POCD or denial?? I'm so terrified

So for context: I'm 16, female and at this point I'm not even sure if I have POCD or if I'm just in denial. Some weeks ago I've started getting those thoughts "am I a pedophile?" and I got quite obsessed with it. I never had any physical sign though that I might be a pedophile and I was never attracted to children so I was always sure to scream at my thoughts "NO I AM NOT". On sunday though I had this major fear about being a pedophile and that I might still be in denial. On monday then I started to feel really weird well...down there. It felt wet, uncomfortable and warm and I had it almost all the time. Like when I was busy I didn't have it or noticed it but once I had the thought "Oh I don't have that feeling anymore" it came back. And I'm so terrified that it might have been sexual arousal because of kids. Somehow, when I'm near kids I notice it really much and intense. Like it gets wet and weird. I got terrified to the point where I even thought about getting a vaginal surgery just so I wouldn't have it anymore. The thing was though: I didn't have any sexual thought with a child? It was just the fear of maybe being one and since then this weird feeling started. I never had it before. Just some days ago I was perfectly able to play with children without this uncomfortable feeling but now it's still there. Even once a little boy sat down next to me and I got distressed because of the fear that I might feel something but I told myself "Calm down. You're not attracted to him" and suddenly something flushed out and it broke all panick in me. And during the night, when I try to sleep, I sometimes just automatically think of a child and this feeling comes again and then I end up crying the whole night through. Or when I see or just hear kids or about them I get scared and then this feeling comes. I'm so terrified that it might be really sexual arousal. I never willingly thought of kids in any sexual way and never fantasized about them. But since I had that feeling I can't even be near my two younger sisters without getting scared and distressed. I'm not sure if it's a groinal response or arousal but someone once told me that it's probably arousal and since then I couldn't stop panicking. It has gotten to the point where I couldn't sleep at all and was about to faint. And then another thing: I always tried to figure out how old someone is in case that , if they're like three years younger, and I get an arousal or a thought I wouldn't have to worry since this wasn't pedophilic as a way to calm me down but now I've realized how ###$ up that is and I can't stop crying. I just want this all to stop, I want my old life back where I didn't have this fear. Someone please help me!

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

Please read some of the other posts concerning POCD and I think you'll see that you're not unique in this. Especially the groinal sensations- anxiety can do that to a person. If you were a pedophile I feel pretty sure you'd have had a thing for children before now.

* *********TRIGGER WARNING***********
Sooo this is gonna be a long vent but I feel the need to confess. Confess the disgusting things that bother me. I'm sixteen. I hate myself and I'm so disgusting. I hate myself for what I did. I hate myself for my awful curiosity. I hate myself for my sexual and perverted thoughts. I hate myself for the excuses I tried to make and I feel so awful and I want to end it all. I can't even stand to see my mom. I hate how loving she is to me because of how awful of a daughter I am.

There are various things I want to confess:
1. I looked for sexual Anime scenes. Like no hentai or real rough sex scenes but rather like implications/ or some small insight. Examples are Babylon, Banana Fish (ehem Barbara), Mushokun Tensei, Domestic Girlfriend, and Neon Genesis Evangelion The end. I feel so ashamed and disgusting for that now. I didn't even watch the first two Anime, I just searched on youtube for sexual scenes and watched them. Not once, I did it a few times. It was to feed my sexual fantasies I had with older fictional characters. I even sometimes felt aroused but I never masturbated or felt any sexual desire from it. Or by another show there were two adults kissing intensely and somehow I wished they would have sex and?? What the heck is wrong with me. I feel so ashamed and disgusting for that now. If my mom was ever to find it out she would be horrified.

2. I watched a show called Black Bullet and there was a 10 year old girl who had a sleep over by the protagonist. She woke up without wearing any pants (the protagonist didn't do anything to her) and I was so weirded out but I somehow replayed that scene right afterwards?? And I feel so oh my god disgusting and horrible now and I'm scared that it means that I'm a pedophile. Or by another scene the female protagonist (16 y) was groped by another 10 year old girl and the protagonist blushed and moaned and it somehow aroused me?? I hate myself.

3.My sister had two Mangas where there were like sex scenes and sometimes, when she wasn't at home, I secretly read the NSFW scenes to find out what people actually find great about sex. I generally have a big curiosity regarding sex since I don't understand what people find so fascinating about it. But once I put those away I always felt so disgusting and I even once panicked that someone might found out about what I did.

4. When I was 11-13 I "sexted"? Not sure if it was really sexting but it was well I thought of it as a joke and my texts got a little too far... and now I feel ashamed of that too. And also guilty. Likw why did I do that??

5. I think this is the worst. I was watching a show once (animated) and there was once ch*ldpo*no involved. No sexual scene or naked bodies though and you could just see legs nothing more. And I was generally rewatching the whole show. But once I got to this scene my mind was like "watch it" (I always skipped that part or covered my screen) but this time I watched and I felt so immensy disgusted and horrified and immediately covered my screen and also whispered "DISGUSTING DISGUSTING". Or I was making an edit about another show and there was a scene where a guy r*ped a girl (14) but there was no sexual scenes just them fighting and I tried to find that scene on yt (I don't even know why the heck I tried to find it) but luckily I didn't. And again, I feel so ashamed and disgusted of myself. But at the same time I think I don't genuinely wanted to see it since if I would have, I could have just easily rewatched that scene on a site but I didn't. And even if I would have seen it, I would have been REALLY REALLY DISGUSTED. But still I feel so ashamed. I don't and would never condone/like rape! Never! But because of those two things I actually tried to kill myself thrice.

