HOCD my long and difficult battle with “futa” please help

Long story I’m really sorry

So you’ve probably seen my posts around from time to time asking the same things and might be thinking if I’m just beyond repair, I don’t know at this point and I’m sorry to be recycling the same story 100 times, maybe I therapist would handle this better but a few words of advice wouldn’t hurt

So I’ll start by quickly reinstating what I’ve already mentioned on my old account, my HOCD started (or should I say got worse since I’ve actually had minor HOCD for awhile), when I was scrolling on Twitter and watched a video of *NSFW* two hentai women doing it and one pulling out a penis*NSFW*, this is where everything went downhill because I had a heavy groinal response to that and I remember repeatedly rewatching her *NSFW* pull out her junk *NSFW* to test my reaction but thankfully it stopped but I hadn’t realised a fear was brewing inside me, and that was a fear of liking futa porn

Now I’ve always known what that kind of porn was but I stayed away from it because it kinda grossed me out and I couldn’t see the appeal, I thought it was for gay or bi people and I hated the sight of a penis, anyway like I was saying, remember how I said I had a fear brewing well that fear came back when I had yet another encounter with futa on Twitter again, reshared by one of my friends, it was the same reaction and this time I had a proper anxiety attack and for months on end till now I would keep checking if I was into it, but from September to now there were probably months where I went without checkin but it always came back.

So where am I at now? Well now I realised that I’m probably not into it since I’m physically incapable of masturbating to it, every time I try to my body doesn’t let me continue, as if my body is rejecting it and to this day I haven’t gotten an erection from it (my dreams are a different story), I know you’re probably thinking now then wtf is my problem? My problem is I don’t know if I’m repressing these feelings or if it’s just OCD because the groinal responses I get when I see it feels so real and sometimes it feels like I find the images hot but my body never agrees with me, I think the arousal may come from all the other body parts excluding the penis and the fact that I can’t masturbate to it is because my body recognises there is a penis present but idk because sometimes I get groinals from seeing the penis, its even more confusing because I don’t get this with men or even crossdressers, it’s like I don’t get affected by penises unless its a futa and the penis can look the exact same too, I think my OCD has just latched onto this, it’s so ######6 confusing, I never had this problem a year ago I just found it gross, what’s going on with me!