POCD caused by hentai?

Hello, I’m 22F and until I was about 19 I would occasionally watch and read loli. I never thought anything of it because I have never been attracted to children. I don’t think I ever even properly thought about what it actually was, until the last times because I would occasionally have intrusive thoughts about the police coming to get me and silly things like that. But for some reason I was just never bothered by the fact that I would consume these things. One day I googled what it actually was to have a definitive answer because I wasn’t sure if it was actually supposed to be cp, and turns out Google said it was drawings of underage girls. After that I stopped, for some reason I was still drawn to it for a while but I knew it was disgusting and wrong so I stopped and never really struggled at all with ever wanting to watch or read anything of that nature. I literally never thought about it until a year later when I was 20 and I was drinking at my girlfriends house with some friends and I suddenly got this thought that was like ‘that was cp’. I knew in my brain at that point that this wasn’t something I’d be able to shake because I know my brain very well. I’ve always had anxiety and mental health struggles and since that day I have thought about this every single day for nearly two years now. It has pretty much ruined my life. I’ve opened up to a couple of my friends and my girlfriend about this and they have always reassured me that there is nothing wrong with me and I haven’t done anything bad. I’m also in therapy for this and on sertraline and both have helped me cope but I am having a particularly bad day today and it’s hard to not drown in these horrible thoughts of just pretty much wanting to die and feeling unlovable and disgusting that I would ever do anything like this. Every day I’m surprised my friends are still around and my girlfriend who I’ve talked to about this in great detail still loves me. It feels like this massive secret and that if anyone was to find out my family would hate me and abandon me and my brain tells me that’s what I deserve. I have been looking on forums like quora today about loli and the people that seem to be saying that people who like this kind of stuff aren’t pedophiles are into loli themselves. I’m not into loli, it makes me feel disgusting when I come across it now and I would never dream of seeking it out again. But my groinal reactions and intrusive thoughts when I’m having a bad day convince me that I am attracted to children. Because it makes sense right? That’s what my anxiety tells me anyway. When I’m fully grounded and feeling good I know deep down that there is nothing wrong with me but this obsessive thought always comes back. One thing that made me feel better a few weeks ago was that pedophiles would watch loli to suppress urges to harm children, which I have never done or experienced urges to. But today I just feel very and and my brain always comes back to this when I’m feeling anything but good. I just want someone’s opinion. Thankyou for reading

So I wrote this post and panicked then deleted my account and since then through reading about ocd I’ve realised the part of me consuming this when I was older could have been a false memory. I had a kind of eureka moment especially since realising I actually do have OCD. The reason being is that I cannot at all remember any of the content from when I was supposedly 19. I remember the few times I consumed it when I was a young teenager and didn’t know better but I do not recall any of it from the point where my anxiety comes from. In fact I actually remember actively avoiding it at that point, because I knew what it was actually supposed to be. Is it possible that all this mental turmoil I’ve faced from convincing myself I watched it when I knew they were supposed to be children was a false memory?
Now I’ve kind of come to this conclusion this post causes me a crazy amount of anxiety because I don’t think it was even real?

Welcome back to the forums!

Well, OCD will do that to a person so that they up is down, down is up, and straight is sideways.

If it's a false memory then try not to worry about it- it's false, end of story Not the first person to have thought and rethought themselves into something, and you won't be the last, I assure you.

Snaga wrote:Welcome back to the forums!

Well, OCD will do that to a person so that they up is down, down is up, and straight is sideways.

If it's a false memory then try not to worry about it- it's false, end of story Not the first person to have thought and rethought themselves into something, and you won't be the last, I assure you.

Hi thankyou for your reply!
I just worry now that this post is up I could get into some kind of trouble and now my ocd has leaned away from this pocd business and leaned more into anxiety of being arrested or getting into trouble all because of one post on a forum it’s so silly, especially now I’m of the opinion it didn’t even happen
I don’t even know if that kind of thing would be possible but ocd convinces me of wild things! I used to be convinced I was a p but now it has hyper fixated on this one post for months which sounds insane when I type it out. Convinced the police are going to knock on my door because of an anonymous post that I’ve realised was a false memory lol.
Appreciate the response

I'm pretty sure the police have better things to do than track people in an OCD forum. I've not had anyone knock on my door.