6. I was actually writing a story and there many triggering topics were included. In one scene the protagonist had to seduce a guy (who sexually abused him)in order to kill him and I wrote it so intensely that I felt a clutch in my stomache and I think I got aroused?? And wah it's disgusting! F*cking disgusting! And I also felt so uncomfortable rereading that scene to the poing where I deleted it. I didn't write it because I thought of it as "sexy" but because I wanted to show how awful that is but still ah I want to kill myself alone for that.

I feel so disgusted because of that. The worst thing is because of my shame and disgust due to them I started getting intrusive thoughts about sexual things even including children and harming people.

But now my 7th point comes

7. Since some weeks I have POCD or rather I'm scared to be a pedophile. And oh gosh it got to the point where I started to feel bad for pedophiles who hate themselves for their attraction and me constantly checking how old someone is and even thinking "this person is just 3 years younger than me so if I have any sexual thought about them it wouldn't be pedophilia" and now I don't even know if I'm scared to be a pedophile because of how unhuman and disgusting it is or because of how hated they are. BUT I STILL THINK IT'S DISGUSTING

I seriously consider killing myself. I can't stand seeing my family or my friends. And even now I got an intrusive sexual thought about my little sister and I feel so horrific and disgusting. How could I ever live with this guilt and those thoughts?? I need help...

I've merged your new topic with the existing one. No, I'm not a professional (nor could I respond as one, if I were) but your latest seems so very OCD. Have you spoken to a therapist about this? I really think you need to- you're tearing yourself up over this.

I'm sorry I haven't responded much to your thread- what I do urge you to do is to read other POCD posts and some of my replies to those- in particular, search for 'defer anxiety' (if the system won't let you do that, go to Google and search 'defer anxiety snaga site:psychforums.com') .

You're only 16. Your brain isn't even done developing- don't be so harsh on yourself, it's unwarranted. Very unwarranted. You do not at all seem like a pedophile in the making- you sound like a young person interested in sex- which is kinda what teenagers do. You need to try to stop treating yourself as if you were an adult. Even if you were an adult, you're still so hard on yourself. You know right from wrong, you haven't given the least indication to me that you're uncontrollably attracted to young children.

Please consider talking to someone about this, if you haven't- preferably someone familiar with OCD and anxiety.

Snaga wrote:I've merged your new topic with the existing one. No, I'm not a professional (nor could I respond as one, if I were) but your latest seems so very OCD. Have you spoken to a therapist about this? I really think you need to- you're tearing yourself up over this.

I'm sorry I haven't responded much to your thread- what I do urge you to do is to read other POCD posts and some of my replies to those- in particular, search for 'defer anxiety' (if the system won't let you do that, go to Google and search 'defer anxiety snaga site:psychforums.com') .

You're only 16. Your brain isn't even done developing- don't be so harsh on yourself, it's unwarranted. Very unwarranted. You do not at all seem like a pedophile in the making- you sound like a young person interested in sex- which is kinda what teenagers do. You need to try to stop treating yourself as if you were an adult. Even if you were an adult, you're still so hard on yourself. You know right from wrong, you haven't given the least indication to me that you're uncontrollably attracted to young children.

Please consider talking to someone about this, if you haven't- preferably someone familiar with OCD and anxiety.

I will soon have a visit by my therapist but I'm so terrified to talk about the well r*pe scenes. I don't mind the rest but exactly this one gives me so much fright, no wonder I tried to choke myself because of this. And I'm also scared that it might mean that I've watched ch*ldp*orn* even though I never never wanted to and this makes me want to throw up so much more. Even thinking about it makes me like cringe my face.

RockWithYou wrote: I'm also scared that it might mean that I've watched ch*ldp*orn*

Wouldn't you know if you'd watched CP?

Just as I have to occasionally remind myself I'd know if I run over someone in my car, I think you need to remind yourself if you'd watched CP- not hentai, not yaoi, not manga- CP, that you'd know it.

Snaga wrote:

RockWithYou wrote: I'm also scared that it might mean that I've watched ch*ldp*orn*

Wouldn't you know if you'd watched CP?

Just as I have to occasionally remind myself I'd know if I run over someone in my car, I think you need to remind yourself if you'd watched CP- not hentai, not yaoi, not manga- CP, that you'd know it.

Ah no what I meant is if me, having watched that scene in Banana Fish where the young boy got raped, means that I've watch CP in some sort. But I know that I have never looked up CP videos or watched them!

RockWithYou wrote:Ah no what I meant is if me, having watched that scene in Banana Fish where the young boy got raped, means that I've watch CP in some sort. But I know that I have never looked up CP videos or watched them!

Well, if you want to punish yourself and call a scene from Banana Fish outright CP, knock yourself out, but I beg to differ. It's Yaoi. For the Shōjo manga market. Of which you're the main demographic.

It's a very fuzzy, grey area. The best advice I have is if it makes you uncomfortable, don't look at it. Having done so, understand that it doesn't equate being a pedo, and let it go and stop obsessing over it. If I looked at that scene in Banana Fish, I might question the morality of watching it, or even the legality, depending on how graphic the content is, but the mere act of watching one scene inside a larger story doesn't make a person a pedo. Because such things as Yaoi are legally hazy where I live, and they might tickle my own OCD, I choose to avoid anything too graphic involving minors in manga/anime. If I come across something that makes me uneasy, I pass it by.

And remind yourself that things like Banana Fish (at least, judging from the description of the original manga serialised fiction that was revived with an animated serial) appeal to you because they were designed to- Banana Fish was originally meant to be Shōjo. And as is often, was written by a woman:


for girls and you're a girl.

Please stop worrying you're something terrible because of that. If you're worried whether something is CP, then don't watch it any more. But don't obsess over what's done.