Not sure if HOCD or in denial/closet

geasu wrote:I also have another question, but this is more about an experience I had a couple of years ago. Anyway, a co-worker decided to take me to a strip club for my 21st, and I do believe I remember enjoying it, and I even went back a couple of days later, and all that I do believe I remember getting aroused and at one point feeling edged. I don't think a gay person would have those experiences? Another funny thing though is I was convinced for almost the rest of that year I got hiv from there good ol anxiety

I know this sounds kind of stupid, but my brain just won't stop and I cant make the decision about this event myself and would appreciate someone else's outside perspective

Snaga, I could use your opinion (I know this is reassurance) but do you think I am or sound gay?

Thanks a ton for the reply. I'm not so sure how I feel deep down anymore it just gets lost in all the mess and I don't know if my past of chasing and dreaming about girls even has any bearing anymore

I keep doing this and it always backfires on me man, but I was going at it again with porn and well I accidentally messed up one of my testicles and started to go soft from the pain I'm pretty sure, but I said "###$ it" and decided to search up femboy $#%^ to test with and while starting again I felt a weird rush and tingling feeling almost instantly in my genitalia and I immediately switched off to compare and it just went away and felt like I couldn't achieve orgasm anymore. I've been sitting here panicking like crazy and shaking why does it feel like I would have orgasmed very quickly had I continued aghhhh this is so annoying

-- Wed Dec 01, 2021 3:22 am --

Is it because I'm subconsciously focusing really hard on the area due to fear of implication? Why doesn't it help in my benefit when I anxiously try the same thing with just regular straight stuff mannnnnn

Don't you suppose that if you look for a particular outcome hard enough, it's sort of self-fulfilling?

I suppose so and I apologize for constantly dumping all this and being probably very repetitive. It is also funny to me that I can see a bunch of people complain about the loss of attraction to girls and that it is a common symptom, but for some reason, my brain is convinced that it isn't normal and that I HAVE to be aroused the second I see a female or that I HAVE to be able to finish in under a minute or two. And whenever I check with the gay porn I just don't seem to know why it does what it does other than I probably focus heavily on it for arousal because I don't think I really am truly attracted to it or place myself in the piece in any way. I mean in the past when scrolling through images the occasional gay image would show up and it would kinda kill the vibe or I would just move on and never really give it two thoughts because I'm pretty sure I never liked that stuff back then. Sorry for another just massive text dump, I just feel the need to vent and talk with someone who can understand

Now I have slowly been getting into the habit of picking up on "gay vibes" or whatnot and noticing at least what I assume are more often and I've been told that only gay people have that or do that sigh