Hocd and lesbian porn

Hi All!

I’m a women, 27 years old in a long term relationship with a man since 2 years. I always considered as straight. The thing is, I did things that straight people are not supposed to do: watching porn. I have watched only Lesbian porn and by the porn I imagined that I am one of these 2 women and I do it with the another woman. I always imagined that it was my first time and I didn’t want to do it, but she forced me a bit. I think what I liked in the porn it’s that it was more kincky for me, something taboo and forbidden cuz I never watched solo women or photos from naked women. I just never thought more about it. For me it was just porn and fantasies and had nothing to do with me being possibly gay. I was never attracted to women in real life and thinking about being with woman just makes me sad and sick.

So the thing is, i was always attracted to men and i love my boyfriend, but I never orgasm during sex with men, only sometimes by oral sex but I have to fantasize during this, not about women but I imagine also in my head that my boyfriend or another man go down on me.

I never had a crush on a women or wanted a relationship, and now I wonder if I’m really just straight and aroused by porn or if I experience internalised homophobia and just CANT except that I’m actually a lesbian. I think I have nothing against gay people. I always had gay and lesbian friends. I also talk open about it all with my mother and friends and my boyfriend so I am not ashamed. I just don’t like the idea being with a woman or having sex with one in real life.

Last time I also was with friends and one girl had swim wear and she had good body and she was almost naked and I had to look all the time. It felt so real like real attraction. Sometimes the feelings are so real I just don’t like them. But sometimes I am scared it’s like for people in denial cuz they have real feelings too they just hate themselves for that and try not to act on these feelings. And it seems like my feelings are real and I just hate them.

I don’t know. Sometimes it feels like it’s not only ocd, I just want that it’s only ocd. It feels like I try to force everything cuz I want to be attracted to men but I am not.

I feel so alone . I am the only one with this experience. I am confused and I just don't know what to do...

Thank you for your help!

Hello and welcome!

First off, do you have a history of OCD in other aspects of your life and not just this about the sexuality?

Another observation I have is that you're probably far from the only woman to only experience an orgasm with more direct stimulation, such as oral sex. Has been my understanding it's not at all uncommon for a woman to not achieve orgasm via coitus. Honestly I don't know how my own partner is on that, as we always had plenty of play leading up to the penultimate act, so to speak- but it's my understanding intercourse alone is often not sufficient.

You're not the only person who finds kink- as in looking at porn that's not in line with how you identify- stimulating. I've heard of straight men looking at gay porn; supposedly the largest audience for transgender-women porn identifies as straight males- not sure I understand that myself, but that's what I hear. So that alone wouldn't make you definitely lesbian or bisexual.

For me it's the 'want to'. You really 'want to' be with a girl, seems to me you'd know it. For me, being bisexual, the idea of not being with the same sex is more likely to make me sad, than the idea of doing so. Whereas with HOCD it seems as if the idea of doing something with the same sex is just horrifying.