I can’t keep going on like this HOCD

I’m so mentally exhausted by this now I can’t even feel anxiety. I keep getting the quick ejaculation from triggering images I’ll get a feeling in my mouth looking at porn to a bj scene and it gets me to the point of ejaculation faster. I tested myself a couple days ago and looked at trans porn and tried to masturbate I didn’t get an erection from it but once the bj was on I got the feeling in my mouth and a feeling in my penis and it brought me to ejaculation even though I wasn’t hard?
Why does this happen I don’t like the thoughts or images I don’t want to do them it makes me distressed but yet I can ejaculate to them? I havnt been able to see my therapist in a few months I can’t talk to anyone about any of this I was really thinking of committing suicide a few weeks ago because I can’t take this anymore. I just want it to all stop. I don’t even know if this is ocd anymore how can you ejaculate so fast from something you don’t like supposedly?

Well it seems to me you have GOT to quit checking. Any way possible.

If Pavlov could make a critter salivate at the ringing of a bell, through conditioning, what do folks think could happen if they make themselves look at porn that triggers them, over and over, while masturbating, with the expected (feared) result they will orgasm? I don't know if there's an answer to that- there probably is but I'm not sure how to find it, but I'm going to hazard a guess that a person is going to have that orgasm regardless, maybe even especially so, if their body starts to associate triggering porn with physical pleasure- because masturbation is masturbation is masturbation and it seems to me if someone does it for long enough and enough times, eventually it'll get Pavlovian.

Checking is BAD. Why don't you not worry about what you orgasm to, until you find yourself looking at that kind of porn because you want to- not because you feel as if you must; not because you want to check. Because you want to.

When you find that gay/trans stuff is the only thing you want to look at, then worry about it if you want to worry- but not before. And I'd argue, you shouldn't worry about it even then.

I'm Bi. my body wants what it wants, and for someone that's really Not Straight, I think no matter how much angst you have, you're going to feel that tug, that draw, it's a moth to a flame. If you don't feel that tug, that draw, that need for it, then you really need to not check, not look at stuff that is triggering, and not worry about it.

I understand what you mean about Pavlovs dog thing I discussed the same thing with my therapist and he said the exact same thing about conditioning and that I have done that to myself.

I keep testing to understand what it is and I try to replicate it by thinking of anything from harm to some other distressing things to see if it will be the same with the ejaculation but it’s not or it feels more forced? If it’s just conditioning why can’t I make it happen with another thought?

I’m not attracted to men or trans people it bothers me so much that this happens I don’t want to give a bj I’d rather die I’m disgusted and distressed and hate myself and this ocd so much. I can’t stop myself from testing because I feel if I don’t I’m only denying something and then I get the urge to test and I give in to it.

Also at time and I seen people talk about it before it feels as if I like it or I want it the images or thoughts? Why does this happen?

I’m sorry for all this but I have nobody to talk to I’m really at my wits end I’m crippled mentally with this Im not even able to function properly in life because of this

-- Tue Aug 30, 2022 5:08 pm --

I understand what you mean about Pavlovs dog thing I discussed the same thing with my therapist and he said the exact same thing about conditioning and that I have done that to myself.

I keep testing to understand what it is and I try to replicate it by thinking of anything from harm to some other distressing things to see if it will be the same with the ejaculation but it’s not or it feels more forced? If it’s just conditioning why can’t I make it happen with another thought?

I’m not attracted to men or trans people it bothers me so much that this happens I don’t want to give a bj I’d rather die I’m disgusted and distressed and hate myself and this ocd so much. I can’t stop myself from testing because I feel if I don’t I’m only denying something and then I get the urge to test and I give in to it.

Also at time and I seen people talk about it before it feels as if I like it or I want it the images or thoughts? Why does this happen?

I’m sorry for all this but I have nobody to talk to I’m really at my wits end I’m crippled mentally with this Im not even able to function properly in life because of this

Well, you gonna have to stop testing. And the only way to do that, is to do it. It ain't easy, not giving in to a compulsion. Like a muscle, have to use it to build it up.

Thanks for the reply

What if I am in denial or have internalized homophobia though? That’s what I’m afraid the I’m suppressing it all and sometimes my mind tells me I am and that if I let myself go I will enjoy it? But I’m terrified of doing anything like that or liking it it’s my worst nightmare.

The thing that bothers me the most is the ejaculation like I can watch a bj scene get the feeling in my mouth masturbate while I’m flaccid and get myself to ejaculation really quick and I wouldn’t even be hard? Like how is that possible is it groinals? Also it feels like at times for a second or two I’m enjoying the thought or scene and want it and that stresses me out?

I’m just tired of this Iv had this theme for so many years nearly half my life and that scares me because why would it last this long?

Snaga wrote:Well, you gonna have to stop testing. And the only way to do that, is to do it. It ain't easy, not giving in to a compulsion. Like a muscle, have to use it to build it up.

Any chance you could reply to my last post or have a look and see what you think really need someone to talk to about all this

All I can say is if you really wanted that kind of sex, you'd yearn for it, whether you wanted to yearn for it, or not. If you don't, then don't worry about it and stop checking. If you do, then you do, and worrying does no good. Don't check. Don't look at anything you're not wanting to look at. Don't masturbate to anything you don't want to masturbate to.