HARM-O, Suicidal OCD < (that's even hard to write) **TW**

**trigger warning**

Hey guys, I'm very new to these forums. Way back when, I was a member at *mod edit* because of my 2nd round of intrusive thoughts. So, NOT to get into the weeds, my first episode, was back in 1990, I was a Junior in high school. I specifically remember watching Oprah with my mom and the topic of being "gay" was introduced. I started to ruminate on the topic and before I knew it, I was in Worried Mode x 1,000,000. I knew I liked girls, had no doubt, but it haunted me, "what if I was gay?". I made me so worried and eventually depressed, I even had random thoughts of suicide, even though I didn't want to die < (boy that is hard to write). The thoughts eventually left that next summer before my Senior year and never came back. Fast forward to 2009, I switched jobs, started my own advertising business, BUT, before that , in 2008 1/2 I had a mild heart attack, right out of the blue. I smoke and drank a lot. THAT made me start to worry about my health. So fast forward to fall of 2010. I started worrying about my heart, went to the ER twice, (everything checked out fine of course), but I remember coming home at like 4:00am from the ER and having my first panic attack. That started the beginning of the process. I was constantly checking my pulse on my neck, feeling my heart, wondering if I had ulcers, checking my stools for signs, etc, etc. I've never had anxiety like this before, until one day, my wife is cutting bread and I see her doing it and then I had that "vision" of cutting her with it. My stomach dropped through the floor. THAT started a barrage of Intrusive Thoughts and anxiety (mind you I had NO IDEA what Intrusive Thoughts were, NOR any idea that I had OCD/Anxiety/GAD). My thoughts generated so much rumination, worry, anxiety, thoughts I could hurt my dog while I was brushing him, the fear that my wife left to go out of town and I would kill my kids, then Intrusive Thoughts of me hanging myself. EVERYTHING would be setting me off at this point. Sirens, cloudy days, you name it. I got to the point (when I still didn't know what this was) that I felt God made me to be a murderer. I was devastated, because as a Christian and Christ follower, if God made me this way, how could I win? I begged and prayed that I didn't want to be murderer. I even go to the point that I wanted to take an extra sleeping pill in hopes that I wouldn't wake up to this again in the morning. Mind you, right before bed was the best time, because I knew my mind would shut off. But once morning came and the alarm went off, pure dread, another day of these awful thoughts. But eventually, it got better, I stopped my business, which was only doing ok, and went back to work for an agency. In the middle there, I found *mod edit*. THAT was HUGE for me. Other people with the EXACT same story as me. That was ahuge turning point. SO, fast forward to this past summer of 2021. Again, I thought something was wrong with my heart, went to the hospital, everything came back fine, but it started the anxiety, which then about after two weeks, I had the Intrusive Thought of killing myself with a knife. A knife I just bought recently because I lOVE to cook!. The thought wouldn't leave my head and started the rumination and reassurance process, which led me to a website about OCD, suicide and depression. And of course, my mind latched onto both, suicide AND depression. NOW, I'm constantly monitoring, "am I happy", omg, I just yawned there is a tear in my eye, THAT means I am depressed?!!?, Am I really depressed? What if I am and I don't know it??!! And if I am depressed surely it will lead to suicide. Of course, my life is awesome, I'm happily married, with three freakin amazing kids ans super awesome black lab that I love tons and my job is super swanky too. Now I feel like I am hyper-sensitive to anything related to the words "mental health", "depression" and "suicide." I am ruminating quite often to this page: https://www.madeofmillions.com/ocd/suicidal-ocd to give me reassurance, and I know this is not good. Oddly enough, I had my first therapy session with *mod edit* office last Monday. I KNOW it's OCD/PURE-O, but part of my brain wants to be not 100% sure, but 1,000% sure I would A. never get depressed, or B. act on Intrusive Thoughts of suicide. It scares the crap out of me. Like I said, I'm super laid back, easy going, a jokster, etc, but once these Intrusive Thoughts hit, it's like a ton of bricks. It's much better now, but I'm still hung up on the two thoughts... I haven't missed out on work or anything, but it does consume a portion of my day and other times, it's not there. Sorry for the LONG post. And thanks for reading! Best

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

**Trigger warnings**

You're definitely not alone. I've had harm/suicide OCD intrusive thoughts for nearly 50 years. As a child, I thought it was demonic influence- and thought that way into adulthood. What other sense are you supposed to make of it, in the absence of any knowledge of Pure-O?

A big thing that helped me was partly simply time and partly a little Reason. I've had plenty of time to act on such thoughts; I have not. My thoughts- more to the point, ego-dystonic, intrusive thoughts- can't make me do anything. I've learned to largely ignore such thoughts, in many circumstances. I can't be made to do something I clearly don't want to. I suppose what I began doing was a bit of homebrew ERP. I began to ignore the thoughts, accepting they're there, without accepting the premise (ie., that I'm going to act on them). I called B.S. on them. I stopped doing compulsions (such as hiding/staying away from potential weapons, etc). It's a lot better, as a result. I get intrusive harm thoughts less often, and for the most part I can brush them off fairly easily. Five minutes later, it's as if I never had the thought.

It also helps to know everyone gets those thoughts- we're just unable to give them the regard they rate: i.e., none!

Koda1024 wrote:I even had random thoughts of suicide, even though I didn't want to die < (boy that is hard to write).

It gets easier. When I first came to these forums, I had a hard time writing what was going on inside my head, if for no other reason I worried someone would take it as seriousness that I meant to kill my partner. I kept to my guns, however, and now it doesn't even bother me to write about it. Sometimes, if I'm talking about it in detail here in the forums, I'll of course get hit with some intrusive harm thoughts- but I know what to do- I ignore it.

Another thing is deferring anxiety, that helps me. I defer the anxiety until I have a reason to be anxious. You get an intrusive thought about using a knife on yourself, or your wife. Okay, well for me my counter to that is that I've had these thoughts for years; I haven't done it; you can't make me do it; I'm not a murderer (or a suicide), I'll worry about it when I've done it. Not before. When I'm standing over the body of a pet, or loved one (the most common objects of harm-OCD, I'm given to understand, along with suicide ideation, so you and I are actually rather mundane in our obsession)- THEN I'll worry about it. Not before.

It's really hard to do at first. It's simple; it's not easy. It's cultivating an attitude of not caring if you actually do that feared thing, or not. I cop the attitude that I don't care. I don't care if I murder my partner, because I know I'm not going to do it. When I do it, I'll care about it. Not before.

That's what keeps mine in check.

Glad to hear you're starting therapy for this! I endured periods of strong intrusive harm thoughts on and off throughout my life, until I just stumbled on something that works, that I probably could have grasped in a few sessions, if I'd ever seen someone for it. Would have saved me a lot of angst, especially as a child- I had this before I was a teenager.

Are you taking any meds for anxiety? Since you have a long history of it. I'm finally taking an SSRI for general anxiety- I don't know if it really impacts OCD or not, but that's not why I was put on it. I feel as if it does at least take the edge off general anxiety. So far as I know, there's no medication that's sure-fire for OCD, therapy is always the best choice. Although, if all else fails, I've seen an advert recently in my social media feed for transcranial magnetic stimulation as a possible treatment for stubborn OCD that doesn't respond well to other methods. Basically they use a strong electromagnet to non-invasively directly stimulate certain parts of the brain- I presume the mood centers, since it's also used for depression therapy and that's explicitly where they aim for in that event. I hadn't heard of that before- not sure how I feel about my brain being beamed at, but for some people desperate for anything to work, it seems to be less bothersome than electric shock therapy.