POCD agonizing over something I did in my past

I know this is a compulsion and I'm really not supposed to do this. But I'm having a really rough time lately and I really need support. I'm not able to see my therapist at the moment so I need to vent. Please do not judge me for this, I am new and have never in my life viewed or actively seeked out illegal material.

I am a 29 year old bisexual female. I have always been into men and women older than me, I've never even dated or hooked up with anyone younger than me or my own age, so as I'm typing this I find it crazy that I even worry about being a "p". When I was 19, I typed something into Google out of pure curiosity just to see if it even existed on the surface web. It was something along the lines of "14 yr old v" or something, I'm freaking out as I type this because this is SO MESSED UP and I can't believe I ever did this. I don't know why I did it. I didn't see anything and exited out of the window IMMEDIATELY. I never did anything like that again and have never even had the desire to. Ever since then, I have been digging in my memory trying to figure out WHY I did this and worrying that I am secretly a "p". I am actually terrified of ever coming across that type of content, it's a major fear of mine. I just need to confess this, am I a bad person?? I've felt like a horrible person who doesn't deserve to be happy because of this for years. I have been struggling on and off with POCD since 2018 and it's the scariest thing I've ever been through.

another confession; when I was around 23, I came across a hentai of a college student and teacher that I got off to. the girl in it was 18, but was drawn as a chibi character, and I feel horrendous and sick that I masturbated to it. I was already in an aroused state and it came up in my recommendations on p-hub. I think I was inserting myself as the girl character because I have a "submissive" and size difference fetish. I didn't seek it out and I didn't watch anything like that again. She was not supposed to be a child, but i feel disgusting though that I did this.

I keep reviewing these things over and over in my mind and have for years. I constantly police myself to not look at or think about children, even though i still have intrusive thoughts that make me sick to my stomach. I feel so sick when i think about these things I've done and feel like it's this ugly stain on my soul. I really need support right now.

Hello and welcome! I think in this forum (and the Remorse forum) you'll find stories similar to yours, so you're not alone. I also would say that from the outside, it's not the terrible stain on your soul that it feels like. It's not as if you seem to have a long history of this- indeed, if this was a paraphilia, I doubt you'd be posting here about it the way you are.

But no one can convince you of that- you have to convince yourself. OCD style thought patters make us blow things up so big in our minds that it's all we see.