How do I deal with the uncertainity?

I am dealing with pocd (atlleast I hope).

well last year, I went into dark web one night. honestly that is all I remember. I have multiple memories of that same incident.

one of that memory is that I might have masturbated to child porn.

I am freaking out. I seriously don't know, but now I feel like I am someone who always wanted to see child porn and will masturbate again if I got another chance to.

I am crushing my skull to figure out if I will ever do that, and I don't know if I did it.

I was struggling to find this incident, and posted a similar post here on reddit. a person sent me an link telling me that this is a 13 year old and asked me to see if I am attracted. the link looked suspicious, anyway I clicked it, and it was a naked video of a girl. I freaked out, tried to see I am really attracted, then I got a panic attack , then later that day I deleted my whole reddit account. now I am worried that I liked actually and I have faked my panic attack.



I don't know when was the last time I slept tbh. this feels like living hell. Why am I feeling like I would masturbate to it if I got a chance to?

I am having a ton of false memories and don't know how to deal with them. someone please help me.`

because of this, I started to rarely use my computer, I am worried I would go into one with curiosity, and i am even getting images of me doing that in the future.

am I a pedophile? someone please help me.

One of the most common traits of OCD is uncertainty and false memories.. Not only this but the circular way of thinking.
I am no professional, and I know you really want an answer.

Recently, I have uncovered the uncertainty with false memories. But the thing with false memories, is those, too, are intrusive thoughts.

I used to struggle with the thought of, "well if I wanted to sexualize children I could."
I can't tell you what you did or didn't do, but if you regret it and would never do that again.. You are not that person.

I would definitely try seeking therapy, someone who can help find who you are and help you make a mends.

As with the uncertainty...Why do you need to be certain?
Until you seek a medical professional... You don't need to know the truth. You might not ever.

OCD wants to be CERTAIN. Anxiety wants you to be CERTAIN.

If you'd have really masturbated to CP, you'd know and want to seek it out again. You were ballsy enough to do it the first time. You see?

You knew enough that you went on the dark web.. Why wouldn't you remember something so deviant?

You could masturbate to anything if you got a chance too, and I struggled with that idea too...
But just let the thought linger uncertain and don't try to think with it.

I was googling into false memories, as I don't meet with my psychiatrist until Wednesday.. And I needed some way to cope with them now.
If you are uncertain if it really happened, then leave it.

Don't question into it, don't question to see if you really found that girl attractive.
And most importantly, DON'T TEST OR CHECK.

This method is extremely hard, yet you'll find it's easier to just not question it.

^^^^^^^^

Everything ohmygoodness said.

Sexuality is so, so very fuzzy. It's analogue. OCD wants Black or White, On or Off, Ones or Zeros.

You want 1,000,000% assurance on something that is, by its very nature, not able to give you that.

Anyone with a healthy compliment of hormones is capable of sexualising an awfully wide range of things, given the right circumstances and motivation. Doesn't mean you're going to do it, or want to do it, or have it in you to really do something. Everything in ohmygoodness' response is spot-on.

well I will share the incident that concerns me

I am dealing with pocd (atlleast I hope).

well last year, I went into dark web one night. honestly that is all I remember. I have multiple memories of that same incident.

one of that memory is that I might have masturbated to child porn.

I am freaking out. I seriously don't know, but now I feel like I am someone who always wanted to see child porn and will masturbate again if I got another chance to.

I am crushing my skull to figure out if I will ever do that, and I don't know if I did it.

I was struggling to find this incident, and posted a similar post here on reddit. a person sent me an link telling me that this is a 13 year old and asked me to see if I am attracted. the link looked suspicious, anyway I clicked it, and it was a naked video of a girl. I freaked out, tried to see I am really attracted, then I got a panic attack , then later that day I deleted my whole reddit account. now I am worried that I liked actually and I have faked my panic attack.



I don't know when was the last time I slept tbh. this feels like living hell. Why am I feeling like I would masturbate to it if I got a chance to?

I am having a ton of false memories and don't know how to deal with them. someone please help me.`

because of this, I started to rarely use my computer, I am worried I would go into one with curiosity, and i am even getting images of me doing that in the future.

am I a pedophile? someone please help me.

well the thing is that , I don't even know if this happened or not. but I can't stop obsessing.


