Worst depression, suicidal thoughts can anyone help ?

Hi, I’ve been posting so mamy posts which I hate to do but I have the worst depression of my life! I don’t eat, I don’t go outside nothing. I have really bad thoughts, I imagine myself in my sexual fantasy with a Girl and feel attraction and desire and arousal, then this thought is pushed to the side and I get intrusive thought about someone I have false attraction to but at the same time that person in my mind is smiling so this causes me to have postitive feelings just because that person is smiling, so I compare this feelings and I know I have Real arousal/attraction to my sexual fantasy but then I look at the intrusive thought and Feel this false attraction which feels Real because of the likeable physical feeling it gives me, like it doesn’t match the thought and it feels really scary, I was crying and shaking the whole day and I can’t figure out whats what, I have really bad depression lowest of the low.


can anyone help me Please ? I’m seeing therapist tommorow.