Please can someone explain what’s going on (HOCD NSFW)

I have literally scoured the internet for almost 2 hours looking for a reason why this is happening and I have not found one person going through what I’m going through. Literally not one. You see I’m going through a very specific type of HOCD but I feel like you guys should be able to give me at least some pointers on what the actual hell is going on with me

Here’s where the NSFW comes in so if it’s not your kind of thing I wouldn’t scroll further. So it was August in the summer, at night time I scrolled through Twitter on my NSFW account where I followed various artists on Twitter that drew erotic stuff, one artist I followed retweeted a video from a different artist and since I was curious about it I decided to watch it, I remember at the start of the video the woman had a bulge but I just thought she had a really big vagina but 20 seconds later she whips out a mandingo and this is where the $#%^ storm of a HOCD started, when that happened I was like “Yo *mod edit*?!?!” And went off the video but for some reason I had a groinal response to it and that freaked me out, I went back to the video and kept rewatching the scene of her whipping out her you know what and kept analysing it and my responses I thought to myself “No No NO!! I can’t be into penises, no way, why is this happening to me”, after a while of analysing the video stopped giving me groinal responses and I got to chill out a bit

But this was only the start, the video was still lingering in my head and I still had this doubt about if I was into male genitals or if it was just HOCD (I knew what HOCD was at the time because I had minor HOCD prior), I told myself “this is just a minor setback be good in a week”, but that never happened, instead I was still fixated on the video and went to check Google to and search “cartoon women with male genitals” just to see if I was really into it, the first time I felt nothing just a bit grossed out, I was relieved but the thought was still lingering, I checked again and the groinal responses came back with a vengeance which scared the $#%^ out of me and made my HOCD x10 worse.

Since then I’ve had this stuck on me, I went online to see what this was but I couldn’t find anyone in my situation, all the situations I saw were people who had been into this stuff for a while realising that they had a problem which wasn’t what I was going through, they already knew they could get off to it but I didn’t think and still don’t think I could, I just wanted to know if it was reall fetish or caused by HOCD but I literally couldn’t find any post that relates to me and I’m so confused on whether this is a “porn induced fetish” since I don’t watch much porn or if this is my OCD ######6 around with me. I literally have no urges to watch it either I only check to see if I’m attracted to it but I heard with fetishes people literally crave them which I don’t. I don’t know what’s going on man

That's a fairly common fetish, supposedly mostly amongst otherwise straight men. I hear it's because it satisfies both a taboo desire; coupled with the idea that people with penises, best know how to pleasure other penises. In other words, it's 'safe', it's not 'gay' because the person is in appearance, female.

You can't judge your sexual orientation by a response to shemale porn. Being bisexual, personally I can't at all understand how it's a straight male fetish genre, but it is. I've read that, and I have no reason to doubt it. To me... a penis is a penis, but what do I know? I can sort of understand how that makes the taboo more palatable, but since to me it's all good, I can't really understand it on an emotional level.

But the point is, it doesn't make you gay. The brain sees an exotic female with genitals that are normally 'off limits' to someone that's straight. She's not a man for all practical purposes, past the fact she has a Y chromosome.

Thanks for the reply Snaaga, I just wanted to clarify that I’m not into shemale stuff myself, I can’t get off to it it just fills me with anxiety, that’s why I think it’s just a HOCD, I can tell when I have a fetish but this doesn’t seem like one it just feels like another HOCD theme, reason being that I have no urge or desire for it, I only get groinal responses mixed with anxiety when I see them. I have no interest in penises at all

Just so you understand that any reaction to shemale porn is no indication of your sexuality, that's the point I was trying to make. But I can see OCD having a right good time, using that to scare you. And that's why you need to tell yourself that having a response to it, means nothing. This seriously is going to come down to you deciding you're straight, and sticking to your story, in the face of what your brain is screaming at you, in my opinion. I had to do that with my sexuality. I'm bisexual- genuinely. I like penises! But while I don't have HOCD, that doesn't mean OCD doesn't play with me and I would despair that I was gay- or believe that I was straight and making all this up. Until I went solely on my historical actions and thoughts, and realised I'm both the straightest gay I know, and simultaneously the gayest straight I know. Therefore, I'm Bi. I made that my story, and stuck to it. I don't mull it over nearly as much as I used to, as a result.

It's true that someone who really is a sexual orientation, can't necessarily change it. I'm convinced that for males, it can't be changed at all. No amount of 'want to', will ever make me straight. Or gay. But for us who have OCD, you have to dig deep and go with what feels RIGHT. Then you make that your narrative, and you stick with it. With OCD, we have to make up our mind where we are on something, and stick to it. Since OCD is the Doubting Disease. So, in a real sense, you have to 'decide' that you're straight, and hammer that into yourself. An ordinary person can't, nor needs to, do that. But when you have OCD, I'm convinced that a 'decision' (which is really an affirmation of what a person knows to be true based on their post-adolescent behaviour prior to their fears, and what 'feels right deep down'), and stick to that decision. I 'decided', that I was Bi. You have to 'decide', that you're straight. The very rare (but it does happen) gay person with straight- OCD has to 'decide', they're gay.

You have to outstubborn your OCD.