HOCD can someone help?

I keep testing myself by masturbating and seeing can I ejaculate to gay thoughts particularly thoughts of oral sex I get a strange sensation in my mouth and sometimes it feels like I can ejaculate very quick and with little effort from it which bothers me a lot. Lately Iv been doing a lot of testing this way I don’t have much anxiety in fact literally zero but I feel sort of depressed. Anyway today I tested and switched to gay porn with oral and also had a separate tab on my phone with the picture of a cow (I know this sounds ridiculous) so I tried to get off to the oral part by just thinking of it didn’t feel like ejaculating then when I played the porn video of it I felt like ejaculating nearly straight away with little effort. I then stopped and looked at the picture of the cow to see would the same thing happen and it didn’t. The thing is I don’t feel anxiety after it I just feel this nothingness I’d always usually be atleast distressed or anxious and depressed if this happened but not now? I’m just confused why would I ejaculate to this surely it means something if the other thoughts or images for example the cow did nothing? I’m worried that I’m not anxious or stressed my brain just feels like blank after it? The last few weeks with all the testing everyday I just feel mentally exhausted like I can’t carry on like this I feel I’m at some sort of crossroads of weather I have ocd or not. I was diagnosed with it but I’m really starting to think I don’t and I could be gay or bi. I don’t want to be but why don’t I feel any stress or anxiety and why am I able to ejaculate so quickly and easy to that image and mouth sensations? Please if someone could help me or had something similar I would appreciate some reply

You're masturbating to something that's taboo to you, checking for a specific result. That's a bad idea. Please don't check, and don't masturbate to anything except things you want to masturbate to. It's not a good idea to check this way. It's sex. Gay sex straight sex it's all sex and it's sexual imagery. Don't force it.

Snaga wrote:You're masturbating to something that's taboo to you, checking for a specific result. That's a bad idea. Please don't check, and don't masturbate to anything except things you want to masturbate to. It's not a good idea to check this way. It's sex. Gay sex straight sex it's all sex and it's sexual imagery. Don't force it.

Thanks for your reply means alot.

My confusion is why am I ejaculating so easily to something I don’t like or don’t want to engage in? Am I repressing being gay or bisexual? Sometimes I’ll get this really quick feeling that I like it? And also something being taboo does that mean your turned on by that thing?

Well, maybe it's because part of you expects (fears) that you'll orgasm to it, so you do. You're masturbating; I presume you're reasonably young (therefore in your prime) so you're going to orgasm pretty easily no matter what, I'd think.

My biggest concern with people checking is that they'll become habituated to that particular imagery and feel as if they need it to orgasm, when they really deep down still don't want to engage in that particular sex act. Plus every time you check like that you're trying to compare yourself to some idea in your head that you're not supposed to respond or something- yet you're masturbating so you respond, and it's just a really bad idea. It's a bad idea and people shouldn't check. Only look at the stuff that you desire to look at.

Snaga wrote:Well, maybe it's because part of you expects (fears) that you'll orgasm to it, so you do. You're masturbating; I presume you're reasonably young (therefore in your prime) so you're going to orgasm pretty easily no matter what, I'd think.

My biggest concern with people checking is that they'll become habituated to that particular imagery and feel as if they need it to orgasm, when they really deep down still don't want to engage in that particular sex act. Plus every time you check like that you're trying to compare yourself to some idea in your head that you're not supposed to respond or something- yet you're masturbating so you respond, and it's just a really bad idea. It's a bad idea and people shouldn't check. Only look at the stuff that you desire to look at.

Thanks again for the reply.

The thing is I don’t even know if I feel fear anymore to that thought there’s like split seconds it feels I like it which scares me.
I just can’t get over the fact I ejaculate to it if your disgusted by it you shouldn’t be able? I’m finding it really hard to stay positive about this and just think it’s my ocd because I’m starting to think it isn’t.

I’m in my late 20s so I’m not that young Iv had this ocd since I was 15 but the whole ejaculation thing only started 4 or 5 years ago so I’m worried

If nothing else- Pavlov's Dog- don't be Pavlov's Dog and acclimate yourself to masturbating to stuff you aren't really attracted to. If you have Gay tendencies, I think you'd know it. Even self-denial isn't abject ignorance, I'm Bisexual and I've done self-denial aplenty but it doesn't mean I was clueless that I liked thinking about messing around with other guys. The moment that switch was turned on in my brain it was on and it stayed on.

I don't really believe sexual orientation- especially in those with a Y chromosome- is very changeable past the early teens- but why risk it? Why subject yourself to something you don't want to look at and make yourself get off to it- the risks, to me, outweigh the benefits. You're seeking definitive reassurance on something that's fuzzy at best, because sexuality is not always cut-and-dried. Straight people will occasionally experience homoeroticism and vice versa. I don't think anyone from this forum has ever lost their sexual OCD tendencies by 'checking'. It just leads them further down the rabbit-hole, in my opinion.

Snaga wrote:If nothing else- Pavlov's Dog- don't be Pavlov's Dog and acclimate yourself to masturbating to stuff you aren't really attracted to. If you have Gay tendencies, I think you'd know it. Even self-denial isn't abject ignorance, I'm Bisexual and I've done self-denial aplenty but it doesn't mean I was clueless that I liked thinking about messing around with other guys. The moment that switch was turned on in my brain it was on and it stayed on.

I don't really believe sexual orientation- especially in those with a Y chromosome- is very changeable past the early teens- but why risk it? Why subject yourself to something you don't want to look at and make yourself get off to it- the risks, to me, outweigh the benefits. You're seeking definitive reassurance on something that's fuzzy at best, because sexuality is not always cut-and-dried. Straight people will occasionally experience homoeroticism and vice versa. I don't think anyone from this forum has ever lost their sexual OCD tendencies by 'checking'. It just leads them further down the rabbit-hole, in my opinion.

