Struggling with OCD and Rumination

I have memories but they are very hard to ignore. temptation looms over my head every single day. wish it would just stop and be resolved. told myself not to look back. and here i am. i hate it. and i can't ignore it.

I'm not exactly sure what you are saying here. You have memories of OCD and rumination as if you have conquered it but now you sense it coming back when you look at the memories of your behavior? When you say temptation are you talking about compulsive behaviors?

Yes. when i feel like i conquered a disturbing memory by going back i can relax. but it never is permanently fixed. i always have to go back and "fix" it over and over and over. and going back and analyzing the memory hurts me even more. but ignoring it is so hard. it's like i can't be at peace until i go back.

The memory of something that occurred in real life? Generally speaking, we cannot go back and fix a memory, as such, once it has happened. We can add amendments or in some way address things but we cannot alter what happened.

Are you comfortable enough to share a "for-instance" or give a hypothetical?

The Mandela effect alters your memories. you can see this in movies/tv shows where you have remembered something only to find out it wasn't at all how you remember when you rewatch shows.

The details in my memories are very painful but i know that they can't be THAT painful from what i remember. so i have to recreate what i believe happened in order to gain a better understanding of what most likely happened. if i don't i am in hell.

So you don't believe there are cognitive issues related to some neurological (physical) damage going on here, just an obsessive relationship with getting the memory as close to what really happened, in a narrative sense?

Yes. it's foolish because no matter how hard i try, how close i get. i still will never know the full truth. yet i still try to. cause it's uncomfortable not to go back.

It's my understanding memory can be VERY plastic. If a person's trying to remember something perfectly, I'd say that's a lost cause. At some point, I think you need to let this go.

i wish i could. i want to. i try to distract myself with work and life but sometimes it's not enough. sometimes i wish i could have the memories deleted. then i won't have constant temptation to go back. when there isn't rumination there's always temptation. and temptation never ever stops.