(How to deal with) childhood evidence/proof

I‘m 18 and now suffering about 4 months from HOCD and it comes in waves. 1 week it‘s really bad, almost can‘t stop analyzing everything and constantly anxious. The next one I can really laugh at all that HOCD stuff and I‘m confident about loving girls and I get turned on by them like before HOCD.

Now what is stopping me from recovery are my childhood memories. Every time HOCD comes back I try to fight it by avoiding doing compulsions and not analyzing but some childhood memories, where for example At the age of 7, and yes I know it sounds extremely weird, a classmate got a new toy that was vibrating and I asked him if he putted it to his dick, I think I was „aroused“ by that thought, I was looking at men in underwear (which I was turned on by then? or just was curios?) or masturbating to solo jerking off videos one time when I was young (12), are producing extreme anxiety and distress and also are kind of a prove that I must be gay… I‘m not 100% sure what I felt back then, but somehow I’m quite sure about them maybe also that makes that memories hitting so hard…

It feels like before puberty I was gay, in puberty straight then and now it‘s turned in a sort of Bi-OCD because I once (and also now but reduced during HOCD) was attracted to girls…

So my biggest problem is how to deal with that memories?

Sorry for my English, I‘m from Austria…

How about, 'before puberty you were just seeing what you were'? I would think most kids get a little experimental with a lot of things until they settle down into gay or straight.

Snaga wrote:How about, 'before puberty you were just seeing what you were'? I would think most kids get a little experimental with a lot of things until they settle down into gay or straight.

What do you mean by before puberty you were just seeing what you were'? That I‘m gay or what?
But in puberty I never experienced these urges/things. Also, never in my life I was attracted to a man/wanted to kiss him etc. (before OCD). I just liked girls in childhood, had crushes on them, fantasized about them but never about men.

Hmmm. Nothing can twist a statement like OCD. Just that it is probably pretty normal for adolescents to be trying on a lot of sexual clothes to see what fits, so to speak. All these shiny new hormones, and don't know what to do with them at first.

No, I meant rather the opposite of saying you were gay.

Snaga wrote:Hmmm. Nothing can twist a statement like OCD. Just that it is probably pretty normal for adolescents to be trying on a lot of sexual clothes to see what fits, so to speak. All these shiny new hormones, and don't know what to do with them at first.

No, I meant rather the opposite of saying you were gay.

Oh, okay now I get it. I remember also well when I was about 10 me and a friend read a book about sexual things. There was a passage where it said something like„when the penis gets aroused more and more there happens ejaculation“. I remember being turned on by that thought and even masturbating to it later. This is the thought that by far is producing the most anxiety and is like a 100% proof that I‘m gay because why should I have enjoyed it when I‘m straight, I thought when someone is gay/straight/bi it‘s locked in from birth. But also back then I never wanted to do something sexual with a man in real life/never imagined men in a sexual way…