Should we get back together? ROCD, can't tell how I feel

This girl and I were dating for 4ish months, then 2 months long distance, until last month. We were never in a committed relationship, because she has some serious hangups about commitment, but we agreed to tell each other if we decided to start dating other people. I asked her if we could break up and try seeing each other again in the fall (when I return for school) because I felt myself losing feelings (which I think could be due to the long distance). We were also arguing a lot for this one 3 or 4 week period; I felt like it would be short-sighted to ruin a relationship I liked a lot in person because of difficulties we had long distance. Plus, I felt like maybe giving it a second chance in a month or so would help my feelings become more clear to me. We agreed to do that, and have broken contact for the rest of the summer.

That was 4 weeks ago now. I STILL feel really conflicted about whether or not I like her, but the thing I'm wondering now is how much of that could be OCD. I was diagnosed with OCD about 4 years ago now, I received CBT for it for abt 18 months off and on 2 years ago and it helped me a lot.

Throughout our time dating, I had lots of doubts about whether or not I really liked the relationship. It's difficult to say because in lots of ways it wasn't a normal relationship - though we were exclusive, the commitment aspect wasn't really there. Plus, because of COVID restrictions we had in my college at the time, we were never able to hang out indoors or privately - quality time and physical touch were really missing from the equation, both of which are really important to me (though restrictions are looking like they'll be different this fall). However, I know for a fact that I felt genuinely happy to spend time with her lots of times. I have lots of good memories of time spent with her. What's tricky is there ARE things I don't like about her, and that makes it kind of ambiguous. Our love languages are kind of different, towards the end talking long distance got kind of boring (I felt like we were running out of things to talk about besides how our day went, we used to be able to talk for hours without getting bored), sometimes I feel like we don't have the same interests and can't relate to each other much. But I know I liked hanging out with her in person, even if it wasn't constant!!

I thought being apart would give me time to forget about it and give us a chance to try again later with a clean slate, but it's only confused me more. I can't stop myself thinking about her, multiple times a day every day, and it's become genuinely unpleasant sometimes ... I can't tell if these feelings are me disliking her, or just intense anxiety produced by OCD. Thinking about her seeing other people makes me super upset, but I feel like jealousy isn't necessarily evidence of actually caring for someone (lol this kind of feeds into another recurring obsession of mine, the "what if I don't actually like the people I date and only want to manipulate them into physical and sexual intimacy" obsession). The idea of the relationship causes a lot of discomfort for me, and I can't tell if it's me being super anxious or me reacting to genuine loss of interest in the relationship (this wouldn't be THAT unreasonable). I know there are things I liked about her but I'm so consumed that I can't even think about what they are. The doubting now is definitely even worse than when we were dating.

I still kind of want to stick to the plan of trying dating again in the fall; I feel like seeing each other in person again could make things more like the way they used to be or take away some of the doubting. But I just don't know if it's a good idea or not. I feel really bad going into a relationship not even knowing if I like the person anymore!!! What should I do??? Do these seem like ROCD symptoms?

Hi, there! I am diagnosed with and getting treated for OCD, and one of my two subtypes is ROCD. From experience, I can tell you that doubting whether or not you love/like your partner or they love/like you is certainly a symptom. Of course, other things could explain this, but ROCD is a possibility. For me, I get what I'd explain as "cycles." I have obsessions/doubts/fears that my boyfriend (of three years) does not love me and will leave me, which typically ends in me temporarily breaking up with him so that he can't be the one to leave.

Like you, though, I do sometimes get the intense fear that I don't love him (rather than him not loving me), I'm bad for him, or he would be happier with someone else. When this happens, I usually compulsively make long lists of my flaws and do my best to win the argument that I'm no good for him as a means of trying to convince him to leave, although I'm still scared that he will. Sometimes I also get caught up in his less-than-pleasant qualities or our different interests, terrified this means we can't make it work.

If you are not sure if you love/like her, but you are obsessed with the idea of dating (or not dating) her, you may want to try again. I could be wrong, but worrying daily over the thought that you might not actually like her seems to point to the fact that you probably do like her and want to make it work but are scared it won't (that's the OCD kicking in). The one thing I can say is this: if it is ROCD, it doesn't just go away on its own. Your doubts will likely still be there if you get back together, regardless of how much you enjoy dating her.