Please help my hocd is back with a vengeance after 10 years

Hi guys I'm back after many many years of remission I'm freaking out again because i cant trust my memories I'll start of saying I love girls and never been attracted to men the thought makes me sick in discust so I know deep down I'm not gay and it's my hocd playing up again

Ok I'll explain what is freaking me out when I was a kid I think I was 14 15 or 16 I'm not sure really because im 45 years old dude now ,so its hard to remember back that far in detail that is also making me spike not being able to remember exactly how old I was or full details but I pretty sure i was that young because we used to watch films like terminator 2 and silence of the lambs and they came out in 91 so i assumed i must have been around that age.

Anyway one night I was at a mates house there was 3 of us I think one was acually gay and the other friend was straight as far as I knew ,I'm straight also,so my friend says to the gay one put this bafta award thing down your trousers or something like that for a laugh or a dare maybe I dont know why ,and after peer pressure the gay dude said ok and the other kid was hitting the bafta award thing through his trousers I think so it was going going up his ass and hurting his ass I'm assuming this ,he had trousers on so I didnt see anything.so I cant say of it was really up his ass
Then the next part I cant remember what happened my mind tells me I didnt get involved in this sick stunt

But my hocd has been telling me that my friend that was hitting the statue says your turn to hit the statute it will hurt.i dont think I did anything and just walked out the house thinking wtf but my ocd says I may have possible hit or the statue that was apparently down his trousers near his ass or in it ,but I cant remember if I did and that's freaking me out.

I had beaten this worry and disturbing obsession many years ago because I put it down that fact that I was just a kid and kids teens and young people do this type of thing messing about and it's normal growing up i read online ,and thought i didnt even do anything anyway or have any part in this sick stunt
and if I did I only hit or slapped the statue through his trousers once I'm not sure where this came from thinking I slapped or hit anything, it's because I cant rember as I never wrote it down and hocd make you doubt your thoughts and memories, so how I beat it last time I think I told myself I didnt do anything so stop worrying but for some reason I seem to think it's possible I may have been involved in the way I mentioned.and people like stevo and jackass boys did stuff like that and they are not gay or worried and dont even see this type of $#%^ as gay anyway

But my issue is my hocd is now saying I was an adult and not a kid like I think I was so an adult doing something like that is gay but I know I'm not Gay as I only like girls or women.i wish I had written down exactly what happened and how old I was at the time then I could read the hit of paper and it would say I was 15 and I didn't do anything at all in participation.

But my hocd is doubting my memories and it's trying to spike me by saying I was a grown man when I'm pretty sure I was a kid.and the hocd is telling my mind that i may have slapped the statue once so was involved.as I cant remember exactly what happened.but I feel I didnt get involved but said if I did I only did that much participation.i wish I could remember clearly back to when I was young.ive been trying to rember my entire youth and childhood going over and over this in my mind all day all night as soon as I wake up I'm trying to go over my entire lifes thoughts and memories trying to be sure I was a kid 14 15 or 16 and trying to be sure I didnt do anything in this incident.but my brain says i may have been involved with the 1 hit to the outside of the guys trousers.im freaking out cant eat cant sleep cant focus I'm shaking.

False memories real memories I cant know as my brain is completely messed up over this I cant think
I just wish I had written it down 30 years or so ago so now I would be sure what happened and how old I was.i looked for all the notes i have written down over the years but cant find anything about this incident
Probbly was too scared to write it down incase someone found the bit of paper it was written on.i even went through my old phones that still worked to see if I had written it down but no luck

Snaga wrote:You said it yourself, you were a kid.

I'm older than you and bisexual and yeah if you were gay pretty sure by now you'd know it. Whatever you did before to let go of this fear, need to do it again, it sounds like.

