Pocd or not I don’t know anymore

Trigger warning Hi I’m new to this forum I’m 22 years old and my therapist says I suffer from pocd to give back story i never felt anything towards children growing up until I was 18 when this all started when it stated I was a wreck crying shaking heart raced and I didn’t know what to do skip 4 years later now im feel I don’t have anxiety and it bothers me and I test to see if I have sexual arousal I know I shouldn’t but I can’t fight the urge and when I test I force myself to think of situations involving young teens and it seems like I get an erection and I end up reaching an orgasm it is afraid that when I do it I think I like it but I also don’t get the anxiety I used to get so maybe I am a pedophila because when I test and think about it I reach a climax so quickly and it feels good mentally I don’t really feel anything but uncertainty and I have tried testing think about men to see if I will be aroused by men because I was always attracted to older women so I thought if I get this reaction from a man then maybe it’s just an all sex thing but I don’t any reaction but to I do to the other so it must mean I like it and that I’m a freak i don’t understand why I don’t feel anxiety about it after I don’t understand anything at all I’m so worried but I’m also afraid I’m not and could still just go on with my day please help

Hello and welcome!

If your therapist says it's OCD, try to trust them. Try to make yourself not check- try also to make yourself have an attitude that you don't care if you were actually a pedophile. I have harm OCD, and I have to make myself not care if I kill someone or not. It's the attitude that's important- it takes the power out of an intrusive thought. For me, I'm not a child molester, and I'm not going to, I'll worry about it when I've done it, not before.

Imlost37482 wrote: im feel I don’t have anxiety and it bothers me

And that's forgetting that we don't want to have anxiety over things we're not- don't take not having anxiety, as a reason to have anxiety- not being anxious over being something you don't want to be, is what we want to happen, yes?

Imlost37482 wrote: I test to see if I have sexual arousal I know I shouldn’t but I can’t fight the urge and when I test I force myself to think of situations involving young teens and it seems like I get an erection and I end up reaching an orgasm

Testing is BAD. BAD, bad bad. You can fight the urge, it gets easier but you have to start doing it. Don't test. As far as what happens when you do, I can sit here all day and fantasize about young teens, and orgasm to it just fine- if I chose to. It's sexual, we're wired to glom onto youth in order to perpetuate the species, sure I could do it- anyone could do it if they were determined to think about teens while masturbating. Masturbating tends to produce orgasm in a healthy person, so the result should not come as a surprise to anyone who checks in this fashion.

I choose not to, because I don't have a paraphilia for minors. Don't confuse being able to masturbate while thinking of teens, as having a paraphilia that you cannot control. With OCD, it seems we often confuse the ability to think something, with the need to do it, or that we are that thing. It's simply not true. And that's why testing is so bad- it only serves to make the water even more murky than it already is. Sexuality is a very fuzzy thing to begin with, all testing does, when driven by anxiety, is make it just that much more confusing. I'm OCD; I've had some anxiety over my sexuality (I'm Bisexual); but I never tested. If I looked at something, it's because I was curious- if I looked at it some more, it's because I liked it. I never had to make myself look at same-sex porn; I looked at it because my sexual desires drove me to. Don't make yourself 'test', please.