I am pretty sure I cannot able to remember anything.
also, I can't even trust my current memory. well I don't know anything. but I can't stop obsessing.

my brain is bringing some random memories like you slept there that night so you might have done it

even if I actually went to dark web, and searched for cp, it seems that those *mod edit- 'sites'* are not easy to find and government has blocked most of them. but I still can't stop obsessing./

I honestly don't know what to do. all my fantasies included adult women, not even once I ever thought someone just even two years old to be sexually attractive, or fantasized them
someone please help me.

cursedforever4312 wrote:even if I actually went to dark web, and searched for cp

Do Not Do That. You don't need to do that.

cursedforever4312 wrote:all my fantasies included adult women, not even once I ever thought someone just even two years old to be sexually attractive, or fantasized them

You've answered the question of if you're a pedophile. Apparently not. Trust yourself.

well last year I gone to dark web. that is all I remember clearly. other then that I have memories of me searching for "jailbait" on search engine that wont' filter the results. I don't even know if this memory is true. I also have memories of me masturbating to something that I think came as a result. again , I am not sure.

But from what I have heard from a lot of people online, it is impossible to find child porn in the search results just like that so it is impossible that what I could have masturbated might be child porn.

well I am addicted to porn, and I even masturbated to some weird porn like animal for no reason.

Also when I was like 14 or 15, I would search porn in which women look younger than age( all legal) just because they look younger than their age.

also , sometimes, like 2 or 3 times, I searched for teen porn last year(again everything legal), just because they looked like my age.

I never fantasized children sexually, and all my fantasies only included adults or people my own age.

i am suffering form this , and I have posted a similar post here on reddit. I received a message from an guy, with a link telling me that " she is 13 year old, check if you are attracted to her" the link itself looked suspicious, I clicked, it was a video of a 13 year old naked. I freaked out , got a panic attack.

I tried to check if I am attracted one or two times, but due to my anxiety that time, I deleted my whole reddit account.

I am now worried that I checked one or two times because I am attracted to the that. it gives me intense panic attack so much that it gives me intense head ache.

next incident is recent. I was not able to live with this uncertainity. a person said to me that it is not easy to find child porn on dark web, so I thought I should check it, so I gone to duckduckgo in tor browser and came to know no stuffs like that was exist. I suddenly remember another search engine, and I clicked the first link in which the first image itself was messed up . It was which I hope is a pic of a dwarf women. I suddenly closed that website. and haven't sleeped since

I cannot stop asking these questions inside my head. I am keep on asking

will you masturbate to child porn if you got a chance to?

are you sexually attracted to a child

I cannot stop ruminating and I feel like I would be better if I jumped out of a building

honestly I never even thought about a child in sexual way. not even once. but now whenever I see a tv show, and I see a girl, i need to check if I am attracted to that girl, then I will go to google to find out that girl's age. if I felt that I guessed the age of that girl wrong, I would feel terrible

I am already suffering from some sexual things when I was a kid, like when I was 12-14. I was not the the average younger teen you are seeing now. I lacked any sex education , and was homeschooled, had no friends, had no access to any kind of technology whatsoever.

now i am just worried. there was a porn video on a famous tube site which is 100% legal. in that video there was a comment about pedophile, that is when I came across the term and searched for it on google and started obsess if I am one.

I saw a post somewhere telling me that pedophiles can't differentiate between adults and kids, and I tried to see if I could feel the same way and I felt like I did and caused intense anxiety.

when ever now I see a teenage girl, I am asking myself if I am attracted to them, and my brain is telling me things like you always are, and also you can't see them as kids. this freaks me out

I was considering castration before, but now I feel like just killing myself is the only way out of this $#%^.

This is not a post of me asking for sympathy, rather I just thought I should vent this all out.







I am getting a lot of questions, like hey, you clicked the porn in which the women looked younger, someone even mentioned about pedophillia in that, does that mean you are a pedophile?

I don't know what is wrong with me. i don't know what to do what to do other then crying.

Don't worry about the memory. It's over and done. You really need to set that memory down, and make yourself stop worrying about it. It's not easy, but it can be done.