Not sure whether this is ocd or some form of bisexuality

[This is my first post and I'm not It sure whether this belongs in the ocd forum or some other one, anyway on to the topic at hand

When I was 14 I first started getting thoughts relating to homosexuality (I'm 17 now) and obviously I didn't like them I'd check to see if I was attracted to men and I'd check to see if I was still attracted to women these thoughts would come in episodes but at the end of the useully 2-3 week cycle I'd be at peace and things would go back to normal for three years I never felt attracted to men (or at least I don't think I was). HOWEVER during this most current "episode" I started feeling attracted to men and I don't mean I think I started feeling attracted to men I mean I started seeing men as attractive so as a result I obviously would obsess and do compulsions, I honestly don't know why I'm on this forum but I just can't enjoy things like I used to for instance I've lost my attraction to women(which didn't stress me out to much because that's happened before) but I don't lose it all at once first I'd lose my attraction to a girl I'd seen all the time to losing my attraction to girls in and (not even a week ago) losing my attraction to girls in anime (and I guess saying "lose my attraction wouldn't be accurate it just isn't as strong as it was say two months ago) all my compulsions aren't disgusting to me anymore either for instance I used to imagine sucking cock and that used to make me gag these days it doesn't,. I feel like my sexuality has been forcibly taken away from me. I also don't like that I don't feel anxious anymore. Any way I don't know what I plan to get from this post If anybody needs me to elaborate than I gladly will there's still more I could elaborate on this was just a start to some of my problems

Hello and welcome to the forums!

The problem with doing compulsions, is that eventually they won't bother you- I mean, you're exposing yourself to something all the time to 'test' yourself, eventually, wouldn't it become blasé?

Also... I think folks lose sight of the goal- to NOT be stressed out by things- but when you find something not disturbing you anymore, then folks in this forum tend to get worried about that- when... to not be afraid of it was kinda the whole point, wasn't it?

I think it's easy to overthink one's sexuality- I think everyone is on a spectrum and even though most people are for all practical purposes straight or gay (and most of the most is going to be straight), that just that tiny bit of potential to do something that isn't 'straight' is something a person with OCD will obsess over and pick to death.

Checking in my opinion is always a bad thing.

Personally, I'm of the opinion by things I've read, and my own personal experience, that 14 isn't quite too old to be thinking over well, your sexual options. But that by now, you'd definitely know what you are- IF you examine your fantasies and actions. For me, looking back at that age, at the time I'd have sworn on a Bible I was straight- but well I really knew better, and my actions, fantasies, and thoughts at the time tell me otherwise. I'm convinced we are what we are by.. no later than fifteen- probably earlier- and that it doesn't really change for most people. So I think if you really desired men, you'd know it- and more than just that making yourself think something doesn't turn you off- it'd be yes you want that, and you want it bad, and you'd know you wanted it, no matter how much you might pretend not to.

I think from what I see here, folks get numb to all sexuality after a while because they just beat themselves over the head with it, day after day with checking and worrying and picking apart every thought and action. When there's never been a better time in history, in a lot of the world, to be Not Straight, and it's something best just not worried about. Worry about it, when you find yourself waking up next to another fellow- not before.

The main problem for me is that I feel a genuine attraction to men now (that's existed for 8 months but has gotten worse sense than)and I'm just afraid that I'm not going to like women in the future I don't really feel to much stress albeit I still obsess over it, I just think that I'm not going to like women to the same extent like I did a month ago part of me thinks that if I'd figured this out earlier (like at twelve years old) I would be more accepting I'm just not really sure

To elaborate more on my first post (because I don't think I explained my situation very clearly) I don't have a doubt I'm attracted to men(like I said it's been like that for 8,months now prior to that it was textbook ocd (or at least I'm pretty shore)it's just sad that I won't be able to have fantasies the same way I used to) I just don't like it I want things to go back to normal it's so hard to sit there and be comfortable with it it's depressing I can only (kind of), relish in the fact that I just don't need to get into a relationship

Kaleb28 wrote:To elaborate more on my first post (because I don't think I explained my situation very clearly) I don't have a doubt I'm attracted to men(like I said it's been like that for 8,months now prior to that it was textbook ocd (or at least I'm pretty shore)it's just sad that I won't be able to have fantasies the same way I used to) I just don't like it I want things to go back to normal it's so hard to sit there and be comfortable with it it's depressing I can only (kind of), relish in the fact that I just don't need to get into a relationship

Well perhaps we ought to move this to Sexuality and talk more about it there, then.