Again thanks for the reply it actually means a lot getting a response about all this because it’s not something I can discuss with anyone.

See I worry that I do have some sort of gay or bi tendencies when the ejaculation thing happens. I’m worried now that I feel this nothingness after it happened like Iv accepted it or something because before I would be very depressed and distressed and be anxious now I don’t?
And because Iv had HOCD since 15 I worry maybe that was me discovering I wasn’t straight because it was during puberty?

I always thought people were born a certain sexuality but now it’s said it can be fluid and it can change and I worry maybe that is me?
I’m just really tired of it now

I don't believe it's fluid- certainly not in males- because the study I've read about shows absolutely no malleability to sexual orientation in males. I'm talking about even trying electric shock therapy. it don't change.

Personally, I think it's set by no later than 14 or 15. I became aware of my bisexuality by 12 or 13- although before that, yeah I can see I was headed in that direction.

Dunlop555 wrote:See I worry that I do have some sort of gay or bi tendencies when the ejaculation thing happens. I’m worried now that I feel this nothingness after it happened like Iv accepted it or something because before I would be very depressed and distressed and be anxious now I don’t?

Maybe because you're growing accustomed to it- think of it like an addiction. OCD needs fear. You take a drug for a while, you start to need more to get the same high, yes? Okay then. You became habituated to it. Still doesn't mean you are that. That's why I think checking is bad- there's a difference between exposure and checking. Exposure would be not avoiding triggers, but it's not masturbating to gay porn by any means.

Snaga wrote:I don't believe it's fluid- certainly not in males- because the study I've read about shows absolutely no malleability to sexual orientation in males. I'm talking about even trying electric shock therapy. it don't change.

Personally, I think it's set by no later than 14 or 15. I became aware of my bisexuality by 12 or 13- although before that, yeah I can see I was headed in that direction.

Dunlop555 wrote:See I worry that I do have some sort of gay or bi tendencies when the ejaculation thing happens. I’m worried now that I feel this nothingness after it happened like Iv accepted it or something because before I would be very depressed and distressed and be anxious now I don’t?

Maybe because you're growing accustomed to it- think of it like an addiction. OCD needs fear. You take a drug for a while, you start to need more to get the same high, yes? Okay then. You became habituated to it. Still doesn't mean you are that. That's why I think checking is bad- there's a difference between exposure and checking. Exposure would be not avoiding triggers, but it's not masturbating to gay porn by any means.

Again really appreciating your feedback on all of this.

I get what your saying and it makes a lot of sense. But Iv read things about men who claim to be completely straight no attraction to men but yet are attracted to trans women and like giving bjs and want to give bjs? That makes me worry am I like them but I’m suppressing my feelings so much that I think I don’t like it but yet when I masturbate and think of that I ejaculate much faster and easier from that thought?

Iv just suffered with this hocd for so long I feel it will never go away. I want to be the way I was as a kid up until 15 I loved girls i remember my first crush at 4 and dreaming about having girlfriends I never thought anything like that about men until this hit me at 15. I’m nearly 30 now and I still have it.

It’s this whole ejaculating thing that has me stuck Iv experienced all the other things with hocd and got over them but when this happened first 6 years ago its that part I’m obsessed about and what makes it worse is the sensation in my mouth makes it feel real so why would I ejaculate to it unless there’s something there?

Dunlop555 wrote:so why would I ejaculate to it unless there’s something there?

You're ejaculating to it because you're playing with yourself. You're still in your prime, ejaculating isn't that difficult, surely. Sex isn't some switch that you can just turn off.

Dunlop555 wrote:But Iv read things about men who claim to be completely straight no attraction to men but yet are attracted to trans women and like giving bjs and want to give bjs?

And that is a fetish. I've read that shemale porn is largely a straight male fetish. I do not pretend to understand it, because I'm bisexual. In fact, it's only in my later years I began finding such imagery appealing from the standpoint of me finding them sexually desirable- at your age I tended to want my women to be ciswomen and my men to be men, so to speak, if we're talking about eye candy. Personally I think it's a kink- it's a safe way to explore things that are normally off-limits to men who aren't sexually attracted to other men but come on, let's face it- males are obsessed with penises. Once we discover our third leg we are always thinking about ways to make it happy, are we not? So I guess the idea of a woman with a penis is.. exotic. She's like you- she knows exactly what makes penises happy- because she has one. And somehow, magically, if you touch it it's not 'gay' cause she's a woman. I find that line of reasoning to be mildly amusing, but I hear it's a thing.

Now that applies to porn- and remember porn is fantasy. In the real world, there are 'straight' men who are, or find themselves attracted, to a transwoman, but if the transwoman is serious about feminizing themselves they're likely going to be on hormone replacement theory, and one common side-effect of HRT is that you don't get erections as often or as strong anymore- if you're blocking that testosterone, that's going to suffer. So if a guy is chasing a transwoman because 'chick with a dick' is his kink, he's liable to find out they're not all a Bailey Jay or a Daisy Taylor.

All of which is to say, that it isn't necessarily all that 'gay', after all. It's... something, but it doesn't translate into 'I like other men'. Kinky, but not same-sex, exactly.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhgh! OCD is so maddening. It makes people so black and white. If kinky thoughts about penises heighten masturbation, seems to me there could be several explanations that don't include you wanting a boyfriend. And there's the whole OCD false attraction thing which frankly I don't understand but I do understand it's a thing. I've had plenty of angst over my sexuality and plenty of doubts but there's never been any doubt as to the things that get my motor running, so I've never had HOCD in the classic form presented in these forums- and once I accepted I was bisexual and not either/or, my doubting practically vanished.