What it means to have OCD

Having OCD?

Often times I’ve wondered what it means to be OCD, or have OCD? When someone comes walking past frustrated and says “ Argh! I’m so OCD with that?” What do they really mean? Has it become a blasé way to just pass the time with a frustration? Or Speak out in a way that other people understand? And here perfectly lies the problem with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
The obsession over almost everything. You’ll find yourself in a loophole that never ends. Or at least feels like it never ends in someones mind who has OCD. One day in therapy I described it as being a passenger in a car that you can control the wheel. It’s an overwhelming since of disaster but you are compelled to completely give yourself to that moment. Sorry to be bleak, but it sucks…
When you are stuck in this moment of absolute reason without real reason. It feeds the anxiety but also feels like it expels the anxiety because of the need to stay away from anything that causes that feeling. Going to work, Visiting the store, Going outside. The mind will find an excuse to relax the feeling of anxiety. Why go to work? When I know I can just stay home and not feel this intense anxiety and OCD. Why go to the store when I can make sure I don’t touch the germs of other people? Why go outside, when I can just avoid all of it.
Although extremely unhealthy. The simple solution is worth every penny. Stay away from those feelings and anxieties. Stay away from the OCD. But the build will never stop. The moment is only so long. A month, 6 months, a year. Luckily years. But one day the driver will come to take over the wheel, and the anxiety and fear of OCD take over. You are pushed towards the passenger seat. And the ride continues towards destruction.
Writing this now feels like a forced operation as I should hide my mental health problems. Why would anyone feel for you if you don’t have a physical illness? Mental problems are for the weak, you need to hide weakness. Suck it up and move on. Why? Because now you have to weigh you options. Do I consider exposing myself and telling anyone about my disability? Of course not, but why not? Anxiety takes that story over and the process starts again.
OCD and anxiety almost seem to be tied together like any great combination(obviously not so great in this situation). Maybe this is too simple of an explanation. Peanut butter and Jelly don’t have consequences of jobless and failure. But they come one with the other. OCD sparks anxiety, and anxiety fuels OCD. It’s a combo that feeds itself to stay full always. At this point I wonder why I am writing any of this. A test for myself to be able to put it to help for someone else? Or a piece that can be put on paper to read as a self help.
Right now my heart has not stopped beating out my chest. The anxiety is fueled to full. And now it’s ready to press the gas and go full speed. But I am not, and I don’t want to be a passenger. I want to be back in the drivers seat. Laughing at my passenger who tries to control me. And drive away into the sunset not worried in the least.
Whats the point of this now? Self help? Self awareness? Tools to put on paper to read aloud? I honestly don’t know at this point. It’s a lost feeling that very few people can understand. I’m not sure who can understand. But people who have OCD. Which is a good feeling that you aren’t alone, but also a feeling of loneliness because you have to be alone to feel anything.
I don’t want to end this on a bleak description of this. Because OCD has been a positive thing in my life also. When I’ve turned it to a place that is good to obsess over. Tasks at work that are order based. Cater to a OCD persons understanding. Repetitive instructions, directions of order. These are all good things for OCD. Finding a way to use this disorder to benefit yourself is finding a way to keep the feelings at bay. But it will always be a passenger, and with even more understanding and help. I want that passenger to be in the backseat. And eventually dropped off at there own destination. One day… One day…