I'm not myself convinced yet it's not OCD. You say you're seventeen, and have been... what exactly, for the last 8 months? Decided upon that you do like men?

When you were fourteen, did you have a sudden desire for other boys? Or was it a single comment, or thought, or something on TV or internet that filled you with the fear of being not straight?

I ask that because by my belief, 17, even 16, is in my opinion, a little old to suddenly discover an alternate sexuality- although it's possible, I'm sure. But I remain convinced that you would be able to look back on your earlier teen years and see some signs of it. As for myself, I long predate the internet so in lieu of easily obtainable porn, I started out my exploration of being not straight as a very young adult buying the occasional gay and bi magazine. Not to 'check' either- bought them because I wanted to.

But I mean I had same-sex thoughts and urges from at least the age of 13 and looking back before that I can see some hints.

I once read of an Australian (I think) sexologist that quite thoroughly investigated male sexuality. He was convinced that male sexual preference is set from birth- although it needs to be pointed out, that his youngest test subjects were 15. So empirically, we can only say for sure, that from 15 on it appears to be set. You see, he not only tested males with one of those penile measuring things to judge reaction to various images (in addition to interviewing the subjects) but he was also asked to change sexual preference from gay to straight. He tried everything, short of a priest. Including shock aversion therapy, etc. From what I've read. He would determine where a person was on a sexuality spectrum, then if they wanted to change, he'd try to change them- and found it impossible in males.

Using me as an example- I usually self-test to about the middle of the spectrum between Straight and Gay. It fluctuates a little, but stays pretty much in the middle. So, if I'd seen this man- his name escapes me at the moment- he'd say okay you're THIS. Then he'd have tried to change me, if that's what I wanted to do. And it wouldn't be successful. He found wherever you were, you were locked in place as a male. Say I'm 40/60- 40% straight, 60% gay. He found that not only would it been impossible to make me Straight; he wouldn't even make me 60/40.

All that long-winded story is to say this- if you had pleasurable thoughts about other guys at 14, I think we need to move this thread. If you were merely very frightened of it, and weren't at the very least fascinated by the idea of messing around with other boys- which is what I was, before the age of 13- and then when I was 13 it got switched on fully- then I'm inclined to think it's OCD. I never was frightened like people in this forum are.

So... were you in terror before now? I mean abject terror? Or was it more OMG I wish I wasn't this but I can't stop thinking about it?

I really recommend that you read this article. It helped me a lot. Over time, it seems that the obsessions lose the ability to provoke anxiety, but they are still obsessions. https://www.academia.edu/4075725/Proble ... sis_of_OCD

gorillaspacecadet wrote:I really recommend that you read this article. It helped me a lot. Over time, it seems that the obsessions lose the ability to provoke anxiety, but they are still obsessions. https://www.academia.edu/4075725/Proble ... sis_of_OCD

Of course they do. If I hit my hand with a hammer enough times, it's going to stop hurting so badly.

And that's a trap we see people here fall in- they come here, because they're terrified of being... gay, since this is an HOCD thread. And over time they notice they're not as freaked out by it... and... OCD latches onto that as proof they're whatever...

Forgetting that very thing- you can't keep the terror up indefinitely. Eventually you'll get inured to it. And forgetting that the whole point in being here, is to get a grip on the anxiety- and then the very thing you come here wanting is the thing that makes you think OMG I'm that. Because you interpret not being frightened out of your wits, as becoming that thing. Well... no. Gorilla has it right. You're not going to stay terrified of it forever- and OCD is really good at shifting the anxiety to a fresh take on it.

