I hate everyinch of me : end of my hope (POCD)

Until now I thought I was suffering from pocd. But only today I understand that I might be a pedophile.Last year I masturbated to a lot of anime porn. some of them were rule 34 stuffs of ben 10 comics. The character Gwen from that comic is said to be 10. but last year I never cared about the age. I never thought about the ages, as the images were available in google, I thought it is normal to masturbate to that stuff and masturbate. But only around two months ago, I realized what I had done and started to freak out. I came to know she is underage. I was freaking out. Seriously though, the characters didn't look like underage. So I went again to those sites to see if I am attracted to them, and I found them arousing. I started to freak out. then suddenly came out of it. After some days, I came to find out that even reddit has a separate subreddit for ben 10 porn , I remember someone said to me that reddit doesn't allow child porn. after seeing that on reddit, I was so happy. I went again into it, and masturbated to it to prove myself that I am just like everyone else. like everyone found it arousing, I am not a pedo, yay. I was happy until I found a comment telling only pedophiles would masturbate to it. and it freaked me out and that is when I started to feel like My life fell apart. I don't think it is child porn as it exists on reddit, but if it is , why the hell did I masturbate to it?



I had a severe porn addiction. Last year I was masturbating like 5 times a day to porn. I never even once thought about going into illegal stuff. but most of my categories include watching porn with school girl foreplay, or something teen related because those videos seem to have people who resemble people close to my age range. I always had crushes on people who are either my same age, or older than me. I never really thought of children in a sexual way, not even once. so last year I did an ######6 stupid thing. going into the dark web for fun. like just for fun. I never really thought about anything . After I went into it, I saw a link telling me jailbait. I seriously didn't know what that meant. so I went to it anyway. and yeah, it contained pics of teenagers in which some of them were clearly underage, like 12- 18 posed in sexual poses. Some of them were nude. it was literally my first time seeing stuffs like that, and my stupid brain told me to masturbate to it for some reason, and I did. I didn't really fantasize about people. I even tried to download some videos out of curiosity, but thank god I didn't .( ya know when I was around 15 or 16 i remember searching in google for child porn so that I could see people my age, thank god I didn't find any)The next day, I was just occupied with Immense guilt and shame. I like it very much. I cannot accept that I did it. tbh, I don't have any ######6 idea why I did a $#%^ like that. I was depressed for the next 3 days. I hated myself for doing that, I just hated myself like $#%^ after 3 days, I watched some normal vanilla porn and xvideos and saw a comment on a video about pedophillia. I didn't know the meaning of the word, and so I went into a goole, to look up the meaning, and came to know they are persons who are attracted to kids under 13. I just scanned my whole life and asked myself whether I am one, suddenly this incident that I did three days ago came to mind. I still remember just comforting myself saying I cannot be a pedophile, because the people in the images were at least 14-16 and I am 18 and so there is not more than a 5 year gap so I am not a pedophile. (now tho, I don't remember anything what I saw in that video as it was like late night) .



At the same time, I suddenly remember some sexual experimentation I did when I was around 12 or 13 with my sister who was way younger than me while she wasn't known as an ignorant and hypersexual child ( no one was harmed and no one remembers the incident). you know I suffered from shame and guilt. At the same time while going through it, I kept asking myself whether I am a pedophile or not. I even developed false memories of me being attracted to kids my whole life. Only last month I realized all these memories are false.



and there you go my life. I don't know how to deal with all the false memories that I am dealing with. but I suffer from the ptsd of the things I did when I was around 12 or 13. I even shared something about that incident in another post and I will copy paste here.



So the reason for me posting this post? well again this incident.Last year when I was around 17 a little girl ( who was around 9 or 10 I guess?)So I remember last year a 8 year old girl came to my room to play. She was closing the door for some reason. But I said her to keep the door opened. I thought it was the appropriate thing to do. I thought if I kept the door closed others would doubt me that I am doing bad to the kid. I thought it was the right thing to do.But now I feel like I did it because I am someone who is capable of sexualizing children.I mean if I could get that thought that some one will mistaken for me molesting a child, does that mean I thought it because I am someone who thinks children as someone who is capable of sexualizing children. ,I never fantasized children sexually, but when I imagine children in a nude manner, my mind's telling me a lot of thoughts like hey look a child's private part is exactly look like an adult womens private part when they shave, so you are attracted to themanother incident with the same girlYeah she was sitting in my room and I saw a hole in crotch area in her pants. She was wearing leggings. I suddenly thought to myself that I should not look at it, I should not look at it , I am being appropriate, I should not look at it. I have told this to myself around a million times and ended up looking at it. Thank god she was wearing underwear. But why did I do that in the first place? Why did I think it is inappropriate to even look at a child's private part? Am I someone who keeps thinking children are sexual beings? Would I have gotten aroused if I had seen that?I really don't remember having any sexual thoughts or urges, instead it was more like being appropriate.But why did I do that in the first place? If I am a normal human, I wouldn't have even thought that seeing a kid's groin is inappropriate right? I wouldn't have any sexual feelings even if I see children naked right?Also, I just wanted to mention that I never remember finding kids attractive and not even once masturbated imagining children sexually.I am just trying to figure out why I did that? why? Why did I find it appropriate to look at a 10 year old's genitals? I mean, If I am a normal man, even if i saw that, i wouldn't have reacted much right? So why did I do that?Well as I said, I never got even one sexual thought, not even once about a little girl, even in this situation, it was more like anxiety, being appropriate , fear and a lot of stuff like that. I am pretty sure even if i saw her crotch, i wouldn't have masturbated or got aroused by it, instead most probably, it would have increased my anxiety further . But what are the reasons for my behaviour?



well I just want to say one thing, not even once in my entire life have I sexualized or objectified children. not even once. I never remember doing it and instead of harming a child, I would rather just k*ll my self *mod edit*. I feel like a monster. I don't know what to do. I don't want to live. The only reason that is keeping me alive is my religious beliefs. They are the only thing that is not letting them die. Seriously, I wish I were an atheist. so that I could've just died without the fear of going to hell. Also, I don't want to be a pedophile. not it is not right, it is not an orientation, it is ######6 disguisting. I hate every part of me. I just don't know what to do. I feel like My life is already over



. I know this all sound disguising, and yeah if you could please pray for me to die soon. that is what a monster like me deserve.