HOCD and ejaculation

I keep having an issue with ejaculating with testing myself during masturbating? I will watch porn and be masturbating and I’ll be close to climax and I’ll go to a bj scene and imagine me giving it and I’ll get sensations in my mouth and I’ll just be using one finger on my penis and it can bring me to ejaculation? This is really bothering me I don’t have much anxiety anymore because I’m on meds. I try to recreate it by think of something else that might frighten me like being a peado but it doesn’t work and if it does it feels forced? Watching gay porn or any of the thoughts don’t arouse me Iv tried to masturbate to gay porn but I can’t get hard which is a relief but I just have this problem while close to ejaculation it’s like it happens quicker and with less effort? Is this some sort of groinal response? But then why amnt I anxious if it is? Or am I bi or something? I’m really mentally tired of this I just want a better understanding of it me to ejaculation? This is really bothering me I don’t have much anxiety anymore because I’m on meds. I try to recreate it by think of something else that might frighten me like being a peado but it doesn’t work and if it does it feels forced? Watching gay porn or any of the thoughts don’t arouse me Iv tried to masturbate to gay porn but I can’t get hard which is a relief but I just have this problem while close to ejaculation it’s like it happens quicker and with less effort? Is this some sort of groinal response? But then why amnt I anxious if it is? Or am I bi or something? I’m really mentally tired of this I just want a better understanding of it

Hello and welcome!

I want you to read back what you wrote, very carefully...

you're on meds... for anxiety, I take it...

you're not feeling anxiety....

isn't that the whole idea?

Just because you're not into something, doesn't mean you have to feel anxious over the thought of it. It's simply not your cuppa.

Stop testing. I'm very bisexual. If you wanted it, you'd be wanting to think it and watch that kind of porn and everything else. Don't check, don't make yourself.

When you're close to climax and you switch your thoughts, don't be expecting it to shut things down like a light switch- you're close to climax. I do believe that in that moment there's not only usually no turning back, but that you could think of oh I don't know- a giraffe- and it wouldn't matter, you're going to have an orgasm.

I really worry that those of y'all that check, are going to be like Pavlov's dog one day, and have checked so much, you get used to it and then you'll be like omg I'm gay- when you're still not, you've just trained yourself into a learned response. So please- don't check. If the thoughts don't come naturally, don't force them.

Hey Thanks so much for your reply means alot

Iv talked about this with my therapist and he said something similar like Iv conditioned myself to ejaculate once Iv that intrusive thought because Iv tested so much? I just worry because I still get these groinals even though I’m on meds?

I know I shouldn’t ask you because it’s probably reassurance but do you think I could be gay or bi and I’m in some sort of denial? I just want an understanding of why this happens I’m just so tired Iv dealt with OCD for 13 years specifically this sub type and though I’m way way better then what I use to be this seems to be the thing holding me back in life

Denial isn't cluelessness. I can deny getting horny for messing around with other guys all I want, but that doesn't mean I don't feel it. Even before it occurred to me that I actively wanted that, it didn't mean I had an aversion to it or anything.