"So... were you in terror before now? I mean abject terror? Or was it more OMG I wish I wasn't this but I can't stop thinking about it?"

I don't know how to quote so this will do,

I used to feel abject terror Everytime I went through this now and I'm going to try and be as clear as I can mainly for my self but now I'm just depressed and feel hopeless like it won't be possible for me to go back to the way things are part of me just wants to be gay or bisexual and just get over this because in the past month especially it's become a great burdon on my life

I remember back in 2019 I was going through one of these episodes and wrote down a list so here it is:

I keep getting to eased about my stress when I'm not getting the results I want
I keep noticing men's attractiveness more which freaks me out
I keep thinking that I'm going to getting disgusted by women
I keep trying to think of grotesced imagery when trying to fight off against this (not that I didn't do this before)
I was just like normal since January up until a couple days ago
I'm afraid that I might be gay or bisexual (which I've talked about this before)
As I currently right this I'm at ease with myself which is freaking me out
I don't like it when I don't feel wierded out of thinking of a guy in my bed
I freak out that a certain thing that reassures will disappear as I currently write this
im afraid that if I talk about specific compulsions will disappear for me to be gay
I'm sleeping on the ground whilst writing this
Just want things to be normal
How can somebody go from liking one gender to the other I knew what I was into when I was twelve
Im not anti gay but flamboyant homosexuals freakk me out

I don't even want my interactions with women to be weird to me
Where as in the past if I fell pray to one of my compulsions I would feel slightly better now I feel as stressed after as I did before
Starting to feel weird for me to like women I don't like it dont like it when I look at a good looking guy and it doesn't feel weird
Don't like seeing guys and being fine with it
I think I'm getting discusted by women now though I'm not sure
It's not as weird for me to think of a guy in my bed which scares me
Starting to notice men's attractiveness more then womens
Cpulsions Dont work like they used to
I feel sort of ok with my thoughts which I don't like


I left out some personal things also pardon some of my grammar mistakes (I literally just copy and pasted some notes I took from back then)

Now compared to then, these days I do find men attractive I just don't like it and my attraction to women isn't as strong as it used to be beyond that everything else I feel would more or less be sumed up in the second or third post I made I hope people can understand what I wrote in the list if anybody wants context on the certain things I wrote I'll show it, just point out where
I hope this answers at least to some extent the sentence I quoted

Being Bisexual, I like to think I have a pretty decent forum gaydar, and I'm just not feeling it. You say you're finding men more attractive but it sure doesn't seem sincere. And I maintain men just don't change on a dime from one sexuality to another.

With OCD you find yourself picking every last thing apart- every thought and action gets put under a microscope, to pass or fail a purity test to an impossible standard set up in a person's brain. OCD loves absolutes, and few things are fuzzier than sexuality. I don't think many people in this world are guaranteed under all life circumstances to be 100% Gay or Straight. Most of humanity, however, is going to be so close to being all straight, that for all practical purposes, they're as straight as you'll find. And most people are willing to live with that tiny bit that's 'not straight'. Except with OCD. OCD is going to jump on that tiny bit of a person that isn't the textbook definition of 'straight' and pick it to death.

I really think it comes down to having to step out of your fear long enough to genuinely know 'okay I'm THIS' and then making that your story, and be more stubborn about it, than the OCD.

I've been thinking about it recently and part of me just wants to spare myself the stress and just not have a relationship part of me would just loves things to go back to the way they where a year ago and part of me just hates the idea of relationships and sexuality in general. I keep going between feeling less stressed and more stressed. I really just hate the fact that I've been hoodwinked for the past 7 years or maybe haven't and it's always been there, part of me can't imagine living like this for the rest of my life and(I'm sure people have heard this hundreds of times) part of me would just like to die though I definitely don't have the will power to do that and I would definitely regret it if I took a slow yet "painless" death. Anyways I just needed to vent and get this out of my system maybe things will get better maybe not, anyways thanks for reading