Not sure if HOCD or in denial/closet

I even would start to think "Imagine being her in that situation" and stuff like that and I think the only times I've really ever considered being a woman was just so I could have boobs to squeeze, but this stuff has had me to the verge of puking the anxiety gets so bad

ok so kinda to go back to one of the original issues, I messed up and was masturbating and was sitting there for a good 5-10 minutes with nothing and my mind decided I was going to test and see if I ejaculate by staring at the penis and I did so within seconds and wellp needless to say that backfired and I'm terrified again SIGH could the mere thought of testing make that happen or am I really just gay?

-- Fri Oct 08, 2021 4:32 am --

It feels like my attraction to women if I even had any is just completely gone and my mind has me thinking that I was just always pretending to be straight because that's what society wants and I know asking for reassurance is bad, but I really need to know I'm not and this is just my brain messing with me

You're holding yours. You're watching another one do its thing with a woman.

And you're expecting that result to not happen? Stop overthinking this, please.

Also, just to be sure a gay man wouldn't have been thinking about getting a girlfriend and all that right? Then again there are some gay men that marry and have kids so I'm so confused on what to think about that

It's my understanding there's a myriad of reasons gay and bisexual men marry. But what would that prove in your case? Nothing.

OCD will do its damnedest to keep finding ways to twist your thinking to this obsession. Excuse after excuse after excuse to continually fret and doubt.

I really do hope this is just OCD and not something else and I'm really getting tired of the constant nah this is just ocd then turns into no way its ocd my brain truly is just becoming my worst enemy

I have a question that has really been on my mind. How do people even find out they are gay later in life? I keep seeing things about it now when I'm just scrolling around on the news and I am getting really bad anxiety about it since it could be similar to my experience

I'm not sure people find out, who had absolutely no clue beforehand. I have a very hard time believing it can occur in a virtual vacuum. I can savvy that someone might be somewhat clueless, until an opportunity presents itself, or they suddenly understand they have a yen in some capacity, for the same sex. I can't say with 100% certainty, but I do feel as if I have always been bisexual, but it took my pederast to really plant in my mind that other males were an option. Even though I'd previously done light messing around with same-age peers.

I have an even harder time believing that it begins with a fear of being gay. I would think any anxiety is a result of the desires surfacing first. When it hit me (and it hit me suddenly) it was thrilling. Scary, but thrilling. Like the scary thrill when you are about to get on a roller coaster.

I also have another question, but this is more about an experience I had a couple of years ago. Anyway, a co-worker decided to take me to a strip club for my 21st, and I do believe I remember enjoying it, and I even went back a couple of days later, and all that I do believe I remember getting aroused and at one point feeling edged. I don't think a gay person would have those experiences? Another funny thing though is I was convinced for almost the rest of that year I got hiv from there good ol anxiety

Anyone?