HOCD dream and basically my whole HOCD (long but pls read)

Tbh this might be pretty vulgar but I’m just gonna go ahead and tell you guys what happened to me, right now the anxiety I’m feeling is unbearable but I’m going to say everything to you guys, I don’t even care if you call me gay at this point I just need the harsh truth, this is gonna be one of the grossest posts I’ve made but please read it properly before you come to your conclusion


So my HOCD has mainly been focused around the genitals of a man, this HOCD came randomly as I never imagined myself to have anything to do with it, although I kept getting intrusive thoughts and groinal responses, I never masturbated to it as I never had an urge to but I got bad intrusive thoughts, sometimes about oral, they weren’t arousing but they kept bombarding me, it got so bad that I couldn’t even watch women do oral in porn because I was getting mouth sensations, it was truly a random thing that happened as I had no problem with porn escalation or anything, it was just a weird thought that my brain latched onto, probably because the genitals of a man and being attracted to it was pretty sure fire evidence that you were gay since it was unique to a man, that’s probably why I didn’t get HOCD about abs or male butts because I could win over my HOCD by saying “women can have abs and butts too”, so it went and latched onto this

This all happened on the first week, the second week of it all I had a dream where I gave oral to a dude, I was tripping out when I woke up and I started crying and shaking, I was traumatised for a couple months after that and then it started to get better, I also realised that I was in third person when it happened so it’s not like I was the one exactly doing that so knowing that kept me at ease, today however was a very bad day, my intrusive thoughts started to come back and they were so bad I couldn’t sleep, it was almost giving me a headache, I probably had about 4-5 dreams as I kept waking up to these intrusive thoughts, however, the last dream was the worst, it happened again for the 2nd time ever (first one was in October now we’re in June), I was trying so hard to not let it enter my dreams but this happened. I was dreaming that me and my friend had lined up to have sex with these female pornstars and before it became my turn this random dude in the crowd whipped out his penis, and in the dream I was having intrusive thoughts and next thing I know it was oral all over again, but it was weird because I felt like I was testing myself, I wasn’t even aroused at all but I didn’t feel disgust, and like the other dream it started off in third person again but this time I realised that and it put me in first person so I couldn’t use that excuse when I woke up, my HOCD did that on purpose and now I can actually say I gave oral in my dream, even in the dream I was trying so hard to wake myself up but it was too late, I’m all kinds of ###$ man, I trying to hold in the tears but why does this keep happening to me, how much of my manhood and dignity does this thing want to take from me??? I was looking forward to my birthday in 2 days but this really messed up my whole week now, I was doing better but now it’s back again, I have to start this all over again ffs, I can’t do it, I’m constantly being sexually assaulted in my dreams and I can’t stand it anymore

Do you think it's unusual to dream about something you're obsessing or anxious over? I don't.

Thank you for replying Snaga, and no I actually don’t, it’s funny because I saw the dream coming from a mile away but I made the stupid decision to go back to sleep, who knows if I didn’t go back to sleep today I could’ve had a good week but I made the dumb decision of sleeping again and had to go through that, that’s why I’m angry

If something is on your mind to the point you dream about it, I'm not sure sleep-deprivation is the answer. Dude, it's just a dream. It's on your mind a lot, so you had a dream. I've had plenty of dreams of things that I was dreading. Never once have I obsessed that having a dream about my terrible job was a sign I secretly liked it.

Personally when I have same-sex dreams I wake up bummed it was just a dream, but I'm Bisexual and don't have HOCD like straight folks do. I also don't have many dreams like that (or sexual dreams at all) because it's not something I think about all the time. I wish I had more of them- or any sexual dream for that matter, ha. I almost never get lucky in my dreams, darn it.