My HOCD is more complicated than most

Hello, I am new here and this is my first time posting. I created my account just to post this. As my username suggests, I have been struggling with HOCD for months now, but I'm afraid that it's not just HOCD at this point. I think that most people with HOCD are actually their desired orientation but for me I don't think that's the case.

I think for me it started around 6 or so years ago when I was fourteen. In a conversation with my friends, I accidentally said something gay about a friend who wasn't present. One of the people there told me that the friend in question was in this club at school, and I went to reply saying "Huh I didn't think that he'd be interested in [school club]" when for whatever reason I said "I didn't think that he'd be interested in me."

This shocked me, I had NO IDEA why I said it. I showed no sign of liking this friend before that, but I became convinced that it was a Freudian slip. I started obsessing over whether I liked this friend or not, and I think I actually started developing symptoms similar to that of a crush. I'd always get anxious when he was around and I started to avoid hanging out with him compared to my other friends as a result. I tried to not think much of it at the time and tried to ignore it for years. Other than this incident, all of my crushes had been on women, and I've only wanted to be with a woman.

[NSFW Ahead]
Flash forward to last year, I started finding myself having same-sex after reading something homoerotic. This had become a common occurrence for me over the past year, and it had even escalated into my porn use. While most people with HOCD would attempt to watch gay porn to check but when they did it they felt nothing, I found myself feeling more intense things than with straight porn. I'd always feel disgusted afterwards though.

Over the past several months I've started to scrutinize my reactions to EVERYONE. Every time I see a man I get anxious because I'm afraid I'm attracted to him. Every time I see a woman I start to freak out if I'm not instantly aroused by her. This started to drive me insane, and it had an extremely negative effect on my health. My grades started to slip, I didn't enjoy anything I used to, and I even stopped eating. Every day has just been fighting a war in my head over whether I'm straight or bisexual. I've even tried "coming out" as bi to myself several times, but it never works because I don't feel bi or bi enough.

I don't think I'm attracted to men. I don't have romantic feelings towards them and I really don't want to do anything intimate with them. I'd one day like to have a girlfriend and possibly get married. But how could I be straight with the evidence against it I've written above? I thought that if I was bi and in denial that coming out would have made this stop but I've tried multiple times and it didn't help me.

I feel like I'm the rare case where if I'm afraid of being bi but I actually am. How cruel is that? I just wish I didn't have to worry about this anymore. I don't even get aroused by those gay fantasies/porn anymore but I'm convinced that it's just my brain trying to protect me from all this. I'm scared that I'm using HOCD as an excuse, despite having it confirmed by a psychologist. Can anybody give me some insight/opinions? I'm sorry for the long and messy post, I'm under a lot of stress right now.

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

hocdguy wrote:I'm scared that I'm using HOCD as an excuse, despite having it confirmed by a psychologist.

First off, I'd say trust the psychologist. If they say it's HOCD, especially in this day and age, I'd lean towards that being the case.

hocdguy wrote:I started finding myself having same-sex after reading something homoerotic. This had become a common occurrence for me over the past year, and it had even escalated into my porn use.

I've heard straight men can find themselves looking at that sort of porn. I don't know if it's the draw of the taboo, or what- but it's my understanding it happens.

hocdguy wrote:I don't think I'm attracted to men. I don't have romantic feelings towards them and I really don't want to do anything intimate with them.

If you're not physically or romantically attracted to men, then I have to agree with your psychologist that this is probably OCD. I'm Bi (and male) and have been since I was about 13 (or at least that's when it surfaced) and I have had a heck of a lot of desire for sex acts with the same sex. If fantasies etc, don't float your boat; then they don't. You might have gone through a bit of a questioning period in your teen years- which I think isn't uncommon- but if you've come out the other side not desiring the same sex, then you don't.

I don't know that your brain could 'protect' you, by turning innate desires off. I've been a lot of things over the years, including self-denial; disgust as you described; etc- but in all those things, the draw for same-sex thoughts was still there, and very strong. I personally remain unconvinced you're bisexual.

Hi, your post suggests that it's HOCD and not you being in denial. This is not meant for reassurance. Gay people can have Straight OCD. What you're doing to yourself is checking. Checking is a compulaion in order to know of how you're feeling. Also, porn does NOT determine sexuality. Some straight people can watch gay porn, and gay people can watch straight porn. It really doesn't mean that they're bisexual. Sex is sex and it can feel pleasing.

Thank you both for replying, this makes me feel a bit better. But the one thing I can't get over is the "crush" I've had on a friend of mine. After I said that thing years ago I had a ton of grief about if I liked him or not, and my brain was like "Well if you said that about him, you MUST like him then right?"

I started developing symptoms of a crush. I'd feel anxious and flustered when he was around, and I could've sworn I felt jealousy when he went to the prom with someone. But I don't actually wanna date the guy or do anything like that, so then why have I been feeling this all this time? Could I actually be bi or could it be a symptom of the OCD?

It's also worth noting that I developed unrelated OCD around that time, so I suppose it's possible I gained HOCD without even knowing it back then. I'm just terrified and I want to know what's going on. I don't want to have a crush on my friend, I just wanna be able to hang out with him without feeling anxious all the time.

Look, OCD is going to make you overthink everything.

Also I've heard that same-sex crushes as a teenager aren't uncommon; nor are they necessarily an indicator of someone's primary sexual orientation. For me, my own belief is that anything before 16 years old is definitely not to be taken seriously. Personally I don't think it's locked in until age 15. The research I've heard about, 15 was the youngest male test subjects. So you can't for certain say based on empirical evidence, that before that age you're going to for sure be this or that. and again... I've read that teenagers can be all over the place until they settle into their groove.