Not sure if HOCD or in denial/closet

May I ask what real attraction is like? I'm really not sure anymore if I have experienced any for same or opposite sex. I have maybe one example for opposite sex. Anyway when I was 13-14 I met this girl and I'm unsure if I was attracted to her genuinely or I was doing it on a subconscious level to "pretend" to be straight. I remember there were times where I would always think about her and times where I couldn't sleep because of thinking about her and also talking all night through texts. I would also get a butterfly type feeling seeing her online and all that. I don't ever remember having that for another male, but I also am not sure about it being genuine either as for some reason I seem to notice penises more in porn

Can anyone help me out with this? I also don't know if a gay man would ever get hard from a woman giving a lap dance

geasu wrote:Can anyone help me out with this? I also don't know if a gay man would ever get hard from a woman giving a lap dance

lol I'd say if a man is young enough, and doesn't have anxiety about women, I'd like to see him not get hard with anything wiggling on his lap. It's mechanical stimulation.

That makes sense I guess, but I'm not so sure arousal and thinking about sex with the person doing it would happen. Also what about the previous question?

What about the previous question? Do you want to go down an ROCD rabbit hole? They're not fun. You need to stop over thinking everything, please...

I guess I can see how this could lead to ROCD, but I'm mainly after if a gay man would do what I did and if they can then I would have been lying to myself

I'm very confused. I have a hard time achieving orgasm to straight porn, but I also don't seem to really be able to when viewing gay porn, however when viewing the gay porn I can feel and notice myself starting an erection when sometimes viewing an erection. Is this even normal for a straight guy to do? ugh

geasu wrote:I'm very confused. I have a hard time achieving orgasm to straight porn, but I also don't seem to really be able to when viewing gay porn, however when viewing the gay porn I can feel and notice myself starting an erection when sometimes viewing an erection. Is this even normal for a straight guy to do? ugh

I think it's a possibility someone could get used to being aroused by visuals that they're not personally interested in doing. Which is why when people on this forum 'check', I cringe and want to scream Don't Check.

You're seeing an erection- you're checking, and you are OCD about sexuality, so part of you might be expecting to respond, yes? And for you, gay sex is Taboo: I'd argue that The Taboo is going to be titillating if a person allows it to be- even if they aren't that thing, or wish to engage in it. Another reason not to check.

My advice is not to look at a genre of porn unless you truly want to. I look at gay porn because I'm Bi and I want to! You shouldn't- unless you want to.

Another thing related to my anxiety which I think I briefly touched on it earlier was that for some reason I put myself in a female's perspective in porn and I have also now more often had dreams and thoughts about being a woman in erotic scenarios. This has had me very worried because I can get off to it rather quickly and it makes me worry that I could be gay or to a lesser extent trans. I don't think I'm either, but at the same time, I don't know and I am scared I'm lying to myself.

geasu wrote: I put myself in a female's perspective in porn and I have also now more often had dreams and thoughts about being a woman in erotic scenarios. This has had me very worried because I can get off to it rather quickly and it makes me worry that I could be gay or to a lesser extent trans. I don't think I'm either, but at the same time, I don't know and I am scared I'm lying to myself.

Or- and this is considered heresy in our current political climate that demands one single narrative concerning gender and sexuality***- you could have a touch of autogynephilia. Which is the sexual fantasy of being a woman- of being that hot chick. Which is not Gay, and is not Trans. It's a fetish. Please tell me one red-blooded male on this planet that would not give a fortune to be a hot chick for just one day, if you could get him to admit it. To quote the wisdom of Beavis & Butthead: If I had boobs, I'd get a mirror and stare at them. Or, to more explicitly quote what I've heard at least one man say, if I were a hot chick, I'd get a full-length mirror and play with myself.
What guy hasn't wondered what it would be like to be the object of his attentions? Wouldn't that like, be the ultimate sexual experience? Also again, borrowing from B&B- when Madonna masturbates, she's doing it with Madonna. When Beavis masturbates, he's just doing it with Beavis.

Don't read more into that than it deserves. Don't make a mountain out of a kink.

*** by which I mean the notion that the least bit of homoeroticism means you're Gay or Bi- it does not! Or the notion that any deviation from 'maleness' (or 'femaleness') means you're transgendered. No. Just no.