Problem is I dont remember what I did or my ocd is lieing saying I did something that I didnt actually do and I dont really know how old i was my hocd is trying to gove false memories and telling mr i was not a kid.i cant trust my old memory or thoughts.im definitely not gay though because I just the thought makes me feel I'll I'm only attracted to girls
But how can I remember woth 100 percent certain how old I was or what I did or didnt do?because I'm pretty sure I didnt do anything thats I'm worried about back then but my hocd is trying to say I did
I'm cant stop thinking about this

The problem is that What I did before to let go of this hocd worry I cant really remember now as it was so long ago.but I'm assuming I put it down to I didnt do anything that night and its hocd telling me I did,I was not involved in the incident,But if I was Involved and just cant remember I was a kid and that is normal behaviour for kids,and I didn't take part in this practical joke or dare or whatever the hell it was.. but for some reason my hocd says that there is a tiny chance I was involved in this nasty act
And so I have doubt and I cant remember clearly at it was over 30 years ago I'm assuming.
Also when I beat this before the incident was clearer in my mind.after beating it the memory had faded so now I cant be sure.im checking my memory and trying to go over that night nonstop but its just not helping me find out exactly what happened.and it's making me I'll, no sleep cant eat cant function anymore.i was completely fine a week ago now I'm shaking over this in fear and anxiety

Snaga wrote:

live1 wrote:But how can I remember woth 100 percent certain how old I was or what I did or didnt do?

You can't. OCD screams for you to, but you can't- and on top of that, sometimes memory can be pretty plastic, from what I've read.

No matter what you did, or didn't do, you're going to have to stop being afraid or worried that you're gay- if you are, then it would be natural to you and the body would want what it wanted so why fight it? And if you're not gay, you're torturing yourself over something that doesn't exist. You have to cultivate an attitude that it doesn't matter. Otherwise OCD is going to beat you over the head with this until its arm falls off.

So are you saying I'm gay for worrying about my hocd and something I probably didn't even do when I was young because my hocd wont let me remember clearly and false memories could be getting involved here aswell because I'm trying to go over my memorys over and over and over tortureing myself with fear and worry
My hocd is spikeing hard from your reply as I dont get what your saying at all in that reply no offence though bro.ps I do not like men or males i never have and never will its discusts me the idea and the thought of seeing a man naked it's horrible to me, No offence to gay people if they are reading this

Snaga wrote:

live1 wrote:So are you saying I'm gay for worrying about my hocd

How OCD, to twist words around- OCD is very good at that... no, I didn't say that at all.

I said that whether you were gay or not, you have to stop worrying about it. It'll sort itself out but only if you stop being so fearful.

I think it's unlikely you are only because I've never felt the level of fear that people with HOCD have, and I'm bisexual. I'm Bisexual; I have OCD- but I have never, ever, ever been as distraught as the people who come here saying they have or think they have OCD homosexual fears. All I can do is compare it to myself, and I know what it's like to be despondent over sexuality, and it was never like the folks in OCD.

Having said that, I've had plenty of angst over my sexuality, and it's only when I decide to not care, that I don't have angst.

Thank god thats all I wanted to hear was that you agree I'm not gay or bi then yes? I just need reassurance as my hocd have come back out of the blue for no reason and it's trying to kill me.ps I would not do anything with a man for all the money in the world as it's just not me and discusts me in every way I have nothing against people that are that way inclined and I apologise if I seem to offend gay or bi people ,but it's not something I would ever want to do,not even if someone offered me a million pounds to be gay or do stuff with a man
Thanks for the reply your reassurance making me feel a little more relaxed.
But I'm still not sure about the part when you say (whether you are gay or not) is making me spike.as your comments making me feel you think I'm gay not the reassurance I was hoping for .I and that's the worst thing us hocd people want to hear when they post on a forum looking for help and reassurance .and this is why most are too scare to go to therapy as the therapist may say that your gay then you become suicidal because all you enjoy are women and being told you are gay when you dont like men is upsetting and disturbing

Snaga wrote:you shouldn't be seeking reassurance- it's ephemeral and doesn't help to control the OCD. Think of reassurance as sweets, or a recreational drug. It doesn't provide a lasting solution.

So you think I'm gay then?even when I'm not attracted to men in the slightest?I feel posting on here was a big mistake as your replys are only spiking me with your cryptic replys.this is why I would not go to het help threapy because they will just say your gay even when your the total opposite of gay then that will send people over the edge and into deep depression anxiety and fear how I'm currently feeling not slept in 7 days or hardly eaten