POCD melt down

I'm 22 with adhd I used to watch a lot of hentai and included in that was loli hentai. I didnt really think much of it because i thought of them as just drawings and not real until i masturbated to 3d modeled loli hentai which had disgusted me afterwards. Ita undoubtly the biggest regret of my life. After that i began to question my interst in loli hentai and considerdd stopping but decided to just stay way from the more realistic stuff. I've since stopped but now i cant shake the fear that i might have POCD or worse. I've never desired to harm children but im scared of my own thoughts I feel like I cant trust my mind. i cant even watch porn anymore because Im scared. I just graduated art school and I feel like I didnt think about all this that much because I was always busy working but now that I'm back home and alone with my thoughts its all I can think about . I feel like I've failed as a himan being like i'm unworthy of love. I feel like cant even draw anymore which is all i've ever wanted to do. And the worst part is that I feel like I cant talk to anyone due to the subject matter. my friends are very moral people and I feel like theyd be disgusted with me not to mention my catholic family that condems the idea of porn. I just dont know how ro move foreward or who to turn to. I just want to feel normal again.

Hello and welcome!

Fpfp wrote:3d modeled loli hentai

Which are just better drawings.

Fpfp wrote: I've never desired to harm children

Which are not Loli drawings.

Have you had a history of obsessive thoughts before now? Or anxiety issues?

Try not to overthink this. Placing the morality (I am neutral on it) of Loli aside, they're not kids, and you don't seem to have a thing for kids- this seems like an unreasonable fear. Intrusive thoughts of being or doing something do not make up you- what you do does. And you don't go for kiddos. Which are not Loli.

Hi snaga i guess I was freaking out because they looked too realistic and it scared me. I know theyre not real but I just wish I'd never done it because I know that no rational person would want a relationship with someone who did that. I guess i have a habit of obbsesing over past actions and regret though i was only diagnosed with adhd.

I hadn't thought what a significant other would think about Loli. The past is the past and no one has to know. The present is... to be honest I wouldn't want to get caught looking at anything.

Loli is problematical and for my own peace of mind I don't dabble much in it. I'm pretty good with pedophile related OCD fears and would like to keep it that way. From a detached point of view I'm agnostic on the subject and would like to see some serious peer-reviewed receipts that it's anything other than self-infantalisation of some sort- fantasy characters in a fantasy world that do not predict real-world desires or behaviors.

I tried to post a reply earlier but idk what went through. anyway I apreciate your advice snaga I think what stick with me is that even if none has to know I'll always know. I'll never be able to share with anyone what really depresses me out of fear of losing them. And it'll always eat me up how I'll never be as good a person as people think I am, or as I want to be because I already messed up. which isnt to say I'll ever go back. And I know I'm not supposed to obsess but I always circle back to the 3d porn trying to remeber why i did it, wishing I could take it back.

But it's not even real- it's pretend porn. You didn't harm anyone, and you shouldn't feel as if you rate eternal self-flagellation and mental torture.

Im sorry snaga but i have to get this off my chest. I called what I saw 3d loli hentai because it was somehow easier for me to accept. if i were being honest with myself what i saw looked more like computer generated CP. I saw it 2 years ago while I was already masturbating to cartoon characters from when I was a kid on a site called *mod edit* when I saw it I had already been masturbating and if I had just stopped and closed the tab I wouldnt have sold my moral integrity just to scratch an itch. Im sorry if my choice of wording was dishonest I just didn't wanna accept that i might be a bad person and youve been so kind thus far despite the subject matter.

You dont have to post this message but I was also wondering if we could discuss the last one I sent via pm?

Well, I'm more inclined to think it was 3D loli hentai. I doubt you were being terribly dishonest. Remember your mind is going to inflate your fears.

You don't as yet have PM privileges because of the way the system works, by the way.

Do you think i have to give up anime and cartoons altogether? They all inspired me to pursue art but it also lead to all this. In a best case scenario i'd be working towards the animation industry right now. but all this loli stuff has me too anxious to even watch a cartoon or anime let alone draw.