This is harm OCD… right??? Anyone else suffer from this?

Hi guys,

I was a member of this forum about 6 years ago when I was going through HOCD. But it seems like the OCD is back. But this time it is Harm focused. This is gonna be long… sorry. [b]Also trigger warning: I describe my thoughts in detail, so if it’s triggering. Don’t read [/b]

About 5-6 days ago I was watching the Dahmer documentary. I remember clearly watching the second episode and at one point wondering “what if I am like this too? What’s to stop me from
being like this?”. So I immediately stopped watching because I do have a history of obsessive thinking .

It started initially with thoughts of me stabbing people with knives but then eventually my brain somehow fixated on my mother. I get these violent images of strangling my mother in her sleep. So of course, I really want to avoid her at all costs. Especially at nights. It very dumb because she’s the number one person in my life and I love her. I can’t even imagine anything happening to her. In the mornings when she goes to work I say a little prayer so she doesn’t get into any kind of accident. But living in the same house avoiding is hard to do and last time I went to therapy I was told not to avoid whatever was scaring me. So I haven’t actually been avoiding her. But if I don’t use avoidance, I feel like I’ll end up acting on my thoughts. And if I do, my brain says “you’re avoiding because you know it’s true”. If I feel panicked I must be this monster, and if I don’t then I am definitely this monster too.

Anyway, for the past 2 nights I have been getting what I can only call “urges”, “impulses”. These feelings certainly feel like that. They feel so strong and my brain keeps telling me “do it. You know you want to” and then my panic gets stronger. As the panic worsens so do the thoughts. Like 1 night ago I had such a bad anxiety attack to the point where I was shaking. I felt so out of control during this anxiety episode, I couldn’t breathe, mouth was so dry, throat was tight, my mind was racing with thoughts like “you’ll feel better once you do it” and [b]I started thinking “what if I do feel better once I act on it?”and then from that thought I started thinking “what if I am the type of killer who feels better once they act on their thoughts?” These thoughts just made everything 10x worse. I mean why would I have this thought if I wasn’t truly a psychotic person? I mean even people with OCD, probably do not have this thought?

I eventually sought support from my parents and told them all of it. They of course said, “that’s not how serial killers or murderers work”. If you really wanted to do it, you would have done it”. But somehow I cannot believe it because now I am fixated on the thought I had of feeling better once I act on it. And during this episode of whatever it was last night, it felt so real. I was convinced I am a murderer in the making. I even went to my mother’s room and as soon as I was there I felt nothing. I didn’t want to do anything to her. Of course I still had the thoughts and I was still anxious. But I didn’t have any urge to harm her. She’s been my source of comfort ever since I was a child.

Yesterday, I was out with friends and I didn’t wanna go home because I was scared I would have another panic episode and that would set everything off again. But when I got home, no anxiety. I saw my mom, she suggested I sleep next to her just to face my irrational fear. I was hesitant at first but then I said “okay. Let’s do this”. I was so scared I couldn’t trust myself that I got her to hold both my hands in case I couldn’t control myself because my mind went “what if you can’t control it?” The more I stayed with her, 5 mins into it I became aware that I have no anxiety. I felt like my normal self. I kept agreeing with every thought that came into my head and just let it be and drift off. On and on it went in my head until I just didn’t respond with panic. And as I observed myself I realized my mind actually drifted onto other positive things. But then I worried why I wasn’t anxious because my mind went “you’re supposed to be anxious because normal people in your situation would be”. The thing is I am not anxious anymore. Even right now, I feel as normal as I can be given all this is going on. And I am worried why I am not panicking and why I am not reacting to these thoughts especially the one where my brain went “you’ll feel better once you act on it?” I mean aren’t I supposed to be latching onto this thought and panicking 24/7? But I am not.. and that’s kind of scary to me