then I thought that on the way back when we passed there that I may have clocked her one ( hit her). I don't trust my memory. I keep telling myself that I didn't touch her and that she didn't touch me. It was a verbal altercation. My daughter keeps telling me that I didn't hurt her and that eventhough my daughter was ahead of me, she knows I didn't hit anyone. I'm worried I blacked out and hit her. My daughter was only a few metres in front of me. I'm scared I'm in trouble. Ugh!! Why is it that people can have arguments and move on and the moment I ever have an argument, mind you I avoid confrontation , I think I've either hurt them or even killed them. It's been over a week. My heart races every morning. I even got angry with my daughter that she wasn't right by my side like as if her being a few metres in front has given me some time to hit the worker and walk back to my daughter. Please can someone help me. I know you have had harm ocd Snaga. I hope you can help me. Even having my daughter with me at the airport is no relief for my mind.
Suz xx

From what I have read, the issue you are having is being unable to shake off the idea that you have somehow hurt this person and can't remember. And then I briefly looked at your other post and noticed they had the same theme of "forgetting something that could have dire repercussions".

First off, you are not alone in this "memory loss" idea. There is a specific theme and circumstance that plagues people who have anxiety disorders and are afraid something bad happened when performing a task. I won't go into specifics because I do not want you to adopt that theme but again, this is something that people with anxiety disorders suffer from - memory issues or blackouts that serve to create a 'what if" obsession.

To that point, you said in another post, that you suffer from severe OCD. I assume you have been diagnosed and are working with some sort of professional? If so I would suggest you talk to them about this specific issue, and discuss with them the situations you have been in that this issue has affected.

Then you want to work on coping mechanisms.

I have personally suffered all sorts of issues because of OCD. I have only visited this specific theme once. I was at a picnic all day and when I got home, I was afraid I had done something wrong (the details of which I won't of into). I knew I didn't do anything wrong but I was afraid that someone might have thought I did something wrong. I suffered for many days waiting for repercussions to occur. Naturally, it didn't. At some point, I just had to give to the thoughts that were plaguing me and get on with my life. Sadly, though, I never went to that annual picnic again. Not because I thought I would do something wrong but because I knew my brain would play the "what if" game and I would suffer for a few weeks.

If this was a one-off I would tell you to just wait it out and do your best to get on with your life. But it seems that your anxiety is going to pick and choose circumstances where the same fear occurs. That is why I suggest you get with a therapist and work on coping mechanisms and keep in communication with this person when you flare up.

Otter.

Hi Otter,

Yes, I have been diagnosed with severe ocd. I take a hig dose of zoloft, 300mgs and seroquel 50mgs at night . I will be seeing.my psychologist next week.
I just hope this flare up doesn't last one. I had a pond thought that lasted 5 years.

If you had hit an airport employee, I'm sure you'd know it only too well. The fact you were not taken into custody is proof sufficient, no matter how much your brain is screaming lies at you to the contrary. I would suggest you try to not care at all whether you did or not. The attitude of not caring helps me with my harm OCD. I didn't do it, or I'm not going to do it, therefore I don't care. OCD will just have to pound sand, I have to not care.

Thanks Otter and Snaga.
It's been three weeks and I still can't shake this thought. I'm almost delusional. I am starting to think that I hurt her. I know this is reassurance seeking but if I don't do it, I'm scared I will go to the cops to confess.
So I tell myself this, 1) you are OK. You just had a verbal fight. You didn't hit her. There would've been a commotion. Security would've been called. You would've been arrested. Is my daughter not being with me the whole time at the airport enough?!! I keep thinking that I blacked out when my daughter was a few metres in front of me. So I somehow managed to go to the desk, hit the worker and then go back and follow my daughter out the airport.
My psychologist has told me that I would've been arrested by now. That I shouldn't listen to the " wolf in sheep's clothing" ( the thoughts) and distract myself. But whatever I do, I am still scared I'm in trouble. I wish I never got pissed and yelled.

I am sorry you continue to be at this elevated level of anxiety/panic. Everything your Psych said is true. Your fear is taking great leaps to create "what if" scenarios. "What ifs" are the backbone of this forum.

Anxiety disorders (AD) of this type are like an emergency alarm going off in your head but there isn't an emergency. Whenever the brain is in panic mode, it must look for a reason. That's natural. People who smell smoke in their houses become anxious because something is really wrong. There is proof.

For someone with AD, like OCD, no such proof is needed. And yet, their brain is still panicking. So a reason must be found. That's the beginning of all OCD "themes" (HOCD, POCD, Harm OCD), etc.

Play through this. Don't give into the urge to investigate. If you had hit this person it would have been reported.

My brain is telling me that I killed her. I'm waiting for the cops to come

Hey. I'm sorry things have escalated. I have a feeling the cops will never come. You would have heard something on the news, or seen something about it online (if you tried looking).

Here is a thought experiment. If you were to make a bet as to whether or not you killed the person you had an argument with, which way would you bet? You stand to WIN a million dollars, with the correct answer, or LOSE everything you own if you're wrong.

Interesting bet, Otter. Next time I 'hit' a pedestrian, I'll wager myself.

NMT- dude. Let it go. At some point, you're going to have to let this the heck go. When my brain tells me I hit a pedestrian (usually there is no pedestrian at all, so I am hitting invisible people) I have to fight like mad (and sometimes lose) the urge to go back and check. But I have to remind myself that if I'd hit something as big as a human being I would know it. If I have to think about whether I did, chances are good that I didn't. If you killed this person, you'd KNOW IT. Everyone around would know it, the cops would know it, they'd be sure you knew it.