POCD has plagued me for a decade

My POCD stems from a false memory I (25, F) got at the age of 16 and has been stuck with me ever since.

The problem with this false memory is that I honestly can't say for sure whether it happened or not. If you've had a false memory you know how it is; they feel very real. And the advice is to accept that it potentially did happen, but that just seems unthinkable when you have POCD.

The memory is as follows: I looked after my younger brother a lot growing up. There's a 7 year age difference between us. Would sometimes have to get him ready for school or put him to bed, and would have to babysit if my mum went out somewhere.

For this particular memory my mum had gone out with her sisters. I was 15 (small chance I could have been16) my younger brother would have been 8. He slept in my mums room (there was overcrowding in the house) in his own bed, where there was a small gap between my mums bed.

In the memory he was sleeping in his bed, I was in my mum's bed (you had to stay in the room with him so he'd fall asleep).

And the thing that has been bothering me all these years is that I possibly masturbated under the covers whilst in my mums bed. Not [i]to[i/] him, or with lots of noise or anything like that.

Reasons why I don't think it happened is that

1) I'm a naturally anxious person and have always had issues with anxiety. Months/ weeks before the false memory happened I was obsessing over chicken and salmonella. And after I got the false memory my OCD spiralled INTO POCD, HOCD and COCD.

2) Why would I get the memory randomly when I was 16 and not have thought about it around the time it actually happened? There were other events that gave me a lot of anxiety around that time that I still vividly remember now. This other memory has always been very fuzzy

3) Why would I randomly do it once? I looked after my younger brother lots and that's the only problem moment I can recall.

But I remember the memory feeling very real. Age 15 was when I discovered masturbation and I would do it quite a bit. But I honestly can't say whether the event did or didn't happen and I can't rule out either side.

I can't even remember the actual memory at this age, just what it's about. I can hardly remember anything about that time period at all.

It upsets me because I do love my brother very much and if this were true it would feel like I violated him in some way, and he has a lot of difficulties as is.

I just don't know what to do. Anything about pedophiles, or child abuse triggers me and brings me back to this seemingly eternal dilemma.

hello, and welcome!

Wandering785 wrote: If you've had a false memory you know how it is; they feel very real. And the advice is to accept that it potentially did happen, but that just seems unthinkable when you have POCD.

I think trying to convince yourself it's a false memory, whether it is or not, is not as productive as putting it, false or not, into perspective. Kids do stuff like that. When I was 15 I could be having an overnight at a friend's house and I might very well have quietly masturbated if I think they're not awake or paying attention. Teenagers are little horndogs. All those shiny new hormones+brain that's not finished getting wired=poor judgement.

real or not, nothing was done maliciously, or exposed, just quietly and covertly. I'm willing to bet many, many many teenagers have done something like that. And they grow out of it- just a year later you were like OMG what? Because you grew out of it.

I think taking the attitude that you were just a kid and putting it down to that, and making the decision to no longer care about it, would be far healthier than coming up with arguments for or against it being a false memory. This isn't as if you sexually assaulted anyone. No one was harmed.

Just wanted to say thank you for the response and it did calm my nerves when reading it. The thought continues to bother me however. After some deliberating I've realised that my anxiety is more of a chemical issue than anything and I need medication to not obsess and worry over things in the way that I do, even if I consciously know they're not a big deal or that it's not that important. But thank you again.

Well you're welcome!

Wandering785 wrote:After some deliberating I've realised that my anxiety is more of a chemical issue than anything and I need medication to not obsess and worry over things in the way that I do, even if I consciously know they're not a big deal or that it's not that important. But thank you again.

I don't know meds completely do away with OCD, but your mileage may vary. I know they can take the edge off it. I was taking escitalopram for general anxiety for a while, and while I wasn't taking it for OCD, it did seem as if I was a bit better in that regard while I was on it- I was less apt to want to act out compulsions, I think. I'm off it (decided to quit) and yeah it's creeping back some I think. Still, it sure can help. I stopped because I felt I didn't need it any longer for my other anxiety issues. And my mileage may vary