POCD or denial? Am I A Monster

Hello, me again, this will probably be my last post on this topic for a while. I’ve decided I’m going to try to talk to an OCD specialist and see if I can get a diagnosis, as I believe I have other symptoms (including harm, contamination, hoarding. continuous unnecessary checking, took me a long time to leave the house due to lack of certainty), so hopefully I can start to recover. However, this obsession is by far the worst, it’s not only causing compulsions and doubt, but now I’m really suffering with depression, sometimes I just sit and cry (and other stuff I won’t mention here) because it feels so real and I think about it all day, which is very unhealthy. So I need to talk to someone, just to move on with my life, and be the best person I can be. I’m really hoping I just have POCD, but again, it’s the groinal that concerns me, I get so worried about it. All I can say is, I just want the best version of myself, and whatever the result is, I have to accept it and live the best life I can. Whatever I’m attracted to, whoever I’m attracted to, is out of my control, but, it doesn’t define me, I know my character, I know I’m a good person, I’m not a monster. The worst result would be, I would never find a man to be with, but it’s okay, because I’ve battled so many different anxieties, depression, disability and thoughts and I’m still here today. I have friends, a family who loves me, interests and so much to look forward to, so I’ll focus on being me. I’m looking forward to recovery and I hope whatever happens, hope it all goes for me in the future. Just want to thank Snaga for being someone I can talk to, I really appreciate it, and hope I will be able to overcome my OCD in the best way possible.

Hoping all the best for you